The Scream
B.A.Q.
It began as no more than a twinge of a feeling.
Not even noise,
Not even a thought.
His hands were unable to peel back my pages
Heavy and worn, I stood steadfast.
Nobody could tickle my spine
Into fits of submission.
Nobody.
Then, it began to grow.
Nestled close to a heart
Lain to waste away inside a young body
That remembered pain
And still wanted love.
The thoughts began to flow.
This tepid interest
Kept at a simmer.
Kept away from the weakened vessels.
Keep it at bay.
Keep it away.
Nobody dares
Dares to stay.
Slowly, conversation took hold.
I began to learn about him
The likes and dislikes of a stranger
Who admitted that commitment
Was no longer on the table.
Why did you do it, you fool?
Why pursue someone so unstable,
Unavailable,
Utterly disinterested at worst
And at best keeping things at arms length?
You fucking idiot.
You absolute fucking idiot.
He strings you like a bow
Playing your heartstrings on that violin body
Listening as you groan for his touch
Begging for him to rest that head
And punish you in the way you forgot
You deserve, you crave
You desire.
And there!
The Scream.
Finally, noiseless anguish finds a voice.
Snatching vocality out of thin air
You now have a hum.
It begins to haunt you.
You, this haunted house
That allows the ghosts of your tragic past to
Remain present inside
Drifting aimlessly,
Amassing another.
Become friends, the hum
Now dares to strike a louder vibrado
When he watches you with tender eyes
Understand they are not meant
For you alone.
Are you alone?
It begins to gnaw at your skull,
Teeth on bone
Bone protecting feeble brain
Brain smoking, on fire with dopamine
Oxytocin
Norepinephrine
Drugged, dear god, drugged and loving it
Hotboxing, delighted you allowed
That addiction to break through once more
It had missed being high
And The Scream, oh lord
She sighs with it
Every breath a whine
A subtle undertone that others don’t pick up
Quite yet
Yet,
It’s far too gone now.
I fall.
The heights are great, even for me.
The lithe cat, arching her back
Being stroked never felt
Quite so good.
She has missed it.
She purrs underneath his hands.
He knows it.
Places you onto thrusting hips
Feeling that deep sexuality
A desire that cannot be met
He speaks well and you
He knows you
Presses into you his commandments
You the pagan unable to come
To the same conclusions
He is everything, now.
He is the new world,
The one you looked for
And sailed to,
But you did not find India,
Columbus you fool
You found
America.
You idiot.
He cannot choose you.
Will be unable to choose you.
Will not want to…choose you.
Still, in the silent night.
You hold your pillow close
And The Scream chortles
Out as a sob
You hear it now, pet.
You can hear me.
When you talk
Great Expectations
Dash through the room
Naked and afraid,
You say your truth,
Holding out for a hero
Hence will not come forth.
Is holding out for another.
Maybe, multiple others.
Meaning, he is not coming for you
My darling Bonnie Tyler.
Or at least, he has to think on it.
As the fire eats you alive,
He will still be thinking about it.
When he’s high, and alone, and questioning his own motives for getting involved with you,
He will be discussing the familial ties
And you, doll
The Scream is all you have left
And you can’t use it quite yet.
Because the hope you have
That he will choose you,
That your own standards and moral fibre
Will lower to meet him
Instead of remaining tall and prouder than the space needle.
Pathetic.
You watch Fleabag.
You watch as love fails.
You watch her shake her head sadly, watch as you are glued to the pavement of disappointment
Watching her walk away,
Watch her choose to move on
Watch her lose the game
You can’t look away.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Your brain is in withdrawal.
It pounds against the hotbox of its own making,
Choking on the neurotransmitted fumes
Clawing at the windowless walls,
And you stand,
The tears the only fluid able to escape now.
You move to your room,
You sit on the bed facing the floor-length mirror, cross-legged
The eyes of the She-Wolf boring into your own
The dappled lights of the curtain hanging grimly
Pulsating with each heavy stranded beat of your own blood
You catch a glimpse of your own face
Distorted with pain
And you finally let me out.
I Scream.
It gurgles at first,
Sputtering into existence
Like the cap being chopped off of a fire hydrant
The force enormous,
The Scream
It comes out in bundles
Fabulous little presents of varying emotes
Questions,
Why the fuck did you trust yourself to make the right choice?
Why the fuck did you get close to someone who never wanted that?
Why the fuck did you care, why did you entertain him?
Why were you so easy to win, so easy to touch, to hold, to be open and to let the vulnerabilities shine through?
Why did you TRY?!
Why did he care.
Why did he become angry on your behalf,
Why did he support you,
Talk about the future as if it weren’t a
Question
As if he didn’t even have a choice
For another
Why did he talk to you so
Wipe away your tears
Call you strong
Hold you through the long, cold night
In January,
Seek you out,
Talk and laugh, hold you like a babe
And kiss you like a lover
Why did he woo you and grow soft around you
Why are you soft
Why are you warm
Why are you safe to me
Why do you make me feel seen
And wanted
And a fun person to be around why did you do it why did you pretend that I was YOURS I WAS YOURS I-
Why did he
Why
You know it has to end.
You tried something new,
But this noise,
It drowns you
Never lets you rest,
And your dreams grow the fruits of
A damnable future.
He has no idea.
He has no idea what I have done to you, darling.
He does not see how brightly you burn inside.
He only sees your lovely hips,
Your smooth, pale skin glistening under his hands
Those bleeding lips and come hither eyes that hide below your blonde fringe
The breasts that ache with longing,
And the heart they do miserably fail to protect
Down the length of your body that you made
Pressing gently against thighs that want to open
And receive
God, do you want it
You miss it.
He says depth, and knows nothing of how far down the darkness of the world goes
like you do.
You, darling,
Have sown the seeds of misfortune
Into your soul as is your birthright
The daughter,
She carries the weight of the world
And no one sees
She, the beautiful hope
Hope who has known only pain
Her lovely skin peeled back and
Car batteries strapped to vulnerable
Flesh, she is Prometheus
Strapped in place
Repenting for sins she did not commit
Screaming for anyone to hear
But they never do
Unable to escape those who
Take.
They see her with hungry eyes and
Take.
She gives all that she is, still they
Take.
She grows accustomed to the way they
Take.
She still gives, hoping they won’t
Take.
Frantically, she looks for someone who won’t
Take.
She has nothing left, yet
They
Take.
And what do they take from her,
When she has nothing left?
They take her life
And this, this is what she willingly gives.
I have resided in this body before.
I know these walls, these corridors,
The languishing carpentry
I have walked these hallowed halls
Morphing through years of a slow burn
Turmoil and destruction, reborn and birthed as a newfangled concept
The architecture supernatural, it keeps me in awe each time you let me in
You don’t let just anyone in
I am
So honored.
But I know you are coming down
Crashing down fast
Let it happen.
Let my final moments be brilliant
Be loud
Be catastrophic
I am always excited to see
What renovations you do whilst I’m away.
I wonder how long it will take this time
To let me
Back in.
Posted Nov 7, 2022, 12:13 AM UTC