Source
r/Divorce_Men•
limerickdeath

Time to end the endless drama?

So it’s happened again, something completely unrelated turning into life or death. Today? This kids woke up sick. Can she call off work? (She works in an office with lots of people able to pick up her slack, I own my own company and work one on one with clients and make 4x her salary).

“Your plans are always changing”

“You’re so annoying”

“It’s a little late for me to call out (literally every fuck in that place calls out once a week)”

She acting like it’s a massive inconvenience to do normal things, like keep your kids at home when they’re sick, and that we could have somehow planned for it.

It quickly devolved into her screaming that she can’t stand me, etc. Kids just watching from the table. Already inured to the drama. Sigh.

I mean wtf. How do you decide enough is enough. Every single day we do this, both terrified we’ll see the kids less.

I’m just sad, hurt, and confused. Don’t know where to turn. And don’t know if I need to make the first move in order to keep as much time with my kids as possible.

Posted Nov 16, 2022, 1:17 PM UTC

1930
AirSailer•

You know what you need to do, you're just terrified to do it for fear of what you will lose. We've all been there. But you'll also gain a number of things, such as self esteem, waking up to a house without her drama, etc. Over there years I've seen innumerable posts just like yours, asking where that line is... I've said it to others, because your here there's a good chance you've already crossed that line.

There's nothing you can do to change her behavior, she has to make the decision to change herself.... Do you truly see any path forward where she actually changes?

17
fishingforthought•

Not a healthy way to live.

10
NohoTwoPointOh•

More so, unhealthy for your kids. Their relationships as adults will be modeled after what they see now.

6
Party_Rebel•

This 100%. Lead by example! Show your kids that it’s okay to leave a toxic relationship. Create a happy, non-hostile home that is always available for them. Also consider that by staying in a bad marriage “for the kids” you are also leading by example. Do the right thing for the right reasons and you’ll get the right results. I think you already know this. It’s time to show them how much you love them.

3
SnooChipmunks8506•

Before you get Attorneys involved and paperwork drafted. Absolutely make time for couples therapy.

Go to her with a list of therapists and tell her that you all aren’t living a healthy life. The stress in the relationship is so bad that even the small things are emergencies. Ask her to go TOGETHER to therapy.

If she refuses to go, then go by yourself.

There is a lot of underlying issues that Redditors aren’t part of. Don’t jump to the nuclear option until it is the logical choice.

You make 4x the money, if you get a divorce you will lose AT LEAST 50% of your cash (before taxes), parts of your business, your home, time with your children, and a lot of other things.

Try to work things out before you start ripping apart your children’s lives.

10
IncreaseCommercial71•

Therapy did me a world of good. I invited the stbx to it bit she refused. I stayed another 2 years and things devolved even further. It was hard to file. She asked for a divorce and did nothing. So eventually came to the realization that my life was shit with her and I needed to save myself.

4
SnooChipmunks8506•

Absolutely correct. My Ex was the same way. She went once and told me to fuck off after that. She is the perpetual victim, that way she doesn't ever have to change her life... because it isn't her fault.

I improved my life by cutting her loose. It was the therapy that helped me see my toxic behavior and how to be a better man and father. I wish she had taken the therapy seriously so that my children wouldn't have a narcissistic bitch as a mother. I am also relieved to be away from her and her stupid manipulation and control.

Divorce was inevitable for me, but the therapy made it easier for me to focus on my children and support us.

6
dday_throwaway3•

> don’t know if I need to make the first move in order to keep as much time with my kids as possible.

Status quo is the greatest bias of the court.

8
her_dog_is_odd•

I used to think “happy wife, happy life” but through the divorce it has definitely become “happy parents, happy kids” (even if that means separation or divorce).

I was right there where you are. My ex was a SAHM but would get mad that I wouldn’t do things like take the kids to Dr appts. Like…I’m working to bring in the salary to let you stay at home, why would I then take a vacation day to do a mid-morning, regular check up appointment while you :::checks notes::: do nothing?

I recognize that parity and equity are important in a relationship but felt I never got an ounce of credit for working a full time job.

6
James1933-75•

Credit is never accounted for, only debits.

3
GrumblyData3684•

Louis CK talked about that on a radio show years ago when he was going through a divorce. Once you realize your not storing "equity" with anybody its over.

Partner A complains you "never" do something, Partner B makes an effort to do that thing. Partner B starts doing that thing 9 out of 10 times, however the one time they don't - its right back to "you NEVER do that thing" = No equity being stored.

Good analogy is that Its like you have a bank account you keep putting money in, but every time you go to withdraw the bank says there's nothing there, or in fact your overdrawn. "But I just made a deposit last week", " No you didn't - you never make deposits"

3
James1933-75•

Lol, the whole banking thing was real life for me.

1
GrumblyData3684•

Oh I had that too, except it was the Amex. Anytime I asked her to reign it in a bit, it was “fine, I just won’t spend anything”. No in between…I get exhausted just thinking about those conversations now

2
limerickdeathOP•

It’s like you live in my house 😆

1
Small_Quarter_3673•

Exhaust all options before you pull the plug. Seems like it would be expensive for you plus the kids you have quite a bit to think about before calling it quits. If you think it will be better off for everyone then do it

3
limerickdeathOP•

This is my every day, her getting peeved for some perceived slight, being pissy and walking around pointing out chores I haven’t done. She gets back from work, goes and smokes weed for an hour, chats with her friends, then comes up and naps on the couch for a minimum hour most days. She Harley even sees the boys and pretends she “does most of the work”. Fml, I feel ruined.

12
deadlycatch•

You are me, living my life. Getting peeved for perceived slight, being pissy and pointing out things you haven't done.

I think we were conditioned to be the traditional husbands, but we are not getting traditional wives... so we are confused and frustrated since we are holding up our end of the bargain and getting shit in return. Literally, we are paying in money from hard honest work, and in return we get shitted on... this is not sustainable.

I'm near my end also, just don't make any real money to figure a way out, I do not even see a glimmer of remorse or affection coming my way from her...

Yes, you are like a million other guys, I guess we just have to find our b*lls and get off this train wreck.

13
[deleted]•

Yep this right here. Also some women put on a show in the early years of a relationship and then completely 180 later on and decide to just be shitty wives. Because overall what does she have to lose especially if you make significantly more than her? If you divorce she knows she gets half of everything Plus Most likely spousal support. I’ve learned my lesson with one child. My wife was super great up until she got pregnant and then became a completely different person. Literally did not want to do shit to help around the house. Became lazy as fuck. I work more hours than her and earn 3x what she does yet I was supposed to do ALL of the house chores while she was pregnant? And then she would complain how her friends husbands did so much more for their wives and the one guy was literally unemployed lol.

I’m stopping at one child and getting a vasectomy. It’s WAY too risky for men to have children in todays society. We have zero protections. If I ever get divorced I’ve even thought about leaving the USA and going somewhere else where I can eventually get citizenship and just not pay my ex shit.

It’s sad that good women just don’t exist anymore. Marriage isn’t worth it. And sadly we all learned the hard way.

9
NohoTwoPointOh•

I shit the factory down also. Couldn’t be happier.

3
Small_Quarter_3673•

Yeah sounds like a very difficult situation

1
Significant_Idea_663•

You are living my life as well. Thanks for posting shit about ME. I’ve decided , after failed attempts on both sides at leaving to focus on career and gain traction, have the kids grow some more, scuttle away some money and let the chips fall where they may. I no longer engage but it is no long term solution I know.

1
potatotornado43•

Kids waking up sick does not constitute an emergency. If it happens during her parenting time, she is responsible for dealing with it.

This would be a really quick text exchange with my ex and I on Our Family Wizard.

The drama only goes on as long as you entertain it.

3
James1933-75•

They are still married.

2
DocHolliday80•

The story of my life, luckily I don’t have kids

3
IcyEntertainment8673•

You are both causing tons of stress on your kids. Is that the kind of marriage you want then to model after? Both of you are being incredibly selfish to know your marriage is failing and dragging the kids along.

I can’t even focus on the issue of the post because it blows my mind how insensitive you’re being to your kids eyes. Leave FOR the kids. They deserve to see two happy parents and not two miserable ones.

2
GrumblyData3684•

It's hard - but once they (spouse) enters martyr mode, its pretty difficult to swing back. I had similar issues, I worked a 6 figure job while she was a SAHM and worked part time.

She's a devoted employee and I commend her for that, but she could never understand that it made more financial sense for her to call out of work instead of me. She acted like her work schedule was carved in stone while mine was perpetually flexible, just the nature of my Office job vs her retail job.

All things being equal, I would not have had a problem with it. But financially things were not equal, we were paycheck to paycheck (medical and childcare expenses were a bear). She could not/would not understand that my opinions about her work schedule were financial and not personal.

Seperated for 3 years and still working out the divorce, it sucked and to some degree still sucks - but I am in a much better place and the yelling/fighting has finally stopped.

I see the kids less, but so does she - but they are the better for it and our time together is much more meaningful. Don't hold them hostage.

2
limerickdeathOP•

Thanks man, that’s really insightful and helpful. I worry about missing my kids, the stress it will cause, how my job will function (self employed chef with weird hours). Thank you for taking the time to write back.

1