Source
r/covidlonghaulers•
OverDistribution2

I think my suicide is the only way out

Vent/Rant

In April I got sick with Covid, ever since I've had nasal congestion that alternates nostrils. Only recently I was noticing days where things were "ok". The congestion was lesser and on occasion I'd wake up with both nostrils open.

This morning I woke up to find that one nostril was clogged. It has a dull ache and feels like the airway is closed off, not just the nostril.

I tried to be a better person and it I feel like its all my fault. I can't do this anymore. I can't fucking do it anymore. Before I got covid, in April all my trauma and pain was beginning to heal and I was getting better. I'm too sick and tired of this shit.

I'm going to wake up tomorrow and the next day and so on and its going to be stuck like this for good.

I should have killed myself months ago. I should have done it in March. Things would've been better that way. I want peace and thats the only way. Its the only way to end all this.

Posted Dec 2, 2022, 2:40 AM UTC

732
Haiwizlabz•

You’re suicidal over nasal congestion? Friend….do not make a permanent choice off temporary things, especially if you haven’t exhausted all resources to try and fix what’s going on.

16
lurkinglen•

It almost seems like a troll post

1
OverDistribution2OP•

Bare with me through this.

I've been dealing with PTSD due to early childhood trauma, abuse, neglect and bullying, undiagnosed depression, psychotic episodes with very little help from mental health and in combination with my Autism, I get extremely stressed, manic and terrified when these things happen.

In August last year I was in a college course I was forced to be in that I didn't enjoy because the "ifeskills" course looks down on Autistic people. Having already built up loads of stress, in December I discovered a dark mark on my toenail. I thought it was a melanoma. I was up every night vomiting due to the stress. I tried to contemplate the "eventuality" of my death. Even when 3 different nurses confirmed that it was probably a hematoma I was still unsure. It faded, but in February, because of the stress I developed acid reflux and was scared of cancer yet again. On top of that my pet lizard died.

When that was fading and 8 months worth of gaining a healthy BMI because I'm underweight, as well as simple memories like visiting Edinburgh for my birthday with my best friend, meeting a street performer I remembered from childhood, I was getting better psychologically.

So in April I get Covid. The smell and taste loss made me distraught. So much that despite being 22, my dad had to lie beside me because I was so scared. The nasal congestion was worrying me too. My smell and taste (mostly) came back because I smell trained every day. Then came the erectile dysfunction. Then after that came the depersonalisation, diminishing my imagination. My imagination has been my biggest comfort since I was small. Its everything to me. And now its barely there and that is the most horrible thing I've ever felt.

You know the phrase "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." It only does if you have the time to process it. I've experienced a large amount of stress and trauma, from one to the other with no chance of rest in-between.

Each time I get knocked down it gets harder and harder to get back up.

I'm not a troll mate. I'm just a deeply damaged person who's had enough with the suffering. My head is falling apart and I'm lost. It looks like a "troll" post because I'm not myself anymore. And you know what? I have every fucking right to be stressed and distraught.

Deciding that I'm insincere about a problem I know I'm suffering from is the same mindset as the doctors who don't believe in post viral disease. It hurts more when its coming from people in a community that talk all about being gaslighted and feeling isolated.

Text on screen is different. You can't see the fear, anxiety and hopelessness there. If you could see what I'm like in real life, dealing with all of this, it would be a very different story.

4
lurkinglen•

Now you're providing a lot of other reasons and circumstances that describe what you're going through, none of it was mentioned in your opening post.

I also didn't yet conclude that it was a troll post, I only mentioned it could be one, to that's why I said "almost seems".

I now see you're not trolling.

7
OverDistribution2OP•

Yeah, I get it, No worries. I'm an alright guy really, when everything is normal. Hopefully I can get there again.

2
morgichuspearsPost-vaccine•

Ugh this. I want my mind back. I was finally mending my life and now this.

1
6dunkelheit9•

Please for the love of God see a psychiatrist. Covid DEPLETES serotonin. Amitriptyline saved my life

12
Substantial-Law-4461•

Hey I definitely understand how you feel. I’ve got horrible fucked up anxiety, insomnia, all these other shitty issues but mentally I’m struggling. It seems like the only way out not to suffer. I love life my family… but it’s hard. But people are getting better all the time. You could get your sinus or airways cleaned or widened if needed. I worked out suicide is actually very hard and most fail and end up worse off and I don’t want that for myself or anyone else. We don’t deserve to suffer more. I know it’s hard but really I think your nose will recover x

6
OverDistribution2OP•

Too scared of surgery. empty nose syndrome (surgical complication) is a risk that I'm not willing to take. Air hunger is a symptom which I already seem tone suffering from when my nose is open.

So I really don't know what to do. I was scared I was developing atrophic rhinitis due to the dry crusts. NHS says that dry crusts are normal for non allergic rhinitis though. I wanted to get a septoplasty on its own but I feel like its too late for me now.

2
Substantial-Law-4461•

Talk to the dr about it. I get dry crust. I think it can be normal to get some extra. My nose has been pretty blocked even before covid. Now it does feel worse trying to breath through it deep breathing. My mouth is always dry when I wake up.

1
Expeditouspeace007•

please don’t

5
ConradHoffman•

Sometimes I feel the same way but you shouldn’t do it. One day you might wake up and feel okay again. Hold on a little longer. We’re all fighting with you my friend.

3
lurkinglen•

Not to sound like an ass, but are you aware there is such a thing as the nasal cycle?

From Wikipedia: "The nasal cycle is the unconscious[1][2] alternating partial congestion and decongestion of the nasal cavities in humans and other animals. This results in greater airflow through one nostril with periodic alternation between the nostrils. It is a physiological congestion of the nasal conchae, also called the nasal turbinates (curled bony projections within the nasal cavities), due to selective activation of one half of the autonomic nervous system by the hypothalamus. It should not be confused with pathological nasal congestion."

Even if you do suffer from pathological nasal congestion, nasal congestion should not make you suicidal even when it's long term,, I suggest you seek out professional help.

3
OverDistribution2OP•

I'm aware. The nasal cycle goes unnoticed when you aren't sick. Its why pathological congestion is noticeable. Most likely I've been suffering from non allergic rhinitis.

I also seem to be suffering from some kind of air hunger. I can't feel the sensation of air. You know (when my nose isn't blocked) that you're breathing, but your brain doesn't. So when you sleep, you aren't rested because you're brain thinks you're suffocating.

I'm not living like that.

1
lurkinglen•

I'm sorry I can't say anything about that because I cannot relate to your symptoms because mine are more in the dysautonomy and ME/CFS spectrum. Did you already go through the whole medical testing circus?

2
miadiamondofficial•

Have you done steams, followed by netipot, gargled with salt water? Please don't lose hope

2
ChuckIt22345•

Hey there, I’m sorry that you are feeling so low but that is not the answer. Your physical and psychological symptoms can improve. Definitely reach out for mental health support if you can. Also, there’s new research being done every day. We don’t know what’s around the corner that could help us all…

Have you tried various H1 and H2 antihistamines and things like quercetin? Or a low histamine diet with a DAO supplement to help you process histamine out of your body? Histamine is a neurotransmitter so if it’s out of whack it could contribute to how you’re feeling. My anxiety is always sky high when my histamine levels are up.

Hang in there. We’re all with you.

2
navelyorange•

Please don't give up my heart, stomach, allergies, head and more are all out of whack badly I know it's hard I know it's downright scary but you should not give up trust me on the trauma part I know all too well something evil wants me gone but I'm here and I'm still fighting and I'm not gonna back down and neither should you this experience and the people's lack of care especially from others around me and the doctors have been absolutely life altering but we shouldn't give up no matter how hard it may seem keep fighting you're a solider you've got this.

2
sunspirit20222•

Don’t give up we’re here for u

2
Bulky-Aerie8592•

Please don't do such a brutal thing, I'm back to normal after 1.5-1.6 months... Please your life is precious to many especially God.

2
Desperate-Judgment-22 yr+•

I saw an ENT surgeon for around a year for all the sinus issues. It got better.

If I feel an infection coming on and can't get an appointment soon, I rinse with a saline solution containing 1% betadine twice a day for a few weeks. It can be pretty unpleasant, but it's better than death!

2
OverDistribution2OP•

Too scared of surgery. empty nose syndrome is a risk. One of the symptoms is air hunger which is something I seem to be suffering from when my nose is open.

1
Desperate-Judgment-22 yr+•

I guess I am glad I hadn't Googled that prior to surgery. If I had, I would have definitely suspected this. My breathing didn't improve much until months after the surgery. I think full recovery post-op takes 90 days minimum.

The doctor warned me about the risks, most of which involved the sphenoid sinusotomy as this area is close to the brain stem and hypothalamus. I wasn't even anxious the day of the surgery. If I had died on the table under anesthesia, that would have been an added bonus -- a painless medically assisted suicide. I knew I would never get that lucky.

Suicidal thoughts are by nature irrational, but that's how I rationalized it.

2
OverDistribution2OP•

What surgery did you get?

1
Desperate-Judgment-22 yr+•

Endoscopy of left maxillary, sphenoid sinusotomy and septoplasty. I don't think he removed any tissue like turbinates because there was nothing to send to pathology. I had requested that as I was curious whether it was bacterial, fungal or viral.

2
Tenounces•

Don’t let Covid steal your peace. A part of it all is that it causes anxiety. I feel it too, and it’s not easy to deal with. Stay strong. I was just reading that the stuffed up in one nostril, the side you’re lying in, and then the other one if you change sides, is a sign of disautonomia. I’m sure a lot of us have this, you also. Brought on by Covid, it causes anxiety and insomnia as well as a whole host of other symptoms. So many posts about healing and coming out the other side. Think how happy you’ll be when you get through this.

2
OverDistribution2OP•

Yeah, I'm also dealing with shortness of breath/air hunger too when the nostrils are open.

1
bblf22•

Praying. 🙏🥺

1
Playful_Tomorrow4156•

I'm thinking the same about suicide but I still wait for treatment because I think there is a chance my state might be reversible. Did you try nasal corticoïde for your nose ? Helped me.

1
fighterpilottim•

I don’t know what’s going on with you, but one of the causes of severe psychiatric problems post-covid can be neuroinflammation - and it’s treatable. For some well-recognized syndromes regarding this, you can look into PANS and PANDAS (but these are pediatric - although the same phenomenon can apply to adults). It’s entirely possible that you’re in a cycle of severe neuroinflammation, and that some treatment could help reduce the debilitating cycling and worry that you’re experiencing. Here’s just one article about it, in case you want to look further. https://www.clinicalpainadvisor.com/conference-highlights/painweek-2017/neuroinflammation-treating-the-underlying-cause-of-chronic-severe-pain/. You can also search “neuroinflammation” on the sub.

1
Confident_Pain_5332•

I can tell you, that I have been suffering for 28 months, and I know for a fact COVID causes the depression, 4 days ago I started LDN and I feel it helping me a bit, especially my mood and depression.

1
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
allknewthings•

Better

Better

Better

https://www.reddit.com/r/LongCovid/comments/w82z5n/sos\_marooned\_rescue\_help/

0