Metal Mind
Blood to oil, Nerves to wire, Take my soul.
Flesh to steel, Heart to engine, Give me intent.
Eyes to glas, Breath to fire, Make me new.
Posted Dec 31, 2022, 11:07 AM UTC
56
Feels like you want to transform yourself into some kind of machine. Pretty cool and complete. Maybe you want to turn into a machine because you don't like the fragile nature of humans. Maybe because you've been hurt. Good job, keep writing.
2
Your analogies that compare human organs to parts of a machine are displayed and executed wonderfully in this poem. The poem is almost scary and chilling to read, and you've accomplished this in a short 3 lines. Awesome work. I'd love to hear what you have to say about your own poem, see how you view it and what emotions or feelings you were trying to create.
2
Hello, firstly I want to thank everyone for their replies and opinions since it was my first poem.
Thank you
My vision when creating this poem was about someone who in search of a "will to live" here described as "a purpose" is ready to change his own biology since in my opinion, the world we live in offers too much and too little at the same time. Additionally he is in search of a better self, a stronger self that nothing can break hence "flesh to steel".
I was looking to create a feeling of dread and fear in you (the readers) and maybe even a little empathy to the character in the poem.
1
It really does sound like a chant you would hear some paganist cult in dystopian future would recite.[Mad Max]
I admire your restraint how it's not overdone and finished in three 3s .. subtle messagings
2
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
I think this would be fantastic growled over a breakdown on some real sludgy metal track about being made into a deceptocon against your will.