Beginning or End

Workshop

Got too heavy

by his oneself

Got too heavy

that stopped making sense

Got too heavy

a sound can't escape

Got too heavy

consume in himself

Got too heavy

goes without a bang

  

Gazing on life communicating life

reflection of fusion

growth of enjoyer

shine of jovial

flow of life

entity to entity

  

Wandering with the hunger of a wolf

in a void or in a crowd

Steady around lightings

Lighting won't run when come round

Taking it all down to the core

From where it all began

i wrote reading about blackhole

Links

  1. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/zxygn0/silent_hill_haiku_2/j23nq0i?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

  2. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/zxo5xu/little_god/j23kw3o?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Posted Dec 31, 2022, 12:54 PM UTC

79
Trazaren•

Pretty complex poem. I honestly didn't like the first half. Maybe it sounded too objective and too "scientific". Personally I prefer using scientific terms to describe something non scientific. You seem to have done the opposite, but that's a personal preference. I think It's well made, especially the part where you compare it to a wolf, kind of a personification I think. That's a beautiful way of seeing black holes. It also feels like it has a circular structure because the last verse is connected to the title. Good job! keep writing.

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_lisztomania_OP•

thank you so much for make this comment and you liked something about this, i was pouring out free hand while i read about blackhole. this is first one i have written and got interested in poetry read and wrote few more

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This was an interesting read. However, I have one major criticism: it feels like you took three different poems and tried to make them into one poem. Each stanza feels like it could have easily come from a separate poem or have been the basis of a poem on its own. The result is that it leads to a somewhat disjointed experience; if not in theme, then certainly in style.

2
_lisztomania_OP•

thanks for commenting, i wrote it having no knowledge about writing and poetry, as a free hand does it still feel disjoint

1

I like the idea of this poem. I think you should definitely repeat the “got too heavy” line at the end to put it all together

2
_lisztomania_OP•

getting heavy here it started taking birth, i think you didn't felt it end or it stayed i didn't wanted it to end but something missing i think few more thoughts in between

1
RenReinhart•

Interesting stuff, I read in other comments you went in not knowing a lot about poetry/writing and I think you did a decent job
I think the repetition of "got too heavy" is interesting, I think you should've tried to carry that through the rest of the poem (with different lines of course)
I hope you keep writing, I look forward to your further efforts

2
_lisztomania_OP•

thanks really appreciate your words and advice

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