AwkwardSandwich444

im 17f prepping for 12th board exams and ca foundation (may 26 attempt). exams are around the corner now and i feel like ive done absolutely nothing. i haven't prepared enough. im not studying enough, as much as my peers are. i cant get myself to study, i js feel so burnt out. i feel helpless. nothing's going okay in my life. the relationship w my friends is lowkey deteriorating, im not close to my family either, at least not close enough to talk about my problems like this. i want to cry everything out. my chest hurts it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest and i cant even cry it out. i js cant get myself to cry. cant get myself to talk it out to sm1, to my friends. they don't rea

it was saree day in my college today, so obviously me and my friends had dressed up well. after clg ended we went to some shant si jagah with only a few people there which seemed to have good background and lighting, so we decided to click photos there. soon, we noticed a guy a little far away behind some car, taking off his pants. i was disgusted, but i thought that i should just ignore him. i informed my friends about it and we walked even more far from him. after a little while a friend of mine suggested that we leave the place as the guy was jerking off. i was so shocked and disgusted. we weren't the only group of girls there, and he was doing such things behind a car, that too in public

i'll get straight to the point. i want to manifest the most ideal partner for myself, someone who is good for me. having wandering eyes, using social media (that too, for lusting over others), watching 🌽, all these things are a dealbreaker for me.
i've been told that i can't find a guy like this, but i always remember this one phrase that "universe is not on a budget". i've tried manifesting using different methods since almost two years now, but yeah i've kinda failed.
how can i manifest my dream partner who is exactly my type? and any recommendations of subliminals?

i've been single for a long while now, tried talking to a few guys. they've generally been nice to talk to, good humour, occasional vibe matches and stuff. one thing that gives me a huge ick is that they like and interact with thirst traps or just general posts of other female influencers who don't even know them. having a celebrity crush is pretty common but if he has sydney sweeney or some celebrity like that whose whole career is based off male gaze, it's an immediate ick for me. it's like, if i'm not doing these things, its rightful of me to expect these traits in my partner as well. one guy i was talking to even called another girl "smash" in front of me. i was like dude? what is crazy

so i've talked to a couple of guys before. they'd mostly be nice only, like acche to talk to and good humour vagare vagare. one thing that gives me the ick IMMEDIATELY is that they interact with other female influencers' posts. like kya jarurat hai? its fucking weird to me, honestly. he would have a celebrity crush and stuff. like haa okay celebrity crush is common but it still sometimes gives me ick (depending upon who that celebrity is. HUGE ICK IF IT IS SYDNEY SWEENEY). and one guy i was talking to even called another girl "smash" in front of me. i was like dude? what is crazy that he wanted to be set up with me.
in my opinion, agar mai ye sab nahi karti toh its rightful of me to expect

https://preview.redd.it/fbpyucu5r20g1.png?width=808&format=png&auto=webp&s=4e0d4a63fef563ea05a530ebfb106bda32be0432

i hate how using LGBTQ+ terms have become a way of insulting. i've often come across people casually saying "bro gay hai kya?" "i look gay😭" in a bad manner. like? even terms like "trans" are said with intentions of hurting people. this is so immature.

i [17F] had my first IRL girlfriend in 9th standard when me and her were 14F. i didn't tell much friends about it, but she accidentally said it in front of a girl who used to gossip a lot, and unfortunately everyone after that found out about it.

as bad as it sounds, we used to try to secretly makeout at school 😭 and once someone walked in on us. we stopped after that. and yeah soon, due to reasons, we broke up. i moved schools in 11th, so did she i think. but people still know about it, and i end up overthinking sometimes, that people still perceive me that way.

(by "that way" i dont mean, being perceived as queer, cuz i am queer, and i admit to it. but my past actions just seem very im