DefiantMaize8776

up until high school i had no doubt whatsoever upon being a guy, like every once in a while i’d fantasize about being a girl but at the time i didn’t know trans was a thing and so had no reason to think of it as nothing more than mere fantasy

i hated that my voice sounded like a 6 year old all the way to 12 or 13, in freshman year i wanted to join weights class to get strong and masculine, i considered the average guy to be 6’0” and 150lbs and dreaded not being 6’0” when i grew up because then i’d be short (below average) i of course know now that 5’9” is average height not 6’0”

so other than the occasional fantasizing there were no signs of me being trans and plenty of evidence to the co

so imagine for example someone who when insulted punches the other person in the face on pure impulse and that reaction turns out to be due to a deep rooted insecurity regarding their self worth where they feel they must be competent, successful, beautiful, etc in order to be worthy of love

and when i say deep i mean DEEEEP

a lot of people may think that is enneagram motivation, but it isn’t because enneagram type can’t change and what i described not only can it be changed, but you can change it so much as to do a COMPLETE 180

enneagram type is not your conscious behaviors and thoughts, or your automatic reactions, or even your DEEEEEEP rooted unconscious motivations behind those action

people keep saying “accept who you are, stop trying to change” but i wanna date a chaotic person with an alt aesthetic, why would they date a reserved, shy, conflict avoidant person like me?

if i am not in a relationship i have no worth, i never had these thoughts until high school but since high school it seems my CORE personality is rooted in being desirable, but i guess maybe even before high school i wanted it just before then it was purely platonic but now platonic isn’t enough anymore

i just wanna be loved, if i have to be an elitist snob, or to be a rock star, or just to help those in need in order for people to want to date me, have sex with me, then i will do that

i will become w

what even is an ego fixation, what are defense mechanisms, why might someone who gives no fuck about their image at age 10 be so overly concerned with it at age 20 that it is their core primary fixation in life

what is enneagram, and what isn’t enneagram?

if i type as a 4 then many of the traits that make me, me can be explained by me being a 4, i’d be just like all the other 4s, lacking uniqueness

but if i identify as some other type then when people insist i’m not that type i can be like “I’m just not like all the other 2s or 3s or 6s or 7s or 9s or whatever i am typing as”

is that a 4 thing to do

I’m going to describe how i internally feel vs how i externally act

i have a need for INTENSITY, variety, depth, i want to have intense experiences, emotions, to go on adventures with friends, i fucking HATE to be limited, for example if want to create an anime i must do everything myself because if i hire other people there runs the risk of my vision not being executed exactly the way i want it to be, it is no longer purely an expression of myself, and they may be unwilling to help me make it thus limiting me

i want to experience as much as possible in life

when I’m in pain i often dwell in it, and feel the need for others to know of it, and if i feel hurt by someone i can become fixate

i believe 180 changes in personality are possible. I am a 9, withdrawn, give up easily, routine, dissociating, etc, all the typical 9 stuff

i want to become someone who is INTENSE, confident, outgoing, assertive, escalates in the face of confrontation, doesn’t shy away from and even seeks out conflict, chaotic, a ball of energy, overwhelming, unstoppable, a force of nature driven by a pure lust for life and INTENSITY, doesn’t care if others are uncomfortable by my intensity, if i am called a bad person I’ll take pride in it “fuck yeah i’m bad” someone that when faced with a challenge perseveres, someone that if faced with prime mike tyson in the ring would be confident i’d win, not because

i have INTENSE conviction of who i am deep down inside but the reality of what i am like does not match myself image of myself, in fact it’s the near total opposite, there are some similarities bur like of 5% similarities like 95% is different

i believe it’s possible for a shy, conflict avoidant person to become ultra confident, assertive, confrontational, etc and to become so good at it it’s no longer something they have to think about, it’s automatic

but say that person originally was an R, would they now be an S type or would they still be an R type

say they were an A type before are they an E type now or still an A type

basically if i as an RLUAN become highly social, egocentric,