Devilsteeth

Maybe it's not a flashback when I can't get it out if my head and out of my every thought. Whatever it is, I can't count colors or read numbers outloud all day (aka some grounding skills). I need better coping skills. I don't want to bother my therapist by asking for help yet again. What coping skills help you? It's becoming hard to not fall back on self injury (shit coping) when nothing else works.

"Just because the cops won't do anything doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"Rape is assault and it doesn't stop existing once you're dating someone."

"Well dont forget that it's not your fault, it's his."

A friend recently allowed me to talk about my rape and rape in general and I was floored with his responses. I've had so much shit said to me that hurt me deeply and many of his words made me cry because I finally wasn't being blamed by a friend.

I feel like no one understands. I'm finding it harder to talk about it. I'm hating talking about it. I hate finishing therapy and left alone with my thoughts, feeling horrible every time. I want to go back to the safety of anorexia. I was good at it and it worked. I can't cope with this rape. I'm depressed and I don't have time to be depressed. I have to work and be normal.

I strung him along for a minute to make him think that I was going to be nice then told him off for raping me. And it felt fucking good. Since the police won't do jack shit, I wanted to tell him what a POS he is. I couldn't have done this earlier on on my healing, but it feels good to do so now. I only wish I could warn others. F him. F what he did to me.

I don't really know what to do with my new found anger. But I'm finally mad.