SorrowTAW

Saturday I had to lie to a group of people I know.
They were complimenting me and assumed they knew the topic, and I had to let them believe it.

This is the fourth year of having a poem published in an annual book.
The last two years were poems meant more to me.
Last year it was a love poem. This year was about nature, but mentioned a person who was missing from the moment.

Both times I have had to lie.

Last year, while doing my public recitation, I said I didn’t remember the exact thing that inspired the words.
That was not even remotely true.
I could have said then, and can still today, express the exact moment in time that inspired the words. I can see it in my mind’s eye eve

Go ahead and ask.
Please, I really want to tell you!

Men always try that same tired line on you, and you don’t buy it. They never can explain why they say it.
You’re right to doubt. Most men are feeding lines.
But I’m not.

When I tell you that you are special.
When I say that I am bound to you.
When I capitalize certain words when they are about you, it’s because I mean them entirely.

I have spent five years writing poetry about you. You’re the whole reason that I started again. I could assemble a book out of all of the ways I have described you as special. One day I hope to do just that.
Do you really think that I can’t express it when I have uncounted words all about you?

T

No, I am not blind.
I did not take the time to reply because I didn’t see, but because I had to puzzle through how to do so properly.
I saw every single implication. Each. And. Every. One. I chose to walk right past them with my eyes open.

Long long ago I wrote about how I would accept any place, any role, any use for the sake of you. I meant it. I made promises because I meant it.
I still mean it today. Even after today.

I never expected it to be THIS.
But I described throwing myself into fire for you. Hyperbole, sure. But I meant I would endure pain and embarrassment for it. I would take the lowest place that would permit me to be present. I would take the nosebleed seats at the

I’ve known it.
I’ve known the truth about myself for years.
I have lived in this hideous skin and borne this ridiculous frame for decades.
I have watched the results of all I have done play out to their end.
It’s all the same thing. The ending point is identical.

You were different.
The only one who wanted to see me.
The only one who wanted to know me.
The only one who didn’t turn away from the parts of me I hate.
The only one that my efforts seemed to make a difference for.

But, despite all of the shifts in direction and bumps in the road, I see the ending now.
The same as every other one.

No. Nope. Not going to blame you. How could I blame you?

I am just not worth it.

Why would I pick a term that is generally used to refer to guns? Because of the impact of it all.

Let me tell you about today.

Another meeting. Another stranger to talk to and relationship to build. Another fake it until you make it, which means I will be faking it to the last day of my life. That’s not new, I fake it with everyone but you.

I got there early and glanced at my phone. There was a notification. New follower. The profile had your name in it.
The mere mention of your name always stops me cold. How many times have I written about the power in your name? More than I can say.
I had to stop in the middle of the walkway to unlock my phone and see if it was you. My hear pounded

Over eight billion people in the world.
Scattered within those myriad masses are a few special people. They possess intelligence, charisma, skill, creativity, passion, influence, drive, or beauty in a way that is beyond others. They stand out because they are not average.
You possess all of those together. Now I’m sure you would wave your hand and deny that, but I would be ready to recount your life story and show you where all of them appear. Your skill and drive are so high that you probably only see your deficiencies (and they only are deficient because they don’t match your lofty goals). You are very special.
There’s not a single person that I have met, no matter their position in

Walk into a store to buy something I need and a song from the playlist she made me is blaring.

Another morning,
Another coffee shop,
Another meeting,
None of the faces I see are yours.
Why can’t it ever be yours?
Bon Iver plays as I walk in.
It feels like a knife
Grating against my ribs.
If the fatigue was any stronger,
Or maybe just a hair weaker,
I would be crying.
I get a cup of that drink
Which you suggested years ago,
And add a shot of the flavor
That always makes me think of you.
For just a moment, I tell myself
That it’s like you’re with me.
There are traces of you everywhere,
Just not the way I wish.
I catch my reflection
In the wall-sized mirror next to me.
I hate the face and man I see
And wonderful for the millionth time
If you

Another morning,
Another coffee shop,
Another meeting,
None of the faces I see are yours.
Why can’t it ever be yours?
Bon Iver plays as I walk in.
It feels like a knife
Grating against my ribs.
If the fatigue was any stronger,
Or maybe just a hair weaker,
I would be crying.
I get a cup of that drink
Which you suggested years ago,
And add a shot of the flavor
That always makes me think of you.
For just a moment, I tell myself
That it’s like you’re with me.
There are traces of you everywhere,
Just not the way I wish.
I catch my reflection
In the wall-sized mirror next to me.
I hate the face and man I see
And wonderful for the millionth time
If you

The sentence seems to have been already passed, though I have not been told about the conviction. Fait accompli. It’s done. That’s life. Confined to the Chateau D’if for what may be permanent residency.

Of course I want to know why I am condemned. I did all with good intentions and only spoke the truth. I struggled with every fiber of my pathetic being to keep my oaths, and the ones that mean the most are intact. Not a word of discouragement or disdain. I still will not do it.

Yet, I will not contest the sentence. All I want to say and the tears that fall will be held inside. The act of even asking is unworthy. I may be a wretch, but I accept your justice.

So, instead hear my confession.

A fragment of a life,

Such a short period of time,

Barely registering in my span of days,

Yet full of brilliant hope

And plunging to the abyss.

Have I ever been this high?

Could I fall lower?

They have been eventful,

Though not for me

Or in the way I would wish.

Instead I find myself powerless

In the grip of such gravity

That I cannot resist.

All else around me fades

Into empty shades of gray.

That same color has multiplied

On my head in this time.

I have felt each hour pass

And they etch my face.

Behind it all looms one figure,

That striking form which

Leaves me breathless

In both joy and grief

And unending admiration.

The hand that lifted me up,

And then silently l

A fragment of a life,

Such a short period of time,

Barely registering in my span of days,

Yet full of brilliant hope

And plunging to the abyss.

Have I ever been this high?

Could I fall lower?

They have been eventful,

Though not for me

Or in the way I would wish.

Instead I find myself powerless

In the grip of such gravity

That I cannot resist.

All else around me fades

Into empty shades of gray.

That same color has multiplied

On my head in this time.

I have felt each hour pass

And they etch my face.

Behind it all looms one figure,

That striking form which

Leaves me breathless

In both joy and grief

And unending admiration.

The hand that lifted me up,

And then silently l

Isn’t it strange how you and I have become intertwined? On one level, I don’t think either of us would have chosen this. However, if it was something we could do productively I would be open to it. Somehow, I don’t think you would.

Let me be frank with you. I know how intelligent you are. You are better than me in every single way and your mind is not behind in any of that. I have tremendous respect for what you can do and what you have done if the option were available, I would be your friend.

That’s one of the reasons why I have not mentioned this to her. It would make her uneasy and probably wouldn’t reflect the best on you. I don’t want to diminish you in either her sight or your own.

I can try with all that is in me.

I can reshape myself.

New clothes to fit your style,

Fitter body to look less like myself,

Speak the things you like

And do the things you enjoy.

I can provide all the benefits

And minimize all the stupid things

About me that get in the way.

It’s not just that I can,

But I have and done all of that.

Yet it changes nothing at all.

You see none of it,

Or you think it is just your due.

I finally conform to the minimum

And am not a total disappointment.

I remain merely a tool,

Just not a defective one.

I may be allowed a little smile

And humored with a peck or two,

Before my next set of chores

But beyond that is ridiculous.

Nothing more tha

I can try with all that is in me.

I can reshape myself.

New clothes to fit your style,

Fitter body to look less like myself,

Speak the things you like

And do the things you enjoy.

I can provide all the benefits

And minimize all the stupid things

About me that get in the way.

It’s not just that I can,

But I have and done all of that.

Yet it changes nothing at all.

You see none of it,

Or you think it is just your due.

I finally conform to the minimum

And am not a total disappointment.

I remain merely a tool,

Just not a defective one.

I may be allowed a little smile

And humored with a peck or two,

Before my next set of chores

But beyond that is ridiculous.

Nothing more tha