drknowdr

(This will be long, sorry. Please don’t read if you’re psyching yourself up for recovery. I don’t want my crappy thoughts deterring anyone). It’s been a weird time with the ED and a lot to sit alone with. I had a night in January where I woke up, collapsed in my kitchen and couldn’t get up. At all. I have bad anemia and probably low blood pressure that night. Although I was worried I’d eaten too much and had some re-feed reaction. Sufficient to say many things crossed my mind that night and the days after. The reality: I’m not ready to recover and equally not wanting my last image to be staring at the crumbs under the fridge while I whither on the kitchen floor (poetic as that may b

Let’s say you’re in the pit of depression or crippling anxiety. The eating disorder feels like a claustrophobic prison where even if you wanted to break out of, you are in no mental shape to cope with the physical changes…

Basically, when life is at a bleak state how do you honestly cope? Do you nurture yourself ? Lean into the ED more? Isolate in your bathrobe? What gets you through?

In the dream I was attempting to slow down to park behind a car but I continued to slid into a snow pile. This quickly consumed my car and I was trapped, unable to break any windows. I knew I was dying alone and would suffocate-and then I woke up.

I thought I could ease up restricting in the name of “health” but it’s brought nothing but a darkness to my mood. I’m back to purging daily and it’s so automatic I only realize it when I look at my daily logs. I hate it here. I could almost deal with a little gain if it didn’t affect my wellbeing so much.

….but dreading tomorrow’s backlash.

I ate a healthy breakfast before 9am. I replaced coffee with water (all day). I took my iron even though I hate the constipation. I ate a bit of real meat at dinner. And I didn’t purge (despite thinking about it).

It sounds so simple and basic but it’s been tough to endure. There’s guilt and fear of the changes I’ll surely see tomorrow. Why does self-care feel so wrong? Like I’m helping someone who can’t be saved/doesn’t really want it …..Cue the self-defeating thoughts and panic…

I still did good today, so a win for now.

I (48f) was told I had anemia/ dehydration back in October. I haven’t taken much iron since it aggravates my gut. I do try once or twice a week.

I struggle with a mild eating disorder (restricting intake mostly but have vomited on occasion). I tried increasing my intake over the weekend and this led to a couple of rounds of purging.

Last night I woke with a very full bladder and very dry mouth. My immediate instinct was to get water and I collapsed upon standing. I never lost consciousness but couldn’t physically lift my body for 15 minutes. My heart felt weak and I became extremely nauseated. Elevating my arms -searching for a light switch- made the dizziness much worse. I bas

Going through a rough patch and (no surprise) dealing with intense panic/anxiety. I get lost to fear and pull out every mental coping skill acquired in a life of dealing with this. I dissociate heavily as stress increases. Combined with restrictive brain fog, it’s not the prettiest of pictures.

I fall deeper into restricting but when I nibble on something, I tell myself I’m fine. I’m making the ED bigger than it is so I don’t have to focus on real problems. After all, it’s mostly a head game of comfort and control. I can find safety in my body (and sadly, the scale) when the world is falling apart.

I had a moment of body checking this morning where I confronted myself “you know th

The threat of not making bills every month is killing me.

I’ve felt such intense hunger lately and constantly stuck between two wills: keep undereating or woman up, stop this self-imposed struggle and feed my body. (Why can’t it be as simple as that?)

Late last night I hit a physical point of really needing to eat. It was pure guilt and pure delight at the same time (hating myself for being “weak” while audibly moaning at allowing myself protein and carbs). A part of me felt stupid for denying such simple and necessary pleasures (while internally screaming “you’re gonna fuck up your weight tomorrow”).

Fair to say, my ED thoughts and wise woman thoughts are at war. I know I need more food in me and I can’t deny that fact.

I woke up early a

In terms of your eating disorder, what was 2023 like for you? What sticks out as the biggest change?

It tastes like instant regret and my mind is drifting to “what have I done?”

But really, what did I do? I ate for self-care and energy…if I purged now I’d fry my throat and add more acid into my system. I’d probably look puffier than if I just keep it in. I’m not going to purge and I’m posting this to hold myself accountable.

What number of bms starts to get your attention ? (Especially those who’ve had their resections for decades?)

I’m always thinking about food and eating in a global sense, but nothing specific sounds appealing anymore (that’s not to say I’m not taking in calories or eating, but my appetite is truly zilch these days).

I spend hours thinking about what to eat and come up blank; delaying the decision on a real meal for another day. I’ve lost my appetite for safe foods but eat them only out of indecision . I’m food obsessed but not actually craving anything. I’ve thrown out or given away so many failed ideas at what I might make myself. Nothing feels desired yet I know that’s part of the fog. The more I wait out a real appetite or desire, the more I restrict….making it harder to act and the cycle

I have nowhere to vent (without sounding gross): I haven’t had a solid bowel movement the month of November- entirely liquid like a faucet running that fills the bowl. If I wake at 3am (which is often) I’m on the toilet by 3:01. And again at 3:15. And again at 4…..

I hardly eat as it is, yet easily go 5-7 times a day on average. I’m used to the chronic d, but this is starting to annoy me.

Do they assume you’re being influenced by social media, peer pressure, etc? Do you feel lumped into a teenagers disease?

Or are you treated like an autonomous adult that’s influenced by a whole different set of issues?