jrippe

i never thought I would consider suicide. But lately. the idea creeps in. I got really sick two years ago, sepsis and endocarditis. I thought I beat it, but my heart was so damaged that two years later, I have Congestive heart failure. It's progressive. lost my job, my family, everything in two years. i live in my car now, and scrape by with snap and general relief while I wait on the determination of my disability application. Which takes almost 9 months to go through, with denial being the usual answer.

I put together a go fund me, and received two donations. I am eternally grateful to the two people who I've never met who tried to help me.

So lately I stare out the window of

Please help if you can

Two years ago, I nearly died from sepsis and endocarditis.

What started as a cracked crown over an old root canal turned into a life-threatening infection that spread through my body. It took six weeks of IV antibiotics, four surgeries to remove infected tissue from my right knee and left shoulder, and months of physical therapy before I could walk normally again.

I thought I had survived.

What I didn't know at the time was that the infection had permanently damaged my heart.

Last Christmas, I ended up in the ER after I started coughing up fluid. I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Today my heart functions at about 40% cap

Two years ago, I nearly died from sepsis and endocarditis.

What started as a cracked crown over an old root canal turned into a life-threatening infection that spread through my body. It took six weeks of IV antibiotics, four surgeries to remove infected tissue from my right knee and left shoulder, and months of physical therapy before I could walk normally again.

I thought I had survived.

What I didn't know at the time was that the infection had permanently damaged my heart.

Last Christmas, I ended up in the ER after I started coughing up fluid. I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Today my heart functions at about 40% capacity. I have also been diagnosed with COPD and cardiac

Two years ago I thought I had the flu. For five days I had a 104 fever and felt horrible. On that fifth day I woke up and my right knee was swollen, my left shoulder was yellow and swollen. I knew I was in trouble. I barely made it to the hospital... actually I didn't make it inside. i parked. made it to the elevator in the parking garage and took two steps out and collapsed on concrete. People walked around me but did nothing. A voice asked if I needed help and hands turned me over. This guy was massive, long blonde hair, a jacket that said Hoag Security. I briefly wondered when Thor started working at Hoag hospital. He put me on a bench, got a wheelchair and took me in. Turned out I had

My ex was able to get a restraining order, for five years, put on me, because I went to get grandparents as a welfare check, not to reach out to her.

My ex wife is always looking for ways to fuck with me. She found out about the RO. I was just served with papers to modify the existing visitation rights I have with my kids. She's pushing to take everything away. stating I am a threat to their safety.

Her deep seated need to control someone else based off a fucking fantasy in her head just literally destroyed my world. i have never felt fury like this.

I quite literally don't know what to do.

One of my ex pwBPD's exes couldn't get over her, and I was always slightly irritated by his constant presence in our world. She moved to NY and that's where he lived, and I was staying in CA. I kept waiting for her to go back to him. Now that I know more about how this personality disorder works, I think she was dating him as well for a while, telling me they were just friends. She hoovered him at least three times over the course of a year and a half.

He killed himself about a year ago now. And I think I know why finally. All he wanted was her back. And in the end, he wasn't her FP, so he was forgotten. I think he killed himself over her.

I have been sitting here in horror because

One minute I feel like I have a handle on everything. And boom, I can instantly miss her more than anything.

It's especially hard because she slammed a 5 year restraining order on me. I let my emotions get the best of me, and I informed her family about her lies. She was 10 steps ahead of me. That one stupid move destroyed me. And the part that's killing me, that I am having trouble wrapping my head around, is that even if I COULD talk to her, she would just hate me more.

How is it possible to love someone with all your being, so become so emeshed in them, literally giving everything, and they in turn think you didn't love them enough?

I'm just venting, and this is the only space

The grief overcomes me. Wave after wave. I know she didn't exist in the same sense I exist. She's already a completely different person, one I don't like very much. My girl was crazy, yes, but she was so sweet. Smart in a scary way but I love that.

It's cognitive dissonance multiplied by ambiguous loss. My brain is too fried to do that kind of math.

but I'm sitting in a parking lot, and I was reading about EDC, where she was going to take me this year... before it's too late. and I thought able how she still went. and I sat and cried.

i wish I could turn it off. Forget. I sometimes hope that the trauma that is her will give me BPD and I can devalue her.

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out because I have completely run out of road.

Two years ago, I battled sepsis and endocarditis. It nearly killed me. While I survived the initial infection, the damage to my heart was severe and irreversible. I am now living with congestive heart failure (with an EF of 35%) and cardiac amyloidosis.

The day I was discharged from the hospital, my life fractured completely:

I was served with divorce papers upon release.

Two months later, I was laid off as an infrastructure engineer because construction jobs were drying up. At 59, I couldn't even land a job at McDonald's.

The overwhelming stress triggered a heart attack, followed by three more since.

I tried sta

After my pwBPD hit me with a five year restraining order that took away my ability to fight for joint custody of my kids, I was so angry, so insane. As I went over the relationship, I began to see i was part of the problem too. Huge, earthshaking realizations came.

And for the first time in thirty years, I wanted to write something. I used to want to be a writer, but life and other things slowly killed that.

Well, I sat down and over the course of three days hammered out a novella called Five Years of Silence. It's based on my need to be a savior, doing whatever it took, giving me up. It's not super long, 80 pages. But it's the best writing I've ever produced. i was so happy with it

Hey everyone,

I’m 59, living in OC, and I’ve spent the last 30 years building networks and securing systems. But lately, my own "hardware" is failing. I dealing with heart failure, and the reality is I’m running on a limited clock. Add to that, my condition has lead me to not being able to work, still waiting to get disabilty which means I am about as broke as one can get. The final slap in the face, I am back living with my 89 year old mother after living in my car for 8 months.

Before I "log off" for good (it's not happening right now, don't worry), I’ve got one major thing left on my bucket list: I want to see the lights at EDC.

I’ve spent my life behind a keyboard or a server rack, a

Hey everyone,

I’m 59, living in OC, and I’ve spent the last 30 years building networks and securing systems. But lately, my own "hardware" is failing. I dealing with heart failure, and the reality is I’m running on a limited clock. Add to that, my condition has lead me to not being able to work, still waiting to get disabilty which means I am about as broke as one can get. The final slap in the face, I am back living with my 89 year old mother after living in my car for 8 months.

Before I "log off" for good (it's not happening right now, don't worry), I’ve got one major thing left on my bucket list: I want to see the lights at EDC.

I’ve spent my life behind a keyboard or a server rack, an