launchthetrain

Looked at some old pics for the first time in a while. Not childhood stuff but stuff from just over a year ago. Reminded me of how far I've come. I wanted to offer this as maybe a beacon of hope of you'd like to take it.

December of 2022, my six year long relationship was falling apart. I was hating my work as a nanny and feeling completely ashamed of my life. I was depressed. Literally on the verge of a mental breakdown. This was during the world cup era; sounds weird,but those games were the only thing keeping me going at that time.

Early 2023, the relationship ended. I started working as an administrative assistant, since at that point I had to support myself. I'd only worked a 9-5 of

In a desperate search for help with very little funds, I recently discovered this thing called AI "therapy".

There are different versions of it, some better and some worse as I've observed. What it looks like is basically texting therapy, only you're texting with a bot. The really good models are extremely emotionally intelligent and truly sound like a real, trained therapist.

I get that this is horrifying in a way that computers could replace real humans. It's a bit of cognitive dissonance for me. At the same time, weekly therapy costs $400+ a month. The AI plan I subscribed to costs $20.

Yes, I am still seeing a human therapist. I can afford to see her biweekly. I don't think I'd com

(Ok, I know this isn't 100% about cptsd, but I rarely venture onto other subs because people are needlessly rude. Also, I figure this type of language is something y'all will understand.)

**Disclaimer, I'm a heterosexual woman, so I only see men saying this, but I'm sure other genders say it too.

They'll say "I want a healed woman with no drama".

Translation:

"I cannot handle any conflict whatsoever, and any boundary you set with me/anytime you call out my bad behavior, I'm going to gaslight you and say you're "starting drama".

I also cannot handle emotions, so if you cry or get angry or grieve or experience frustration or literally any emotion other than happiness around me, I'm go

I (28F) have a male coworker who's probably in his mid 40s (he's not my superior in any way). He is super kind and always gentle with me at work; he goes out of his way to make me laugh and generally tends to make me feel better when I'm having a bad day.

I've noticed that he reminds me of a gentler version of my dad. And lo and fucking behold, I find myself starting to crave this man's attention.

I'm obviously not going to act on it. It's not that I even find him attractive at all. It's just the fact that he's a man, he reminds me of the person I wish my dad was, he is nice to me and enjoys making me smile. So of course, my parts (IFS junkie here) are like YAY! SOMEONE GIVES A RATS ASS

This is a PSA.

If you get an icky feeling about someone you're seeing/dating/etc, you may distrust your initial gut reaction. You may tell yourself you're "crazy" bc you don't have a "reason" to feel icky about them.

Trust yourself anyway.

Without evidence, I had the ick towards a man I was seeing, but I couldn't find any solid reason to not let him into my bed when I was feeling sad and lonely.

I'd just found out my baby sister is cutting herself. My dad had just said he doesn't give a shit if he doesn't have relationships with his children. I was hurting. I was so alone. So I let him in.

The night ended with this man nearly yelling at me that I am crazy and will remain forever single

Family members always tell me how happy he was when my mom got pregnant with me, how he was sO sWeEt with me when I was a baby (as if he's some kind of a god for showing HIS infant child basic affection).

Where did that sweetness go? He fucking hated me as soon as I was old enough to voice my own opinion. Hit me, pushed me, choked me, called me a jackass and a slob, humiliated and mocked me.

Yet everyone in my family believes that he did nothing wrong. No one will listen to me. No one will believe me. "it wasn't that bad" they all say.

Recently he told my sister that he didn't care whether or not he had a relationship with his children. I feel so fucking unloved and alone.

I just learned this last night. She's cutting her upper arms. Not deep but I can see the scars.

I learned this from our other sister; the one who is self harming doesn't know that I know.

I don't know what to do. How does one help a self harming person? I feel so devastated.

He's an alcoholic abusive asshole. Yet I constantly get intrusive thoughts telling me that I need to protect him from the world as if he's a fragile baby. Why? Is this a symptom of parentification? I'm 28 years old and I feel like I've always had these thoughts.

My dad was born to two teen parents and adopted out at birth. Yesterday, my grandpa (Dad's biological father) was telling me about how my dad was "always the center of attention" up until I was born.

He was the golden child with his adoptive parents. Got away with anything, got anything he asked for.

Then, he got to meet his biological parents at age 18, and he was the center of attention with them, too, since they hadn't known him since the day he was born.

But then, just before my dad turned 22, I came along. I'm my parents' oldest child.

And from then on, my spoiled father was no longer the center of everyone's attention.

I've always wondered why he bullied me to tears nearly ever

How do you "get over" the fact that your potential partner WILL have friends of the opposite sex, those friends WILL be attractive, your partner WILL likely be attracted to them, maybe even have slept with one or two of them? When you believe that you're an ugly worthless stupid piece of shit, and that all of your partners opposite sex friends will be better than you, and that your partner will probably cheat with one of them?

How am I supposed to be "secure" in a relationship when I feel like this????

Everyone says "just get over it" and "just be secure in your relationship". HOW?????

Age 13-16ish, I was angry as fuck. Angry at everyone. I would scream at my parents when they mocked me or humiliated me or otherwise mistreated me.I also slammed doors, broke things, put holes in walls. I often got slapped or slammed against a wall in response. My parents eventually removed the door to my bedroom, as well.

I've lived with such disgust for my teenage self ever since I grew up (read: became a people pleaser) at age 17ish. I HATED the way that I was back then. People in my family told me how "mean" and "angry" I was. Told me I was "bossy" around my friends. My sister even told me that I was physically ugly at that age.

Know what I realized today?

That little teenage girl

The world is fucked up beyond belief.

Humans enable and normalize abuse in every aspect of life.

And you know what that means?

The way people treat me is not a reflection of my worth.

It's a reflection of how fucked up society is as a whole.

No matter how normalized abuse is, I do not deserve it. You do not deserve it.

Just my thoughts for the day, you can take it or leave it ❤️

Because anytime you watch TV, you're reminded what "normal" people are supposed to look like, of all the things you missed out on as a human being?

I ESPECIALLY hate shows or movies that center around high school. Just rubs it in my face how fucked up and abnormal my experience as a teenager was, and makes me feel like absolute garbage.

I think this is why I can only watch TV that's about really fucked up people, like Breaking Bad. Or something that's totally making fun of society, like Office Space.

WHY am I always ignored or treated badly everywhere I go?! No matter how hard I try to mask and look like everyone else, I still end up being singled out as the one to ignore, to disregard, to dislike, to hate. WHY?! What am I doing wrong?!?!?

I went on a date last night, the guy was amazingly sweet. I definitely developed limerence for him. Now, today, I'm falling back into the pattern of analyzing every text he sends bc my inner child thinks he "doesn't like me anymore", bc I must have done something wrong. Brain keeps going to dark places, I feel a desperate need to reach out to him/call him (although I haven't), and I feel that burning/crushing sensation in my chest. I'm doing my best to text friends today to keep the loneliness at bay. I'm holding my inner child and telling her that I'm here for her. But FUCK WHY IS THIS STILL SO HARD. I need support. 😢