ncgrady

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TwN-ZTCAf3CRoUChuOVfMAuQgb1sOAVCXdEl414V7zg/edit?usp=sharing

Above is my second attempt at an opening chapter for you all to eviscerate. Some of the previous suggestions I applied directly, and some were considered and disregarded. My hope is that this chapter holds fewer clichés, fewer useless words, and that it comes in more grounded and with less speculative talk from the narrator. That being said, tell me if this is less of a steaming pile of shit compared to my first entry, which is here: https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/nzyibc/1717_ouroboros/?ref=share&ref_source=link

My critiques:

[4020] https://old.reddit.com/r/Destructiv

I am struggling a lot with the intro to this completed manuscript. In its entirety, it's about 100k words, and I am confident in a lot of it, but without a solid intro, no one's going to read past page 1. I have been back and forth between using this prologue or not, and it's hard to tell if it's necessary, or just a spoiler... Or out of place... I included a page of the second chapter to give an idea of how it is written (perspectives of 3+ different characters).

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c37iAeOi18ksqsYo4vqs3dN706qzfWxifC-9Q2MwhUA/edit?usp=sharing

Anyways, I'd appreciate any feedback on this. Please dismantle.

UPDATE: revamped work is here:

https://old.reddit.com/r/Destruct

Dear Agent,

The year is 3752. Alex has just finished recalibrating the Machine, and she will make her final attempt to reach Victor. It is a laborious process. After all, Victor’s last day on Earth was marked as September 22nd, 2010, nearly eight-hundred years before Alex was born. She knows the moment of his death, down to the minute— but she will need much more than that to pull him into her time. She will need to be precise; she will need to be exact.

Her life is in the balance, and Victor is her last hope at survival. He is a pure biologic: neither part of the connected nor the disconnected. This trait of humanity of old will allow him to reactivate Alex’s network after the Great Sola