shirlott

I simply love humans

and humanity

witnessing them

overcome

the hardships

thier dreams

thier hard work

the resilence

I love it all

and it is what I appreciate

not the glam

not the show

but once the mask wears off

that feeling of being lost

and yet striving

that belief in something

impossible

the rich and poor alike

same hormones

in head

thus we unite

and then a boy comes and calls me hater of humanity

and I wonder

I love humans

all the books I read are about them

I dont trust anyone with my heart yes

because I am afraid

to be vulnerable

yes

I dont like to be told what to do yes

and yes sometimes my ego overpowers me

and sometimes self respect

as an observer

these times where you are there
and not there
now there are no tears

I wipe out the dry eyes in habit
of how you left me alone at nights

all my love and care
amount to nothing
there are no more tears

you can choose your life
without me
as you can choose a woman who
makes you happy
there are no tears

I am not really sure
how you sit back and let me suffer
there are no tears

there is a silence from your end
and a silence from my heart

I am no more in love
and I am fallen all apart

your behavior is so rude
and unfair and cruel and I get told I am a monster

You didnt apologise for anything

I endured

Required your time and friendship

and you were too b

This is to vent. Now I have to go back to the grind of job hunt, the adventure that is. Loose the paycheck and hit the savings and interview interview and grind grind, and thats how life is gonna be it took me fifteen days to process it as there was definitely attachment and aversion to grind but now the grind is back with a effing lot of puzzles and living alone and not complaining and effing Idk how to justify that I gotta take it soldier through this fkery of market

Things I wish I had learned from previous ly

1. markateable skills
2. kept resume updated
3. kept applying and interviewing
4. but no I wanted to settle down and deal with effing gallbladder and effing relationship

Will life change, I regret I gave so much importance to love. I regret I was afraid to be alone. The past was scary for a woman who was without a man. So I swallowed my pride and remained with the person who didnt honor me for ten years.

I lost.

I must leave now. He is not here. He is gone in pune where you left him. I am sorry for your loss perhaps it was deep.

This is a transactional love and it isnt enough this may be the reality of the world and I dont need it I am not interested in experiencing this everyday an arrangement of sorts that I follow his duties of partner for some stablity and keeping a boyfriend.

He gets out of everything I tell him to do and he lets me cry alone too.

I am not in love with them anymore but I am intimate and its different the joy is a drug that wears off now with no love to bind it to last.

Thus beautiful people arent the answer nor is the most rich guy, I always knew it was within me to love, and I love...my subject to not hurt me ..to keep me sane

First of all, nobody asked me why I lived alone. They did question me how I would take care of myself. But more often then not the world mirrors my own doubts and confidence.

I was lonely, the fire was out, the room was cold and I didnt know who to turn to when lights went out.

girls have asked me how I do it? how am I feeling safe , how am I such a solitary bird, ex bf called me antisocial oh how I hate that guy.

But I craved human company. Then went into existential crises and mbti crises, was I really an introvert. Nah! entp-ish. Okay that explains why I was so often sad alone in my house and needed someone. But the moment I thought of someone, I was like umm, i dont want drama.

But

The year of breakups with the same person perhaps must have made it worse.

I haven't achieved anything fundamentally great with respect to music or art or physics or electronics.

I have learned to cook. Yes. I am yet to enjoy it. I have got a pretty good kitchen but a place is only so much, the cooked food should be delicious thats the metric.

My sleep has been greatest. I have slept so well at times. However due to breakups I wasnt regular in sleeping and sometimes talked to random people at night to ward off loniliness.

I have a garden or say, the strongest plants who survived when I wasnt there to water them. ( snake plants)

I dont have a vegetable garden.

I have a balcony as I a

Why? why do all the roads lead here. Introverted yes - but likes to play games with people.

Extroverted yes - but cant stand the group parties for more than 3 hrs.

Methodic and structured - but often about things like debating both sides and what if's.

Assertive -( argumentative) yet filled with self doubt

What are you confused little fella, mistyped as intp for years and yearning social interaction and getting into arguments with parents for sake of fun

ah! ENTP