Source
r/relationship_advice•
sexystellarose

[26F] [27M] I don’t want to lose my husband

NSFW

I’ll try to make this make sense, I’m at a loss. I’d love advice.

I’m trying to decide if therapy is the way to go here, I’m terrified of it, I’ve have tried counseling before, have been told I’m fine on my own, and not to worry about going back (from the counselor).

Some background info: I’m very sexually broken.. starting at age 4 to present, I’ve been molested, assaulted, and raped. I finally figured out that it’s affected me more than I want to admit, and I know I need help.

I think about sex literally all the time, and am super depressed about the fact that I can’t have sex the way I want to, and never will. I’m married to an amazing man, who wants me all to himself. I understand that this is a normal thing in marriage, but it doesn’t make sense in my brain. This is starting to cause us a lot of issues, as I’m trying to shut down that part of me, so we can be truly happy together.

I feel so pathetic. I get so down that I’ll never have sex with a woman. (I’m bi, but raised very religious so only admitted to being into guys, though I’m much more attracted to women) I feel dumb for wishing I could still sometimes sleep with other people. My first year of college I was bed-hopping like crazy.

After the first 6 months of marriage, I stopped being able to be just horny for my husband, and constantly fantasize about others to be able to go off and be wet enough to have sex and not hurt. I hate this about me.

I was worried that me getting married right after I turned 20 would cause me issues here, but I didn’t want to lose my now husband, and my parents were very anxious for me to settle down, and stop sleeping around. This is our only issue, probably because it’s the only thing that is a one way or another type thing. There’s no compromise here. I have to fix this issue.

So I guess if any of that has made sense, what it boils down to, is, is it possible for therapy to really change your perspective on sex and how you think about it? Or is there any advice on how to work through this? I don’t want to lose my husband to my own issues. We also have a baby girl together, and I don’t want this to affect her.

Posted Jan 1, 2023, 1:46 AM UTC

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Dependent_Remove_326•

Yes. Look into sex addiction as well. Very common for SA survivors. I will tell you a quicky with somebody you love is better than pornstar sesx with anyome else. YOu and your husband deserve your effort. If you are unwilling to do the therapy, why would you fear it it doesn't hurt, then you need to leave him.

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sexystellaroseOP•

I’ll look into that. Thank you

I guess I’m scared of therapy because it harmed my brother. I don’t want to risk getting worse than I always am.

0
Dependent_Remove_326•

So its hard but if you put in the work it doesn't harm you it gives you the tools to help yourself.

Your brother is not processing his trauma and turned to heroin to cope. You turned to sex as your drug of choice. Have the effort or lose EVERYTHING you have. A the addiction will take EVERYTHING.

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sexystellaroseOP•

Excellent point. Thank you for explaining that so well. That helped a lot and clicked in my brain.

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1
PixieOnAcidLate 20s Female•

Yes, therapy can help you. There are therapists that focus specifically on sex and intimacy as well as trauma. You should try to look into one of those and go to both solo sessions and couples sessions with your husband.

You're not broken or wrong for what you feel, but you do need somewhere where you can really address what your trauma has done to your mentality around sex. A place where you can come to terms with what you really want and what will make you the happiest.

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sexystellaroseOP•

That is so good to know that’s there’s specific therapists for that. I will look into that, thank you!

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Murky_Anxiety4884•

I don't suppose there are any guarantees with therapy, but doing nothing can't be the better alternative.

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sexystellaroseOP•

Good point, thanks

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Katseye1975•

Yes therapy can help with the sexual trauma and dealing with the ongoing effects, but it's not going to make you NOT be Bi anymore.

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