I won’t be special any more

It's not pathetic, and it's actually pretty common in people who start to pursue recovery. However, an eating disorder doesn't make you special, no matter what lies it is feeding to you, and recover presents the possibility of finding all kinds of new "things" that are way more fulfilling and rewarding and authentic to you.

I feel this so deeply. I am TERRIFIED of being average.

I feel this. I feel like it is the one thing that I can do well.

One thing that makes me swallow the hard truth is something anothwr client and I discussed in treatment...just look around, lots of people diet. Look at this sub, people who engage in ED behavior aren't in shortage. People lose weight all the time, and heck, lots of people may be the same size as you/us without a disorder. And lots of people are better or sicker.

An ED isn't special. We share so many common behaviors and thoughts. We share some safe foods and number obsession. It's not special. Even children struggle with EDs.

The best not average people with EDs? They're dead.

It's a pattern, habit, and many of us are on autopilot. What is really is special--true empowerment --is trying to making recovery oriented choices in the face of those challenges.

But yeah, ED and logic don't mix. And it's damn hard to know something but to still find safety in the pain. And it's a truth I hate knowing that my "one thing" isn't special at all when I am honest with myself.

You know what helped me?

There's nothing special about having an ED. It's even kind of scary and ridiculous how similar some of the thoughts and actions are from one patient to another.

Everytime I was IP or in residential, it was like a crazy repetition of the same fucking fears, complains. Teens and middle age women saying the same exact things. Same group therapies in 2005 and 2016. Like robots.

There's nothing special or unique about the eating disorder experience. And it's such a common illness that you can find someone like you in every street. And there's always someone younger, older, sicker, more fucked up than you.

Understandable.

The thing is, actually being recovered from an ED is more special than having one. We all have one. But not all of us mange to recover.

And part of your recovery will be finding more of your own identity as an adult, and appreciating it for actually being more special than being thin. Or, you'll begin to live a life in which you don't care to be special anymore.

I don't think any romantic partner worth being with will be loving you because you're so 'special' with your ED. They will go for your smile, your quirks, your kindness, the things that make you you that are healthy.

Yeah it's always disappointing to lose the one thing that's unique about you. But maybe there's more uniqueness that you just don't see yet. For example being the natural red head. Having natural curls. Or it's a skill that you either take for granted, or will develop during abd after recovery. The one who knows krav maga. The one who does pole dance. The one who's great at royal icing and baking. The one who's known for their exquisite dinner parties. And asides from looks and skills, what about traits? Aren't you the loyal one, the empathic one, the sweet one, the real one,...? There's so much. Endless possibilities. Even if you feel like somebody has what you have: nobody has it like you, in your combination, in your area, or even the exact same way that it manifests in you.

And as a side note, I've heard this topic of wanting to be special in so many songs. Which shows, it's a hella relatable desire! Maybe not the best song for ED folks but radiohead's creep has the line:

"I wished I was special, yes so very special"

Another band has a whole song about it in my first language (kinda niche so I'll simply translate) and they sing:

"We all want the same one thing, more or less, since the beginning of humankind. [Then he proceeds to mention a few example, varying each time:] a spot in the sun, fresh fruit and vegetables, and someone who loves you. What's being original? Is it subcultural identity? There's so much we desire for we all want to be special. I think I'm starting a club and nobody is allowed in it, only me, the club for special ones. We all want the same one thing..."

We are all united by the same desire, I guess.

It’s not pathetic. Your eating disorder is part of your identity and it feels like losing a part of yourself when you go into recovery. I understand completely. I used to always think that I could fail at anything ‘but at least I’ll still be thin’ so I completely understand the mentality.

I feel this way, there’s a social currency to being thin that fills my pitiful little life. People don’t think I look like shit though, which of course makes me feel like “welp, guess there’s nothing wrong here”

This is 100% what’s kept me stuck despite working with a team for over a year after relapse in summer/fall 2021.