Lababy91

For gods sake. I can’t even be bothered to cry or be angry. I just feel so defeated. Resigning myself to anorexia being a shitty friend who will hang around me for the rest of my life. Lying here with hunger pains unable to sleep thinking yesss that’s it, hurts so good. It’s like spending months climbing out of a muddy pit and then just going oh fuck it, wheeeeeeee🙃

Been in what my therapist had designated my healthy weight range for about four months now, continuing to gain/restore on and off but it never goes away, I end every day feeling fat and disgusted at myself and whenever I’m sad about anything else in life I find myself “grieving” my thinness and stupidly it feels like a comfort blanket has been taken away. I’m unhappy with my weight but I’m trying to remember I was back then too, now I’m unhappy with my weight but without the serious health risk which I guess is preferable. Hate meeting new people who didn’t know me when I was thin and thinking that they only know me as this weight, brought to you from the insane ramblings of an ED mind

I just want to go back to being thin. I absolutely fucking hate recovery and I want to be skinny again

I’m not yet officially recovered and I’m seriously wavering on that journey but I also believe I won’t (any time soon) return to my worst behaviours or my LW, and I feel…sad. I feel like I’ve lost something and even though it was awful and there’s a reason I sought help in the first place, I miss it too. I was naked in front of the mirror yesterday thinking I look so fat which I rationally know isn’t true as I’m still underweight but I’m significantly bigger than I was and I just got this overwhelming feeling of “it’s over” and burst into tears. Not because I felt fat (although I cry on the reg over that too) but a feeling of genuine loss and sadness.

It feels like I’m escaping an abusive r

Reduce the space

Your body owns

Let’s feel those pangs

Let’s see those bones

If there’s no pain

In that hard chair

There’s too much of

Your body there

The wind that knocks

Your freezing knees

Should all but lift you

To the breeze

Control the grief

And use the hate

Don’t add the milk

Don’t clear your plate

Too fat here

Too wide there

Ashen skin

Thinning hair

Chew your cheek

Clench your fist

Claw your thigh

Clasp your wrist

Tell your friends

You can’t be there

They’ll want to get

The large to share

Push around

Your birthday cake

The party’s real

The smile is fake

Grave expressions

Worried frown

Let’s drive those kilos

Down, down, down

Drink a coffee

C

Been attending weekly clinic since early January where I get weighed, weight plotted on a graph, I keep eat/drink diary sheets throughout the week which my therapist goes through with me and I receive CBT. For me the CBT is the least helpful part as I think I’m just not the right type of person for it. But the diaries and weigh ins keep me accountable and the other useful thing about clinic is having a place to spill out all my crazy in relation to ED and they never have wtf expressions, they’ve heard it all before. As of 3 weeks ago I am officially out of the anorexic weight range and into underweight.

With that out the way, as I just wanted to say positive things about treatment in case a

New year and all of that fresh start bollocks and now I’m really trying recovery in earnest. One of the things that keeps coming up to claw me round the face is the sensation that I just won’t be special any more. Even though my body looks terrible at this low weight and no one in my life thinks anything other than that I look like shit, I’m like, at least I have a thing and if I go back to a healthy weight I’ll just be one more person and I won’t have this medal of honour that I cling to all the time.

I know that this is really pathetic but that’s why I’m pouring it out to you lovely people, I feel free to be pathetic without judgement here.

The UK is currently experiencing an “arctic blast” and let me say where I am it is fucking baltic. I can NOT get warm despite looking like Joey with the jumpers in the episode where the girl keeps punching him. Getting dressed in the morning is penance, I will physically fight my husband over the central heating if necessary, every fucking part of me is freezing. That concludes my slowly-typed rant on how painfully cold I am.

Trying to work through this illness but every time my weight is up a bit I lose my shit, every time I eat more than I know I “should” I have a meltdown, tears streaming in a room on my own because I feel fat and like a failure and like I’ve somehow lost it when being at my lowest weights or under a certain number makes me feel calm and successful. Absolutely hating trying to recover and can’t envisage a time when I don’t feel this way.

I’m due on my period which are still coming despite being light and short now but not only does that always make me raging angry at the world but it also means my daily weigh ins have been higher than they probably otherwise would be and that’s sent me into a tailspin too.

Just fucking furious tonight at this heinous illness and everything that it steals from you. Feel like screaming. I was never fat. But now even a .5kg gain makes me feel like a whale even though I’m already pretty severely underweight. Why do I have this and how the fuck do I ever get back to a normal life where food and weight don’t rule every waking moment, where I can go to a coffee shop and eat a cake instead of sitti

Ready for my referral to an ED clinic. Bloods are all within the normal range, ECG results are pending, blood pressure is very low at 94/60 and BMI puts me in “moderate anorexia”. The nurse was really kind, which, naturally, made me want to cry… She pulled up my weight from a year ago from when I had an operation on my cervix and I was surprised at how high it was. So I knew how much I weighed now but not how much I’d lost in a year. Generally feeling a bit blindsided, a bit childish, a bit lost really. She said I’d done the right thing by contacting them and having the tests done etc. But it’s hard to hear things like this from a medical professional I suppose.

Like, excessively?

I’m a hobby baker but I’ve found during this relapse that I’m just absolutely obsessively baking. Around a cake a day plus other treats, for my husband and kids, and I’m also putting a lot more time and thought into their dinners, breakfasts etc than I usually do, even though I’ve always enjoyed cooking food for my family. I’m baking for the neighbours and any time I go to a friend or relative’s house, spending my time reading and bookmarking recipes. But it’s like it’s not that I’m hungry and obsessing over food, I’m not feeling any interest in eating the things I make, I just want to feed people. Wtf?

UPDATE AT END

And have my first ever appointment tomorrow. It’s just a telephone consultation due to the absolute impossibility of getting a real appointment with a GP these days, thank you tories. But I’m tired of living like this and scared for my kids. I have no idea what to expect but the last two times I lapsed into ED I had wake up calls (falling pregnant the first time, meningitis the second) that snapped me out of restriction, and this time I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel so I’m going to try out the doctor and see what happens. This time is also worse, my weight is lower and my appetite is close to nil. I don’t actually want to get better. If I did, I would just sta

That is all

I spent years climbing this hill and I’ve slid all the way back down to the bottom and I’m too fucking tired to try again. I can’t fight the demon I can’t pretend I’m going to try and eat normally again or gain weight because I’m not. I want help to flip the switch in my brain because short of that nothings going to change. But I won’t seek help because I don’t want to gain weight. I lie to everyone I love every day. Sit in a pizza restaurant with my kids and smile and shake my head when the waitress asks if she’s forgotten mine because she only brought two. Pretend to eat their crusts then spit them into a napkin that I put in my bag so I’m not making anyone else have to touch it. No one th