[2437] REWRITE Chap 1 The Lies of Ashukin

High Fantasy

(NOTE: This will be my last post for at least a week, I promise!)

Hey everyone, so I did a major rewrite of my chapter one. I moved a pretty big reveal to the very first chapter and I think it serves as a stronger hook. If you have a moment, I'd love to know if you agree or disagree!

As always, my primary question is: Based on the strength of this chapter, would you keep reading?

Also, after the google docs I'm posting how the recent battle scene thread impacted me. if you think that worked as well, I'd love to hear it. I was DEEPLY influenced by it, but not nearly as much as I've been influenced by all of the commenters so far. This community is incredible and I look forward to critiquing over the next week while I get more of my own edits done.

As Appropriate_Care pointed out, short stories are vastly different beasts (from novels). As my only publishes have come from short stories, I decided to make this first chapter similar to a short story that ends on a cliffhanger. I hope I succeeded, but if I didn't feel free to tear it apart. I've learned a lot this week and I'm hungry to learn more.

Thank you everyone!

Editable Version:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PgJOJDRzI6AAu1GjW4Cws5FzE1NstvcS3cifChPzNME/edit?usp=sharing

Clean Version:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IECMjswrCf--r25K1q695Iu1AEbIfhvNZJ0dKBC169M/edit?usp=sharing

Battle Scene:

Minigame:

Keep one alive for questioning in regard to the revelation.

The “Oh Shit” moment:

Attacker draws a knife and Khella must kill him even though it risks not getting information about her husband and his mysterious age loss.

Knobs/Dials:

More attackers coming down the hill, one getting to Khella.