Source
r/LongDistance•
eff666

physical intimacy „problem“

hey,

me and my so have met a year ago and spent 6 months in the same place. It was wonderful and we wanted to keep on going, now we live on other sides of the world and we can see each other two times a year. It has been going well, but lately, I find myself craving physical intimacy. I absolutely want to be with him, but at the moment it is pretty unclear what he wants to do after college and that‘s gonna be decided in a bit less than a year. So no perspective on when to close the distance.

We‘ve talked about opening up our relationship, but never followed through. I think we both would not do want that if we were in the same place or saw each other more often.

So the other night, I was out with a friend. There were some sparks, but nothing happened. But it really awakened a desire in me and made me painfully aware of how much i miss physical intimacy, just hugs too. I can definitely see myself being compassionate with my partner if he would hook up with other people, but as far as I am aware of he does not feel the same way.

Any advice on how to cope with that? I will definitely talk about it with my so, but I don‘t want to push him into opening our relationship. But then again, I really miss the sexual part of my personality.

Posted Mar 25, 2023, 3:36 PM UTC

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DeadWoman_WalkingUK to USA - 4500 miles•

Absolutely DO NOT open your relationship based on a crush or loneliness. This will blow up in your faces.

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One_Selection7199•

In my opinion, if you have sparks with others and think about opening a relationship, you should just end it and be happy. Why would you continue it if you have no future together and you want others? Don't waste your time and just enjoy life.

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eff666OP[EU] to [US]•

I appreciate the comment - I honestly want a future with him. At the moment there is just not clear path to it. I would not break up with him for someone who I just physically „crave“.

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One_Selection7199•

And you would be happy if he just send you a message "sorry, I can't talk now, this hot blonde girl with beautiful boobs is coming soon, we'll have a wild sex the whole night"? And just after a random guy finish in your mouth you would send him "hi baby, I miss you so much"?

Are you even attracted to your boyfriend or it's just a friendship?

1†
eff666OP[EU] to [US]•

What? I mean if we would open things we would definitely have rules and we would prioritize each other. The way you framed it here is definitely not what I would want or do. I am very attracted to him and we try to keep the sexual intimacy up as good as possible.

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One_Selection7199•

So how would you want to do it? Seriously, I'm trying to imagine how it would work without hurting anyone. Would you let him to spend with a girl only one hour? She would have to be uglier with you? What if he would fall in love?

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1
MyDadBod_2021•

If my LDR SO came to me and asked if we could open up the relationship, I would say no. I'm not wired that way. I think I would then wonder all the time if 1. she was cheating on me, and/or 2. If I was enough for her. I don't know what your SO's thoughts are, and it sounds like the question has come up, but I would still tread lightly. Maybe LDR isn't for you. It is tough st times being away from them, but you might have to choose, depending on how they respond

12
GIGN707th•

If you’re thinking about opening up a relationship, chances are it’s already over and you just don’t realize it yet.

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notoriously_glorious🇺🇲 to 🇲🇫 💕 (3,675 m/5915 km) •

If you aren't poly then I don't see how this is going to work. Most monogamous people cannot shut off the emotions to just have casual sex and still be in love with their partner. If you can do that, then you're poly/poly in denial.

Missing physical touch is a serious issue, it's not to be taken lightly, but it's a sacrifice. If you aren't willing to sacrifice and they are then you aren't compatible. If you aren't on the same page with intimacy then you aren't compatible.

What's preventing you from getting a plane ticket and going to see him ?

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eff666OP[EU] to [US]•

I‘ll give that some thought.

I can‘t afford it at the moment, I don‘t have off from work, he does not have time and it‘s a 24 hour flight - we really can‘t just hop on a plane and see each other spontaneously.

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notoriously_glorious🇺🇲 to 🇲🇫 💕 (3,675 m/5915 km) •

I get that, I wasn't implying just hop on a plane but trying to make that happen is the obvious choice. Either way, it's pretty interesting what the barrier is that makes opening the relationship/cheating okay to you. If It were a 12 hr flight would you still consider it? Or a 6 hr flight?

My recommendation, from someone with a very HL, get some toys, have some phone/video sex, write some cards/poems, send some sexy pics, take a warm bath, buy a body pillow and a heat pad and snuggle that at night. Stop going to bars/clubs, hug your platonic friends or family.

How long has it been since you've seen him ? What have you done to try to satisfying yourself other than that idea of hooking up with someone ? I know none of this replaces physical touch, sometimes it feels so lonely and is so fucking difficult and painful...but I you have to weigh whether it's worth it...

He deserves to have a faithful partner, you deserve to feel loved and satisfied. This situation sucks and I hope you both figure out whatevers best for you both.

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eff666OP[EU] to [US]•

Thank you for your replies.

I assume this really did not come across the way I intended to. I do not want to cheat on my SO. I wrote this post to cope with it. I absolutely adore my SO. I don't want to cheat on my partner, regardless of the distance.

We've last seen each other in December and things have been a bit rocky because of timing issues at the moment. Slightly rocky. It's gonna be another few months until we see each other. We're planning very far in advance :) I hardly ever think about my sexuality or being unfulfilled, the experience I mentioned just reminded me of that. And that I miss it.

I own a decent amount of toys and the collection is getting bigger and bigger :) But good input with the heat pad and the body pillow, I will get that.

Honestly, I think you might be right that I might be a closeted polyamorous person, but I am really not looking for a second relationship. I will give this some thought though.

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notoriously_glorious🇺🇲 to 🇲🇫 💕 (3,675 m/5915 km) •

I hope the best for you both, just try to be honest with him. I know it'll be a difficult conversation.

I may have missed it in your post/replies but when can you close the gap ?

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HelpMeSum1Help•

If the person is important enough to you, you can get around having sparks with people closer. If you’re tempted it’s normal, but if you can’t control it then your partner doesn’t mean enough to you. Simple as that really

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raedkaddoura•

Open relationships are kind of just people that can't control their sexual urges. Like sure, you might find someone else sexually attrative, but why would you allow yoursel fto feel that you'd actually want to do anything sexual with them? I understand the sexual frustration that you might have, but its a consequence you have to accept of your LDR, otherwise end it if you cant handle it.

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jasou93•

My and my LDR SO have been together for almost 5 years 2 years together and 3 years long distance. The physical intimacy is truly hard. There is nothing that will replace it, we did open our relationship for awhile but it honestly led nowhere for either of us.

Open communication is definitely key, especially over the uncomfy thing. We believe "not pushing" is it leaves space for resentment if that's what you truly seek but trying out other options before pursing the conversation again is definitely helpful. Like virtual masturabation together is really all you got, but there's also platonic intimacy with friends that helps me get by. Hugs from best friends and being able to receive physical touch in a comforting but non sexual way from friends. Healthy distractions. It's not easy in any kind of way, but if it's worth it, you two will find a way to communicate and find a healthy medium for both of you.

Best of luck!

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gloomboyseasxn[Ohio] to [Minnesota] (850 mi)•

I’m gonna speak from a completely different perspective here, as most people in this comment section are saying to just end it. I used to be polyamorous, I stopped when I met my current partner (they did not ask for this, I did). That being said something we miss greatly is that physical intimacy. We talk about it a lot! I suggest being open and honest with your partner about that craving and discuss ways you could satisfy those needs! If you guys are both comfortable with your relationship enough to open it up then do so! If nonmonogamy is a dealbreaker for both of you, then discuss different avenues. If you guys want to be with each other and feel truly meant to be, then talk it out.

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eff666OP[EU] to [US]•

Thank you for the optimism :)

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