Source
r/Divorce_Men•
Error-Original

Going to war has taken its its toll.

When I first found you all I was advised to go to war and at first I did, but then I backed off, however I have since resumed total war. The things I have done to win will haunt me for a while. I loved this girl and now I have to destroy her. I get that I am doing this for my daughter, but all the deception and everything else is weighing heavy on me. I have a therapist and Im hoping to find a way through this, but damn ensuring total victory has meant doing things I am super uncomfortable with.

Posted Apr 29, 2023, 5:08 AM UTC

1321
ranger69danger•

Bro. This is a zero sum game. IMHO.

12
Error-OriginalOP•

I get that. I guess Im not used to crushing enemies I so recently loved.

4
ranger69danger•

Yeah I hear you, totally went thru a phase of shock and kinda dumbfounded sensation that she could literally flip a switch and go from simply refusing to sign the petition to divorce - yet a part of my family - to actively physically assaulting me and then calling the cops to assign blame for her row on me.

You will find, I hope, like I did, that the duration of shocky pain is not extreme. For me it went away pretty quickly once I settled in to the fact that she stopped being trustworthy.

3
mrclark121•

So true...

1
Grand-Expression-493•

What does that mean?

0
sicrm•

think of it as a means to an end until the case is over. if you rolled over during the case, your life after it would be that much harder.

also on your post about rewriting history look up the light switch effect

5
DocHolliday80•

She would to the same or worse to you if she had the chance, don’t think it is something personal against her, just the way it is thought to work and you are just looking for your best interest.

5
import_help•

Dude I fucking hear you. It was rough. I’m not a fighter by nature, and I really struggled with… I don’t know, the shittiness of it? But you’ve got to. You have to stay strong and you have to hit back. Yes, you loved her, but you’ve been presented with an existential threat.

What got me through this was my daughter. YOU have to be her voice, and you have to fight for her. Does she deserve to have all the time with her father that she can get? The only way to make that happen, unfortunately, is throw a punch and go for the knockout.

I could’ve written this man, I know the feeling all too well. It does get easier, but I know I lost a lot of sleep over it. The whole thing just felt, at best, dishonorable. But you’ve been called to war. You may not have started the fight, but you do have to finish it. Your little girl needs that of you.

5
[deleted]•

My short experience in this--filed, fought a TRO, fighting about temporary orders--is that one takes a low blow. Say me, wanting to sell the house. STBX takes a blow lower--saying I have a medical condition that affects being a parent. Then I go one lower, Then she goes one lower. How low? Well there's that one time I did that, and the other time she did that, and now we gotta call a witness to it, and well, why didn't she get the raise she was lined up for before the divorce? Now let's get a statement from her boss. It's a bottomless pit, and at the end...? At temporary orders the judge was 2 hours behind, hadn't looked at thing, yelled at me for not providing my W2 back when I filed my disclosure 2 months ago and didn't even have it, and spent more time setting up the next hearing 2 months later. Fight, yes, but I am having trouble seeing the point of it all other than to create animosity. And billable hours. Next: I have to talk to my lawyer about responding to her discovery request. I think it's unreasonable, and I expect I'll have to decide if I'm going to respond in kind with an equally unreasonable and offensive request. I just don't see why it has to be this way. I can barely sleep, don't want to eat, haven't had a good shit in a while, and generally just feel awful. I got another 6-12 months to go I'm guessing.

3
Seemedlikefun•

What you are doing is securing the best possible, emotional, physical and financial future for you and your daughter. Nothing more, and nothing less is acceptable. Finish the task!

5
Wired4Data•

Like yourself, Not many of us want war but we have to prepare for war if we want any chance of peace! I loved my ex at some point too and used to try and pull my punches, each time she thanked me with a lie about me, my family, how our child felt about me, etc. My point is that love we once had is a weakness for them to exploit, stay ready because they won’t hesitate to gut you like a fish!

4
JonathanApple•

Yeah, If you have kids I'd try for peace but I know not always an option. My ex declared nuclear war and now unfortunately we will despise one another till days we die. Not best for the kid but it is what it is. Definitely do not roll over. Fight if needed. Just don't start the fight.

3
RuRu_1999•

Could you give us some idea of what this war looks like? What kinds of things?

2
ranger69danger•

I gather that you’ve not lived through divorce as a man. It’s hard for our dumb little male brains to work through the binary switch from family member to competitor for resources, to legal enemy, to physical abuser (no sarcasms). Ask me how I know.

2
RuRu_1999•

I think I was asking which legal actions Op perceived as war-like. Filing a motion? Arguing for a change in spousal support? Arguing to keep their child in the same state? Are these items what he means by “war”?

2
ranger69danger•

For me I could not specify what parts of the legal process felt like mortal combat near so well as I could tell you that the moments where I had fear for my bodily safety were in line with OP’s essence of emotion.

2
Error-OriginalOP•

Contacting her ex and having him file for child support modification at the same time 5 states away. Talking to him and learning what Ive learned. Using her cps cases against her. Using her medical records agaisnt her. Watching her family turn against her because shes giving up a secure marriage for a fling. Shes giving up never having to work for struggle because of her limerence. Hiring an attorney levels above her very expensive attorney she hired with my money, but realizing hes an ambulance chaser while my guy is in a corner office over looking the courthouse square. I just didnt want to go to war.

1
RuRu_1999•

Oh I am so sorry it got to that point.

1
mrclark121•

When you cross the line into the land of Divorce emotion must be removed. This now is strictly business. Handle it. The mere fact your feeling that way and mentioning your doing this for your daughter clearly indicates a well grounded good dude. Just remember many years from now when you look back on this (which you will) you are going to be very thankful you dealt with this situation with your head instead of your heart.

2
Spirited_Ad_1540•

This is so helpful. I’m in the same situation. Being used as a doormat (I continue to allow it to happen). Trying to find the courage to file.

2
joemoorcarz•

Sounds like a divorce in progress

1