My mother doesn’t like my toddler because she acts like a… toddler

Remind her that she's an adult and she needs to regulate her own emotions. Children are not responsible for adult feelings.

Also remind her that she'll never be this small again and she need sto enjoy her as much as possible.

Suspect she had big fantasies about how much kiddo would instantly adore and be 100% cute at all times. That's not happening, she's disappointed, she doesn't know how to fix it so she's upset and lashing out a bit.

Suggest little things to get clicking better. Stroller walk, ice cream, any fun silly little games she likes that her grandma could participate in too.

Can you take her to a children’s museum or something while she’s visiting? Maybe seeing a bunch of kids acting just like yours would make her understand how normal your daughter’s behavior is.

I recommend you read "adult children of emotionally immature parents" because your mom is sounding immature as hell right now.

For your mom, maybe if she's open to it, "how to talk so kids will listen"

Good luck!

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Its kind of similar with my mother as well. My rationale is this, my parents didn’t get to have a childhood or proper parents. They basically missed that phase and i have read how that can severely affect your emotional maturity for the rest of your life cuz you are never allowed to mature in a proper way.

So while the mind and bodies age, emotionally most people without the opportunity of having good nurturing, simply are stunted emotionally.

I now try to see that in my mum. Essentially she doesn’t know how to react to certain situations like a toddler throwing a tantrum, having a meltdown or not taking to her. She gets upset and takes it personally rather than thinking its just a toddler and she needs to behave like a rational adult.

Honestly the best resource is distance. She doesn’t like your toddler, doesn’t know how to speak appropriately about someone else’s child? She doesn’t have to visit and right now, can leave. This is beyond her understanding that toddlers will be toddlers and not all children are the same, but the way you’ve described her talking about your child isn’t going to help your child either.

Sounds like pretty typical toddler stuff to me, but also, so what if she was different than other kids her age? Should that make her unworthy of love or affection from her grandmother?

As a mom of a neurodiverse kiddo who WAS a bit “strange” as a young toddler (and still is!), that’s something I’ve struggled with a lot with my parents. Their job should be to love the grandchild they have and not the one they think she “should” be.

I think your mom has been an adult for so long that she doesn’t remember how toddler behaves. Also, when you were growing up was your mom your sole care taker? Or did you live with grandparents, have nanny, or an older sibling(s) so took turn taking care of you while your mom could have some sort of break?

I’m a SAHM and I can’t for the life of me see how I could do this with more than 1 child. My parents and my siblings have a lot of kids and it occurred to me that my mom never had to raise any of her kids by herself ( my parents got help from both grandparents -their parents- when my oldest siblings were born; and when I was born my oldest siblings helped look after me; and when my younger siblings were born it was deemed “my responsibility” as an older sister to help out). But anyway, it has been my experience that people who don’t have to raise their kids alone, more often then not, are not very sympathetic (or have realistic expectations ) to the behaviors of a toddler. And would often just brush it off as “well the parent needs to parent better “ or “the kid needs to behave better”.

I remembered when I was 8-9 years old, having to hold a bottle to feed my baby siblings or when they’re older help them with their homework while my mom cooked, cleaned, went to the store etc etc.

Your mom sounds jealous and left out. Remind me which is the toddler throwing the actual tantrum.

Boomers gonna boom, I'm afraid.

In slightly less flippant terms: I see this in the older generations of my family -- the problem is that neither my parents nor my in-laws actually *like* toddlers very much, and most of them have actively gone out of their way to avoid them since their own kids were that age. Which, fair enough, I can't say it's my favourite age either.

However, after not interacting with toddlers at all for the past 30-odd years, these adults in their 60s-70s are suddenly now confronted with little kids whom they *love*, genuinely and sincerely, but don't actually derive very much pleasure from interacting with and don't necessarily have many skills to entertain or spend pleasant time with them. That has to feel pretty weird and disturbing. Add to that the fact that the grandparents are probably grappling with not being the ones in charge any more, and that it may well be upsetting for them when a toddler doesn't (for perfectly developmentally appropriate reasons!) want to interact with them straight away after a few months' absence, and it's quite a bit for them to handle and may be overwhelming.

I try to think about it that way when it's particularly grating on me -- hope it helps a bit!

God if she doesn’t like your toddler daughter then she would definitely dislike my son lol. All the examples you listed is all the things my son does. My son is definitely weird, but not because of his toddler qualities. She is definitely acting like a perfectly healthy toddler.

Idk how to link a sub but try asking science based parenting. I bet they'll have some good stuff for you

It’s her grandchild. She doesn’t get to decide whether or not she ‘likes’ the kid. It’s her blood. She also needs a reminder that toddlers have phenomenal receptive language. So while your daughter is already in a state of overload, she has to be subjected to the indignity of being judged by someone who is supposed to offer comfort. This is so shitty and makes me so sad for your little one.

Have you tried showing her the door?

My mom says the exact same things. I barely interact with her now. Is your mom from this country?

My in laws are the same, my father in law in particular. They haven’t engaged with kids in 30 years, and just seem to have no memory of toddler behavior. He’s already diagnosed my (bog standard) nephew with ADHD and maybe oppositional defiant disorder.

You could try exposing her to books about toddler behavior (How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, etc.). But if she’s anything like my in laws, she won’t really grasp it.

Ugh, sounds like my FIL. He is so critical when my baby or toddler cry. He’s an idiot. Children are not like in the movies.

Sounds like your mother somehow resents your daughter for not liking her… not a surprise because kids pick up really well on adults who aren’t friendly. Sorry you have to deal with this

Louise Bates Ames: Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender.

That's a great book for people that do want to get educated. From my experience many people don't and once they have made their judgement, it's set in stone.

Good luck...

My mother would spend the night every Thursday and watch my toddler on Fridays while I worked. My toddler a major meltdown a few weeks ago, lasted for hours, ended up in the ER because I couldn’t figure out what was going on. She ended up getting diagnosed with an ear infection…so she was in pain which caused the unusual meltdowns. Well, my mom witnessed these meltdowns and insisted that an “ambulance be called to sedate her” per my mom. My husband ensured my mom that the baby was ok, it’s an ear infection. Well, long story short, my mom couldn’t emotionally handle the meltdowns and my husband’s rebuttals and this has in turn caused a huge family rift. My mom has now decided that she hates my husband, she won’t be around him anymore, won’t come to any gatherings if he’s there. All of this because of a meltdown from a toddler who was 21 months old at the time. Even typing this now, I am so confused and in shock at the emotional immaturity of my both my mom and dad and I’m on the verge of going no contact with them both at this point.