Some days when going through the same motions does anyone else think they are here for their SO life vs living the one they want? It's likely more the continual running through the motions of day to day but without passion its hard for me at times not to feel that
Posted May 30, 2023, 3:01 PM UTC
I can relate, I feel more like a roommate, prop or comfort object than a romantic partner these days. I do a pretty sizable share of the chores, but in general I don’t mind that and there’s only a few things that it irritates me that she won’t do. And it’s not like she does nothing.
My therapist helped me figure out that I’m codependent. It makes a lot of sense, and I’m pretty sure that’s why I act the way I do and put up with all this. I’ll bet that’s a common problem for people in DBs
I am definitely codependent and spent too many years in a dead bedroom situation. Divorced now, but I was the main bread winner, did the majority of the household stuff, handled planning, bills, etc., etc.
I think I would have been happy with one or the other - I like helping, was happy to be needed and was happy to do everything I did. I also like the intimate side of a relationship. If there had been more intimacy I may not have eventually got so jaded about our one-sided relationship and if she had helped more I may not have felt as used. But doing all the work and not getting any kind of makes you feel like you're being used after awhile.
Definitely
Renfield?
It’s so weird how angry I get when I feel like I am doing way more than my wife, like I get enraged. I’m tired of cleaning up after everyone
Me too!
I don't think she has done any cleaning, laundry, or cooking in over a decade.
She will say she knows that she needs to help me with the house, but then never does.
I asked her if she could please pick up her side of the master bedroom this weekend, she has tons of glasses, dirty clothes, etc., on her side.
She promised she would, and then when about 7pm hit last night I went and picked up all of the dishes, dirty clothes from her side of the room, she got mad at me saying she was going to do that.
I just gave her the side eye and said "When were you going to do it, because it looks like you are ready to go to sleep"
She deflated and said she was sorry, I just walked off to go do more chores, because if I don't do them the house would be a disaster.
She promised she would, and then when about 7pm hit last night I went and picked up all of the dishes, dirty clothes from her side of the room, she got mad at me saying she was going to do that.
I think this kind of problem goes beyond just not doing chores - it leads to a lack of awareness of what it takes to keep a space clean and hygenic, because the offending party simply never does the work for it.
I used to have this problem with my wife, then I had a kid, and realized the same techniques work on both: I'd simply make them agree to say, put their own dishes in the sink, then if I saw dishes weren't put away, I'll interrupt them and ask them to immediately put the dishes away as they promised, and stand there and visually confirm they've done the agreed task.
Letting them get away with not doing their own chores is rewarding poor behaviour - don't let them get away with it, ever.
If I were to have a conversation with her, and I asked her what does she contribute to the relationship, what do you think her answer would be?
She would admit that she doesn't put in the effort with the house, kids, or our physical relationship that I do, and that she doesn't give me the support that she knows I deserve.
This has actually been the topic of several of our conversations lately, she struggles with Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder, and I have been supportive for years and years. I give her space when she asks for it, I take up the extra slack with the house and kids, it's just that my frustration boils over at times.
The hard part is having no physical intimacy (and I mean non-sexual physical intimacy as well) with her in just a little over 3 years.
I badly want us to see a therapist, but she wants to get her medical issues under control first (she has severe pelvic pain and we think we've finally found a doctor that can help her, but my wife has pushed the appointment out twice now).
I keep telling her that seeing a therapist during all of this would be helpful for both of us, but at the moment it's no dice.
Yeah I always do more and carry all of the mental load. My “day off” yesterday was to clean the entire house plus cook dinner. His time off is usually spent taking it easy. He might do 1 or 2 small chores. It gets on my nerves way worse than it otherwise might when the sex is so infrequent.
Same. I clean the moment I walk in the door after work. Both kids come home from school while I'm home so I have them unload their day on me about their day, do any homework, and then start dinner. After dinner is more cleaning and most days I'm met with "why don't you ever give our son a bath?"
Not so much as a provider, but a maid. 59M depression is depressing. I work 55hrs a week, clean, golf one night a week, do my own laundry. (I let her do her own) she's a bit of a hoarder with clothes and books
Sounds like me
Fun, isn't it! (Sarcastic voice)
Yes. I’m a stay at home mom and sometimes I feel like just the maid, personal assistant and nanny to him.
I felt like that, ATM, butler, maid, driver, handyman, cook, medic, etc, but for many years I don't think she ever saw me as a husband.
I feel the driver part so much.
yes, wife refuses to work.
same here.
Damn why so
When we visited her country she's from indonesia...her family is semi wealthy they have cook, nurse, driver etc etc.....I told her later that we would have none of that in US (she was in college here) and she agreed. I remember one time she told me that the asian man works and she stays home it's stupid.....I want to leave her so bad she hasn't even paid 1 cent towards the mortgate it's disgusting. I semi retired from teaching and then fully retired from military and now because she doesn't want to work i had to pick up a part time job which has me traveling now from time to time and she's complaining because I am now traveling, like I'm on vacation or something.....it's disgusting. I regret getting married. Small edit....her dad passed away left her 2 houses in Indonesia worth around 2 million for both and her mom is renting them out and using the money to survive so basically she knows she's a walking millionaire, never throws it in my face but it's always there.
Yup, some days, well most, I feel like I'm just an ATM to hand out money or pay bills whenever she needs or wants something.
Yes very much so, feels like I am here to kill spiders and pay bills.
Yup, most days I feel like my spouse is the albatross around my neck that I can't escape.
Yep.
Yes very much so. I do all of the cooking, most of the cleaning/picking up and laundry, make sure the bills get paid and take care of all of the yearly stuff like plate tags, taxes, etc and she still acts like she's just overwhelmed all the time.
I can finish cooking, cleaning, helping put the kids to bed and I find myself begging to go down on her only to get rejected. I get what you’re feeling!
I'm not wanted, just expected.
I feel this to my core, and it is soul crushing
He pays the bills but we work together. I do everything in the house. I feel like a maid. If I had enough money and left I’d do better on my own than he would.
Reading these comments are mind blowing to me. As the wife, I do 100 percent of the laundry and cleaning, all things financial, all things scheduling, etc. I also work a part time job (very flexible and easy- I can do it from anywhere as long as I have my work phone). I also handle probably 80 percent of the responsibilities related to our 5 year old.
I am NOT a saint by any means. I bitch and complain when I am overwhelmed by the responsibilities. But damn, I would never expect my husband who works a full time job, leaving before 6 am and typically getting home after 6pm, to do any cleaning or laundry after work.
He helps me a lot with cooking because I’m not a great cook, but I handle the groceries as well.
I don’t get the women who stay home and don’t have the house clean, laundry done, etc for the husbands working full time?? NOT
I really don’t expect a maid or a nanny. Really all I expect out of my SAHW is cooking and my kids safe and healthy while I’m at work. I don’t think it’s fair for her to do literally everything. I do roughly half of the chores, all the bedtime routine, and have the kids when I have days off. I feel like it’s unfair for the working spouse to dump all that on the SAH.
I’ve noticed I’ve been frequently downvoted. Which is fine but let me clarify something:
My above experience is my own and my personal feelings. I never expected or indicated anyone should feel the same
I am the Hl partner in my marriage, while mh husband is LL. So I too have a lot of hurt in my life, which is why I am here.
I worked between 55 and 70 hours a week, cooked, cleaned, laundry, shopping, yardwork, car work, paint, helped reorganize stuff, handyman stuff, helped with the kid, etc, wife was stay at home by choice ( masters degree in psychology) did not cook, did not clean, was glued to the TV, slept a lot, but was very good at letting me know when something was not up her standards, and how dare I to complain about anything!.
I realized I was taken for a chump.
I don’t make money, but when he’s home he doesn’t even have to think if he doesn’t feel like it, let alone worry about any housework. I dote on him, and have my glorious free time while he’s at work. It’s not a dynamic for everyone, but it works for us. We have an agreement that home responsibilities will be divided equally when we start our family, though.
I still often worry about him feeling like OP does.
Yes, I felt exactly like this. It was a trauma response of mine to revolve my life around hers. I broke up with her last month and am doing so much better. I couldn't grow anymore in the relationship, and it feels so good to grow now, when I get to make all of my own decisions without that pressure.
I mean the LL can feel like this too. I work 50-60 hour weeks, do roughly half the housework and always have the bedtime routine and the kids on the weekends so she can relax. I did have sex with her as much as I was capable but I felt like a money and sex machine so now I’m taking a break. But yeah I think I give her the lifestyle she wanted and meanwhile my kids say they don’t like me because they don’t see me enough.
18 years and I feel like an unappreciated roomate. Red flags I ignored... dead bedroom starting wedding night.... She changed her mind on kids. Decided she wanted 2. I agreed because I thought it would improve the bedroom. Nope.... Even during a doctors visit she angrily burst out to the Doc "Tell my husband we don't have to do it everyday". I was caught completely off guard.. I would have paid $$$ for the doc to tell her that I was right... 😂 Bedroom still didn't improve even after the doctor suggesting the more attempts on an irregular schedule might help improve chances.... I've tried so many things, I'm at the stage of trying to decide what I need to be happy. After 2 kids bedroom completely died. Not even duty sex. She insinuated it was health concern if she were to get pregnant. Stupidly, I thought a vasectomy would improve the bedroom. Again nope...... Can I continue to ignore my needs and find a way to be happy? I really don't want to be a angry, resentful, old man
Yes! I pay all the bills, do most of the housework and yard work, and work a full time job. Feel like I’m running a charity sometimes.
I feel you on this.