Source
r/dementia•
JenInWonderland77

My Dad is gone

Well after his last stroke and kidney’s were failing. We called in hospice he spent a week in my house then was moved to the intensive suits where hospice took over 24 hour nursing he passed on Friday. I have no idea how I managed to care for him the past two years, kept him out of long term care with cancer and dementia. He never forgot my name. The last week was hard, he couldn’t swallow I suctioned his mouth but he was at peace. He had a condom catheter witch came in handy and I’d wished I had this years ago. I knew it was coming but I didn’t expect the stroke. I’m so glad he’s no longer suffering and now at peace. This disease is so insidious, I’m grateful he only had the last month of his life bed bound. I’m greatful for the few moments of lucidity when he would snap out of it and say I’m sorry , I love you. I may eventually share everything but I’m sure you all know the horror stories you keep to yourself.

I don’t know what I will do now. I don’t have to lock down the house, I don’t have to sleep in the living room to make sure he won’t wake and wander, I don’t have to watch the endless pacing or be shadowed all day, no more dirty briefs , showers ,accidents. No more endless laundry, cooking. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and now it’s over.

I’m now an adult orphan, though I felt I was his parent. It’s heartbreaking, funny at times and one hell of a ride. I fulfilled my promise to not put him in a nursing home, one I didn’t know if I would be able to keep. He lived 81 years and 9months

Posted Aug 27, 2023, 10:22 PM UTC

116
MyCakeAndEatingItToo•

I am so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself during this difficult transition. Hugs from an Internet stranger.

1
samsmiles456•

I’m sorry for your loss. Dementia is the worst. You were kind to be there so much for him, now be kind to yourself. Do something or go somewhere you’ve always wanted. Hang in there.

1
MyriTheFirst•

I’m sorry for your loss, and as someone said previously, this transition, and all of its often contradicting accompanying feelings, is also difficult, so remember to give yourself the love and grace you deserve as you work through it all. My sincere sympathies to you.

1
1517girl•

My condolences to you. What a blessing you were to him.

1
thewaybaseballgo•

I am so sorry. Tomorrow will be one month since I lost my father in law to vascular dementia, caused by a major stroke. Dementia is so terrible, because we’re forced to mourn someone twice. Once when they are not the person they were, and another for when they leave this plane.

1
durgageist•

there is nothing to compare with the teachings we get from taking care of parents at the end. the way you did it was an honoring of who you are and who he was. these days will be with you for a long time. wishing you many days of rest for the transition.

1
Nought_may_endure•

Biggest of hugs to you x

1
ThatWeirdGhost•

What a lucky man, being so loved and so well taken care of. He must have felt so safe with you during his last weeks. 💜

1
Beachwalker8•

He was so fortunate to have you. You really did well. Rest in the peace of that! And do something kind for yourself or even fun!💕🤗

1
Lampshadevictory•

You felt like his parent - I think we can all relate to that. There's a certain wide-eyed innocence in my dad that breaks my heart. And now you need to grieve for the child and the man.

As carers, we are exceptional people. Much love to you, and I hope the emptiness you feel now is filled with joy in the future.

1
JustUgh2323•

Hugs. I lost my mom in similar situation at the end of April. We just interred her cremains about 2 weeks ago. I still feel an awful void in my life, so the others who recommend grieving at your own pace and perhaps counseling are correct. Not everyone will understand, but everyone on this subreddit understands perfectly.

1
VelvetLeaves•

I'm so sorry 💔 Sending hugs to you.

1
logicallyblunt•

So sorry for your loss, you have done for him the greatest act of love and kindness by taking care of him during his final years and you’ll forever have an angel watching over you

1
Away_Ad_7601•

So sorry for your loss. He was so lucky to have you. Enjoy your well earned down time. Stay strong friend

1
tuckfrumppuckfence•

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're a hero.

1
bakalao2000•

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

1
MaryBitchards•

You did well and were a good daughter. Take care.

1
14KaratPlinkoChip•

Sorry for your loss. What an honor and how kind and caring of you to go through all of that and help. I went through this with my mom and once it has ended, it’s (several weeks out here) such a cluster of I don’t know what to do since all I was used to was HER. :(

1
Provember•

My condolences on your Dad's passing. Wishing you peace as you sort through the complicated emotions of grief and relief and where do I go from here, etc., Time is kind in its healing; as it progresses, it tends to let us recall more of the good moments and memories than the not so good ones and I hope this is the case for you. I found a lot of encouragement in your words as I have similar hopes of keeping my mom home as long as I possibly can but there are many days/times when I wonder I will be able to make it. Thank you for taking the time to write them even though you must be exhausted. May you both find peace and rest going forward.

1