Have you ever kept it a secret from your SO?
Hey asktransgender! I just read this and I was just wondering what ye thought of it. Is this something you've ever done or could condone doing?
Posted Jan 12, 2013, 1:43 PM UTC
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an MRA throwing out bait so he can quotemine stories about horrible trans people who don't 'disclose' and 'surprise rape' poor cis men . Disregard.
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Eh, what?
Edit: -checks history- Ah! r/AgainstMensRights, nevermind.
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[deleted]
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When to let that particular information be known is a complicated issue. There's no definitive answer.
You tell too early and you may end up with everyone knowing, and you may get some very bad reactions. Tell too late and you end up betraying people's trust.
Trans people just have to try and judge it, and go for the time that feels right. Sometimes they get so worried and tongue tied, or they convince themselves that it won't be an issue so much (the "love conquers all" hypothesis) that they leave it far too late. As has happened in this case.
I don't condone what she's done, but I understand how it happened. I've sometimes left it a bit late myself. Nothing that extreme, but still.
It sounds like a horrible thing to try and balance.
Yeah, it's not easy, and no matter what you do, you're always going to end up offending someone.
People can vary from, "Tell whenever you're comfortable," to, "You should be wearing a placard." In general they tend to lean towards the 'placard' side. So it's about finding a balance that offends as few people as you can while keeping yourself safe.
The only trans-person I was ever with was in a trans-friendly environment, so I knew in advance. Also I'm bi so it wouldn't be such a huge thing to make an unexpected discovery. I could see how it might be different for a het person though.
I just noticed the thread and I thought I'd ask.
Well, as you asked nicely =).
And just as an addendum, what you mentioned there is a major part of the confusion I think. Lots of trans women end up thinking that all heterosexual men are into trans women because almost all the men that are interested identify as straight. And I think when girls first get into this community they don't know what guys are going to be attracted to them, so when it's straight guys, there's the assumption that it must be all straight guys.
Why? She's under no more ethical obligation to disclose what she has in her pants as he does what is in his. Just because her bits may be the less conventional model doesn't require any special circumstances.
Because some men may well not want to have a sexual relationship with a trans woman dependant on what genitals she has. It may not be fair, but that is the way it is.
It's about empathy for the other person, and it's about sharing and trust in a sexual/romantic relationship.
And I agree that she has no more ethical obligation than him, but he has ethical obligation too. If what is in his pants isn't what she expects to find there he should tell her.
By way of an example...
For me, there is a limit to how small a penis can be. At a certain point, it's just not going to work for me sexually. This isn't fair on men who, by no fault of their own, have small penises, but that is how it is.
Now I might be able to get over that if I got into a romantic relationship and got really attracted to someone, but I'd prefer just not getting into that relationship in the first place and finding someone more compatible for me.
Now I will admit that a lot of times men won't tell you this before had, but they should, and I wish they all would.
As a rather well known Middle-Eastern philosopher once said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." =)