Source
r/relationship_advice•
lunchvic

Guy (31M) I (31F) briefly dated wants to talk about our relationship. I can’t tell if I’m being cold.

I dated this guy for about a month this past spring. We met in a class and hung out a handful of times doing schoolwork together, going on walks with our dogs, and going out to eat. We kissed maybe three times.

I was looking to take things slowly and see if feelings developed, but I could tell he wanted more time and emotional intimacy than I felt ready for. I told him I probably only had bandwidth to see him once a week, and he immediately asked if we could work on school stuff together so he could see me more often. I told him I wanted to take things slow emotionally, and he told me he really liked holding hands, which wasn’t something I wanted yet.

I felt guilty for not being able to match him. He was always the one to text first, to ask to hang out, to ask if he could kiss me. I just wasn’t that into him yet.

Then finals came and other parts of my life got busier. I told him I didn’t have time to see him. He gave me space. When things calmed down again, I still didn’t reach out.

I feel bad I wasn’t more upfront with him about where I was at, but I also think that dating someone for a month means there’s no commitment, and sometimes the timing is bad or things just fizzle.

I ran into him recently, and he offered to carpool with me to an event we’re both attending soon. Then he texted a few days later saying he wanted to clear the air on our relationship before committing to that.

I explained that I had gotten busy with life and that it felt like we were on different pages in terms of what we were looking for. He told me he felt bad about the fact that he’d been putting in more effort than I was, and that it felt bad when I fell off the map.

I want to be empathetic, but this also feels very intense to be having these conversations after a month of casual dating. Am I a cold person, or does this feel like a lot?

I’d like to be friendly with him, but this level of intensity makes me feel like maybe it’s not a good idea to try to be friends.

Posted Nov 27, 2023, 4:26 AM UTC

17
MossValley•

I dont really see where there is intensity. You're 31, it's pretty normal when dating to want to see the person more often and kiss, etc. Maybe you just were not that into him. That's OK. It would have been better to be more clear instead of just not talking to him... but hey that is pretty common in dating.

I dont think it's thar big of a deal. But if this happens often for you I would look into avoidant attachment.

5
love2rp4•

You are both 31. At this point you should be able to tell a guy you dated a few times months ago you aren’t interested. The only reason he keeps asking is you haven’t closed the door on the relationship or potential relationship.

4
Nasjere•

You dated him a month, you owe him nothing.

2
jupiterisagirl•

Him stating that it felt shitty having you just flake and not say you weren’t interested when you should have is a justified emotion for him to experience, because that was shitty. You’re not cold, you weren’t into it, next time be more up front about that. Clear language.

2
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1
savleighhh•

No you’re not a cold person. He seems to have created a more meaningful relationship with you in his head then what really happened. I’d ask him to stop contacting and stay away from him. The fact that he can’t let it go even though it was only a month is a little strange and you just never know nowadays if someone’s unhinged. But you’re not cold, you’re response seems to be respectful and trying to put down boundaries but he just doesn’t want to let it go

1
New_Statement7746•

He is trying too hard to make something happen with you. Since you have already decided that you don’t want to pursue a relationship with him, you have no further obligation whatsoever. If you need to block him to stop him from contacting you, you should do it

1