[3103] WIP - Lbol (Not settled on a real title)

Hello everyone - I am trying my hand at creative writing, and this is an early serious attempt. Genre: sports/sci-fi. I have rewritten this opening chapter a couple times to clean it up, and I have hit a point where I am hoping others could point out some areas I can look to improve upon. (I need to come out of this for a bit, or I won't make progress in subsequent sections / anything else.) Really I am just looking to find my voice and make the effort as good as it can be, so I don't have a specific type of thing I am looking for - I'm a blank slate right now.

If it goes as outlined and expected, the whole story would probably end up about 80-85k.

I know this is a little long at 3.1k words, so if the Mods would like some more from me first, no worries!

Here is my work:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v3UBIX9NK33V621vPZ8mF2ffQQ2AWjJBJ1b4q8Obd6A/edit?usp=sharing

And my completed critiques:

[1046], [3622], [1180], [1399], [2350]