Source
StinzorgaKingOfBees•

I like open-ended poetry, you can take from it whatever you see in it. This reminds me of Odysseus' journey through seas and hardships and hell.

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RO_MrGrumbles•

I definitely like it. Not sure what it means, but in my book that's a good thing.

Your imagery is quite strong; I could really envision where I was and what was happening.

One thing to think about is that the last stanza doesn't seem to be in the same place as the other stanzas. It has strong imagery, but it isn't consistent with the rest of the piece.

But if that's intentional, more power to you.

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downtownseoulOP•

i started with the last stanza and came across a theme in the others as i wrote them that was in a different place. it definitely does stick out a bit and i'm not sure if i want to insert another stanza or two to help it transition more smoothly. do you think it would benefit from that?

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RO_MrGrumbles•

Maybe one more stanza would help the transition. I wouldn't do more than that unless you really discover more to say

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carterza•

I like it - very dark. Makes me think of undead / zombies. I especially like the last stanza... Kind of enforces the notion that whatever subject the poem is referring to, they have no emotion / feeling / say nothing they just walk around on burning floors in empty rooms. Pretty cool image.

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jealous1stillnv•

The beauty was in its simplicity ya know great but i am not sure what you want to say

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downtownseoulOP•

i tried not to write it about specific things because i prefer it to be ambiguous, to suggest several things but not commit to one interpretation and exclude another.

but one of the things i was thinking about was the amount of poetry on this subreddit (and in general, of course) that features a speaker explicitly telling us how dark/corrupted/crazy they are. personally i find these speakers/characters/personas a bit tedious. you start faceless and you end saying nothing. a bit rude and maybe uncharitable but that's one of the things i was thinking when i wrote the poem.

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RobinGayle•

Sinister and sensuous at the same time. Like revisiting some of my darker days in fear of impending heartbreak.

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inchiki•

This is good. "think of moving / in uneven halves" - what's this a reference to?

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downtownseoulOP•

Thanks! it's not a conscious reference to anything; uneven halves and grim strata were just the two starting images i had. it could easily have come from an external source that i don't recall though :)

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inchiki•

This is good. "think of moving / in uneven halves" - what's this a reference to?

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Samus-the-Witch-King•

I want to read more of this. Like three or four more stanzas, even. Could use punctuation, but you've an excellent style.

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