Source
r/OCPoetry•
BLACK_gRAPE

Passing moments, and the joy of recurrence.

Feedback Received!

[Insomnia Is For the Weak] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/44npc6/insomnia_is_for_the_weak/czroftj)

[MRA is A-OK] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/44miy8/mras_r_aok/czrol1s)

You’ll find me destitute,

acting a prostitute,

seeing the best in most.

Lay down beside of me,

leave me to die and be,

accompanied by a ghost.

Wont you fulfil me,

I’ll never be lazy,

take my soul away.

Turning out crazy,

cum on me baby,

We will be ok.

I,

Tried,

Could not find your son.

Never,

Cried,

But then I lost someone

I,

know,

We always die alone

Forever,

Loosing,

What has been and done.

Illuminate everything,

shine and make objects sing,

bringing this all to life.

Dancing right through to me,

your all around to see,

but not without a fight.

You will be blocked,

but you will reflect,

right back into my eyes.

Refract separate,

my pupils dilate,

i am over joyed.

I'll stay awake

I'll stay awake

I'll stay awake

Posted Feb 8, 2016, 1:33 AM UTC · edited

45
Depression_Addict•

Fantastic! Keep writing!

2
chrsevs•

You've done a tremendous job packaging sentiment into the sections surrounding the in-line text.

2
BLACK_gRAPEOP•

Cheers, nice to know you get it.

1
BLACK_gRAPEOP•

Passing moments, duality and the joy of recurrence.

1
gwrgwir•

Punctuation and rhyme scheme are inconsistent throughout, and the enjambment's generally odd (especially in the first half). There's basic spelling errors and the grammar is often odd as well.

There's a lot of different concepts here, but they're not really explored, and that throws the reading off. There's occasionally descriptive language, but little in the way of metaphor or simile. Sentiment is present, albeit disjointed.

Overall not brilliant work, to my mind - I think rewriting with focus on exploring 1-2 concepts instead of nearly listing much more would be helpful.

1