[Update] Nmom blocked me on facebook, I think this is finally over

Some of you might remember my previous posts. I'm pretty sure this will be the last one in the series.

A little background info: My brother died in a car accident, Nmom went nuts and hijacked the funeral and everything, made absurd facebook posts, stole a bunch of crap, lied to a bunch of people, ignored me almost completely for the first month, rewrote my brother's life and keeps portraying him as a totally different person than he actually was, screwed the family out of the insurance money, did a bunch of other ridiculous things, and I finally lost my temper a little bit and told her to start respecting my brother's memory.

She didn't respond to my message for nearly a week. In a fit of grief, I sent her a message that read "I will never understand why you hate me so much". Her response was to unfriend and block me.

Due to some financial trouble, my phone is currently shut off. So there is literally no way for us to contact each other now, and she knows that. Which is kind of a relief, honestly, but at the same time it's incredibly painful. I know she isn't capable of loving me. I know she isn't capable of caring about me. I know that she just is not able to put anybody's thoughts or feelings or needs ahead of her own. But to completely abandon me, again, during what is undeniably the most difficult time of my life, when I need her love and affection more than I have ever needed it? How can she think that I would ever be able to reconcile with her after this? There is absolutely no way that I will ever see her again or speak to her again, not even on her deathbed, not even if she begs me.

I will never understand why you hate me so much.

How could she not realize that by doing this, those would be the last words she would ever receive from me? How can any mother read those words from her only surviving child and then react by withdrawing completely? How can she know the pain I am suffering and just abandon me instead of drawing me closer? I can't comprehend it. I'll go crazy (crazier) if I try. But I know one thing - those words are going to haunt her. Not right away probably, but in 5 years or 10 years or 20, when she's chased away every person who ever cared about her, and she's old and decrepit, her life will be full of regrets.

In the meantime, I'm still suffering. Now that we're finally NC, it is not the victory I wanted it to be. Instead of leaving my abusive mother behind, it's become more like accepting her abandonment. But the end result is the same. I am not really okay with it. It's something necessary, something that needed to happen, and all of my friends and even my "rent-a-mom" (my best friend's mother) tell me to cut her out of my life and that my mother is no good for me. But still, it's not what I really want. What I really want is my mother's love, approval, and affection, but those things are unrealistic and unattainable. I am grieving not only the loss of my brother, but also the loss of the mother I never had. sigh.

Still, it's a step in the right direction towards a life free of narcissism and abuse, and that has to be a good thing. Thanks for all the advice and solidarity you have all given me.