Source
r/AskMen•
TheMetaLink

When did you decide that you were good enough to start dating?

I keep moving the goalpost for dating every time I reach one. At this point in time I am:

  • 22 years old
  • Studying electrical engineering (graduate at 25)
  • Living at parent's home
  • Employed with a moderate pay rate.
  • Own my car
  • Fairly fit

However, I feel like I don't bring enough to the table. The heart of my question is this. Should I start dating again now, or wait until I have a place of my own with a job in my field?

EDIT: My current takeaway is that I need to stop using material things as barriers and work on my lack of confidence. Thank you for the advise.

Posted Apr 4, 2016, 8:33 PM UTC · edited

1430
TuosmaMale•

I think the concept of "am I good enough for dating?" is just an insecure excuse to avoid putting yourself out there.

27
[deleted]•

I don't agree.

If you are human garbage the only people you can attract is other human garbage. So why even bother?

3†
pwnagelad•

Thats an extreme. OP seems like a decent guy with some shit going for him, not human garbage.

1
holybad•

the comment he was responding to was an extreme as well though.

2
PvtTimHallMale•

It definitely is used as an excuse quite frequently, but there are also times when it's a valid thought. A few years ago I had a bunch of shit in my life I needed to get together, so I put off dating -- I'm putting myself out there now, but I'm glad I didn't before. I wouldn't have been ready.

1
RampagingKoalaMale•

It's not about what you bring to the table. You could be a multimillionaire supermodel with two mansions but if you aren't a fun person or neat guy then no one is going to want you. There's a sentiment here that dating for guys is only about what things you can offer women, not who you are, and I feel like that approach misses the mark a bit.

13
rbz90♂•

You could be a multimillionaire supermodel with two mansions but if you aren't a fun person or neat guy then no one is going to want you.

I understand the point you're trying to make but that's a bad example. There's PLENTY of rich bores who get laid a lot. You gotta be either charming, hot or super rich/famous. If you got 2/3 you'll be fine.

10
RampagingKoalaMale•

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/4dczh3/when_did_you_decide_that_you_were_good_enough_to/d1pwipg

2
rbz90♂•

I think you posted that after me. Also TL;DR

-2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
RampagingKoalaMale•

No, I disagree about this as well, at least in how it pertains to modern dating. Here's why:

Let's say I'm a woman. My name is u/runningblack. I have a job and I consider myself to be pretty put together. I go to the gym four times a week and I put a decent amount of work into my appearance. I don't want to date someone who doesn't have similar goals and drive as me. I want someone to be as put together as I am, because I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm not going to take care of this person. I want a partner, not a dependant.

Now let's say that guys are hitting on me, because I'm a strong, beautiful woman. I don't really care if they have a nice job or what they can offer me, because I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself because I'm an adult. When they drop how much they make or what kind of car they drive or whatever, that's just an immature way of saying "hey baby I make a lot of money". That's a turnoff for me because what I'm really looking for is independence, not arrogance. If I date this guy, it will probably be in spite of his good job, not because of it, because he seems like a chore.

The guy I'd probably go for (as u/runningblack of course) is the one who is just fun and neat who happens to have a job and ambition. I want to date him because he's as put together as I am and he shares a similar worldview and outlook. The job and the status are secondary, they're means to an end. I am mostly dating him because he's fun and neat. I could care less about the job.

People who think that women only care about status and money are missing the point of why that stuff is important. It's important because it shows that you've got your life together, that you're a person who's mature enough to have attained that kind of position that is attained through the judgment of society. If you're a whiny manchild, it's very unlikely that you're going to get a good job and a high-paying salary. It shows that you have goals that you want to achieve, and you're very good at taking steps to achieve them. If women are attracted to a guy like this, it isn't because he's rich or he's got status, it's because he's proven himself to be someone who's mature, motivated, driven, and successful. Like-minded women are probably going to be attracted to that kind of person because that's what they want: they want success, and they want to be with someone who shares their mindset. There are obviously some women who want to be with him because he is successful, but I would call that an exception rather than the rule. In general though, a person's job is probably going to reflect their position in life, and the steps they are taking to progress in their professional life will act as a kind of reference on their personal one. Women (and men for that matter) will see this and form opinions on it.

6
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
RampagingKoalaMale•

No, again you're conflating money with motivation and drive.

For example, my friend is a respected journalist. He's really good at his job, and he's rapidly moving up in his field. He's never going to make more money than his gf who works in tech. He probably won't even keep pace. But he has goals and is taking steps to achieve them. That's the important thing. She doesn't care that he's not making as much as he is, but the fact that he's doing something he is passionate about and loves is the important thing.

2
NoMistaeks•

There are guys out there bringing less to the table than you who still have girlfriends. I'd say that's pretty much all you need to consider when you're thinking about whether you are "good enough" to date.

10
CoidzorMale•

I decided I was good for dating as soon as I met a girl I wanted to get to know better at the age of 13.

Should I start dating again now, or wait until I have a place of my own with a job in my field?

Honestly? I think you might need to talk to a therapist or counselor about your fear of dating or whatever it is that makes you keep putting it off.

5
gotthelowdown•

However, I feel like I don't bring enough to the table. The heart of my question is this. Should I start dating again now, or wait until I have a place of my own with a job in my field?

I had exactly your mindset in the past. I called it having a "resume" approach to dating. Like you're accumulating the right qualifications to be considered attractive.

The good news is you don't necessarily have to have "made it" for girls to like you. If you show ambition and believe in yourself and are moving forward toward your goals, a girl can be just as attracted to your potential as to results.

Were you a good student in school? I find academic people can sometimes mistakenly carry over what worked in in that environment to relationships, where it's not the same.

Girls aren't necessarily evaluating you according to a checklist like you're a job candidate (unless they're in full husband-hunting mode). Girls actually find "perfect" guys to be boring. I've made the mistake in the past of acting like I was auditioning to be a good husband, when the girl just wanted a fun boyfriend.

You're judged more on how you make them feel: laughter, excitement, mental stimulation, maybe a dash of danger and adventure. Your social skills count for a lot.

4
DreadfulRauw♂ Sexy Teddy Ruxpin•

Start dating when you're comfortable. It's not like you have to turn in enough "adult" points to go out and date. Do what you like.

3
stripes_by_proxy•

I was pretty much human garbage when I started dating so you're probably just making excuses.

3
ThePewterPeenorWillSuckCockForWhiskey•

I never did. If my gf breaks up with me I acknowledge that I'm fucked in the dating world.

3
alittlelessconvo•

Only way to really know: Just put yourself out there.

And from what I'm seeing from what you have, OP, you have something that's very underrated in the dating world: you have a plan for your life.

You're studying, saving up money to leave your parents' place, you're on the up and up if you don't mess things up for yourself. You have a goal for yourself, and if you're passionate about reaching that goal, that in itself can be very attractive to a potential mate.

Life's too short to worry about getting things right for you to date. And besides, all you need is one person to make coming out of your shell worth it.

3
VentureIndustriesMale•

For a few different and very important reasons, I voluntarily removed myself from the dating market between the ages of 18-23. I used that time to focus on school, extracurriculars, and work. Basically to forge myself into becoming the kind of man I wanted to be. This led to finding my degree program I was most interested in, taking on leadership roles focused on community service, and working as many relevant jobs I could in my field before I graduated.

These experiences changed me. I became extremely confident in myself without coming off as overly cocky (I still remembered my humble beginnings). With that, I became far more successful socially, and I gained a reputation for being the kind of guy that others could depend on and loved having around.

When it comes to women, that's when I started noticing their attention towards me, and I've never looked back.

3
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2
TheFirstUranium•

You don't have to bring anything to the table. Now you should and should want to, but you don't have to. Literally the only thing that matters is personal attraction. Not money, career, attractiveness, personality, humor, or league.

2
Juz16•

I've dated girls before but I still think I suck ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
LEIFey•

I was 16. Studying high school stuff. Living at my parents' home. Employed at a minimum pay rate. Didn't own a car. Fairly fit.

Having your own place and being secure in your job are nice perks, but they're not requirements to date.

1
standardalias♂ if you have to ask if it's weird, you already know the answer•

I was probably 15 when i decided i was "good enough to date". Whatever that means. You're 22, why wouldn't you want to be dating now?

1
kumesanaMale•

I never thought I was good enough but I estimated that should be girls' decisions.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
[deleted]•

I was 16. It's just dating, not marriage. It's stupid to think you have to reach some imaginary brass ring just to date.

1
10art1•

Back when I was in high school and I still thought dating was a good idea.

I guess it's different for everyone. Some people really like dating, and I respect that. For me, it's better to have friends who you occasionally fuck.

1