Dave's Log: The story of the lowest ranking Babylonian on the submarine(PART 1: The Start of the Mess, 4000-3600 BC)
I hate cleaning. I mean, what kind of person leaves all of their Orange Chicken on the ground? And, how do you manage to flood most of the movie theater with Buccaneer Rum(I used my mouth to clean up that one)? Anyways, I was sweeping the floor near the bridge of the ship...and I see Almighty Lord TPang
I got in a position where I can "spy" on him, and watched. He pointed around the map, and I can see his First Senior Officer say to the Steward of The Ship, "Well, Morocco's f*cked" Suddenly, a whole crowd of officers rush in, and start chanting. "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, RUM!" and glasses of Buccaneer Rum fall out of the roof. Almighty Lord TPang takes a deep sip, and then casually looking behind him, he flips a switch with his pinkie finger.
Suddenly, thousands of rapists, world leaders, donkeys/asses/assholes, and tents fly out in their Tiny Babyl Rockets^TM and fall to the ground. The best part about Tiny Babyl Rockets^TM ? They clean up after themselves. They explode when they hit the ground.
The Almighty Lord and his Officers pull out a flatscreen TV. For the next few hours, they watch Futurama. Then, one of officers is bored, and says, "I'm bored, and you should feel bored!". He yells it a the Almighty Lord. The Almighty Lord closes his eyes, and without looking, the Battle Royale Mk. II plays on the screen.]
The Ayyyyyyylubids have made two whole settlements, as I discover, five minutes into the film. They must have great women, and ton of balls. England also wants to be cool(like me, I assume) and gets inspired by the ever glorious Almighty Lord. They build cute, little baby boats for their warriors to cross their baby channel, and ship some settlers across to settle the town of York in 3910 BC.
The Sri Lanka's are scared, and make up Lankaprotec, a God designed to motivate their warriors. I'm sure some Korean Food, a few bribes, and The Almighty Lord would be able to squash Lankaprotc like a nuke falling on a barbarian.
Inspired by Sri Lanka's great pleas for protection, The Unmighty Weakling of Scouts(David) decides to turn away from his God and worship the dry, dry desert in the year 3909 BC.
Texmex is great as food, but not as border conflict. In the year 3790 BC, Mexico decides that the only real Mexican food comes from Mexico, and increases it borders, trying to keep those cowboys from stealing their salsa as well. I love Mexican food, and I'm a janitor, so it's affordable.
David, the Unimpressive Leader of the Scouts, decides that although he may not have an army, he can at least turn back to the one God and declare himself the leader of the Jews. Kind of reminds me of my position, sweeping up floors, never moving up a rank, but at least being able to eat Tex-mex, Korean BBQ, and Buccaneer Rum.
Yakakakakutia(I think that's how it is spelled) decides that being caught deer in the headlights isn't so bad when you don't have any form of travel other than walking. They love their deer, and pray to them three times a day.
The ever inpatient Adolf Hitler hates David for having a God, so he decides to expand with three cities. This brutal expansiveness may come at a cost, as settlers can be expensive. Ethiopia settles three cities as well, making their UA effectively useless. Kind of reminds me of myself, because The Almighty Lord could have replaced me with drones but instead kept me alive and paid me.
Signing off, Dave
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Posted Apr 15, 2016, 1:28 AM UTC · edited