After reading this again I don't really like it. I think it works best if I just get rid of the additional stuff

I tried to write a couple more stanzas to give it some more context, but I think I decided that I kind of like how vague and simple it is. Here's the poem with what I added on. I'd love to know what you think! (I wanted to group every four lines, but I don't know how to format that so I made every other stanza bold.)

I need a date for a funeral

We'll wear black to say goodbye

I need a date for a funeral

To watch his loved ones cry

**I need a date for a funeral**

**I won't survive alone**

**I need a date for a funeral**

**I may not ever come home**

His jaw will be cold and pale

I remember how he'd speak

I'll look and feel so frail

My heart won't even creak

**I loved him once, long ago**

**Dedicated as could be**

**But he was far and wished to go**

**He took a part of me**

So I'll need a date for his funeral

To bury him again

I'll need a date for his funeral

To say "goodbye, my friend"

I liked this more than I would have thought.

To me, this works the same way that a folk song works, it uses repetition and very straightforward language to build a strong sense of earnestness. I really believe the narrator has this combination of distress, anticipation and solitude in the face of the coming funeral.

I think my main problem is that though I understand the narrator in broad strokes, there is not much vividness or detail in what she's saying. We are not privy to who died or his relation to the narrator or even why the narrator feels the need to have a date. (Though it also occurs to me that "date" can be read in terms of time in this context which in conjunct with the last few lines suggests a possible suicidal reading.) The poem could use a good deal of specificity. The few details we get (the funeral attendees will wear black, the funeral is for a male who has some loved ones) are very general. The poem would benefit by being more concrete, more specific and more imag

wow, very raw and emotional. i love the repetition of the main line. this poem screams the confusion of emotions in regards to funerals and death. with so much grief, one is lost and may never return home.

great work. i hope to read more if you ever post in the future.

I really liked the structure of this. I agree with the other comment, has a great set up for folk or Americana lyrics. Very well done.

I enjoyed the simplicity of this poem, very direct and to the point in order to convey emotion. Good job!

I think I was kind of going for "this is a weird, sad situation, I don't know how to feel so I'm not gonna take it too seriously"

>I'm not big into poetry or anything  

it's cool. no one is.

anywho this poem made me laugh. is that intentional? just the the frank treatment of the subject, and then the >to watch his loved ones cry.

i'm not so sure about the last rhyme (alone, home). you're going for melodrama? not feeling it. what feelings are you trying to invoke, and is this singy songy rhythm the best way to do it? (if funny yes, else no, imho)

I like the line to watch his loved ones cry. It implies a disconnect as well as the wonder of the authors connection to the events.

Formatting should be adjusted. I read the first 2 lines as part of the poem. :D

I'm not big into poetry or anything, but I just had an experience that made me want to write something. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know how to edit what I've written, so I'd really appreciate any feedback.

I need a date for a funeral

We'll wear black to say goodbye

I need a date for a funeral

To watch his loved ones cry

I need a date for a funeral

I won't survive alone

I need a date for a funeral

I may not ever come home


https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4sn8gl/imagination/d5bixq4
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4sj9g6/oh_my_wife/d5bjdh6

Date for a funeral