Source
r/OCPoetry•
Gabatrong

Two Weeks Home

Feedback Received!

I taste blood in my throat

and fear on my tongue

and I can’t remember when

I last showered.

The well-dressed plaid man’s

gaze stains my acid brain

and he moves no farther. I am

drowning in the air I breathe

because,

here,

only the red light glows, unwavering.

Sparks of madness ignite the

carbon air I exhale

and I am aware,

painfully,

irreversibly aware

of everything outside of myself.

Born from this sleepy womb of

non-thought.

Ripping and splicing

the placenta of my

circumstance.

Invisible faces stare at me

and my ripe red soul

rips and chars over the grill

at the Labor Day Barbeque

…

1 2

Posted Sep 14, 2016, 5:32 PM UTC

23
pumpkinspicecheerios•

The first half is direct and clear. You turn inward, starting with "Sparks of madness," and are fully inside by "Born from this". The pacing seems right, but I think your word choice in the last third is jarring compared to the generally straightforward first two parts. "Ripping and splicing/the placenta of my/circumstance" in particular is hella dense. "My ripe red soul/rips and chars," pretty brutal for such a tight space.

1
GabatrongOP•

Thanks for your feedback. I was definitely going for a "descent" like feel to it... a spiral of sorts. Thanks for clarifying that the intensity didn't quite to it for you. I'll work on that.

1
AllanfromWales•

Bits of this I really like. "..and I am aware/painfully/irreversibly aware.." is very strong, but there's the problem because what follows doesn't quite live up to tht strength, so I feel disappointed.
Part of my problem, though, is I just don't get the title. It hints at something, but I don't get enough in the rest of the poem to tell me what. It's possible that's a cultural thing, though, because here in the UK we don't have Labor Day, so I don't know the rituals that surround it.

1