Source
r/OCPoetry•
kschultz242

Surely, goodness

Feedback Received!

Teach me.

Where's the wild woolies,

wanderer?

 

I’ll probe, and

I’ll poke; I'll

Prick all my plump fingers.

 

All these rough and rambling places

wear my oozing ruby blood,

‘cause I’m looking to discover

what it is that

I should know.

 

I could ride on the wind with the embers

from your bonfire,

or drink in the depths of your best fishing hole.

But would I reach heaven?

Restore my soul?

 

Would I,

borne up on smoke into turbulent airs,

and swept up in opposing fronts,

be hurled to the ground by the clamor of storm?

For dust I am (to dust they will return me).

 

Or would I sink in the waters toward something insidious,

some pocket of motor oil,

that seeped over years

and poisoned the sanctity of virgin dirt?

 

Just... tell me something, Moe.

Is this the promised land?

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/53qh49/carved/d7w54ft https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/53rr3m/the_storm_to_be_she/d7w3l7y

Posted Sep 25, 2016, 2:35 PM UTC · edited

45
Outpsyde•

I like this. Good use of enjambment. I liked your elemental imagery. It seems like there is a transition where the narrator at the beginning is more naive, where by the end they are question much more than the beginning. That I am curious about. Otherwise, pretty sweet.

2
brenden_norwood•

I really really liked this.

I could ride on the on the wind with the embers of your bonfire,

is a beautiful line.

My feedback would be to make the fourth stanza not rhyme, (soul and hole) just so that it fits in with the rhyme-less scheme of the rest of the poem. I would also elaborate more in the piece of who Moe is. Is he someone that the narrator is attempting to learn from in his quest to understand the world around him? Is he a friend? Is he an enemy? But other than those two things, really great work! Your poem has fantastic imagery :D

2
wooly-bumbaclot•

I get a very lyrical feel from this one, very nicely done. Some of the stanzas remind me of Jim Morrison's words. The imagery is fantastic and natural and the lines flow well (except for the W's in the first stanza but that could just be my strange head). Quite enjoyed though, thank you

1
-the-last-archivist-•

There are a number of beautiful lines here, and you've done a good job with setting up a rhythm and imagery to help your final lines seem appropriate. Brenden pointed out my favorite line already, so I'll give favorable mention to "For dust I am (to dust they will return me). Well done with the lines again.

It does get away from you a bit, though. There are a couple of places where it feels like you're being intentionally verbose for the purpose of being verbose. It distracts a little bit from the message. IN particular, "borne up on smoke into turbulent airs" seems out of place.

Also. alliteration isn't always the answer. I tripped on the second stanza a bit.

1
imash1•

This piece has some great story and nice symbolism, I really enjoy it. But the spacing on line five seems a bit odd having the i'll right after "I’ll poke;", just a personal opinion. Having it at the beginning of the next line could make it flow a bit easier for a reader.

1