Source
r/OCPoetry•
BlackWaffles

C'est La Vie

Feedback Received!
    a glowing ember soldering
    winds bending as silent strokes
    the hands of the hourglass
    underneath the abyss of the dark half of the blue
    where mountains climbed over and under
    in the mosaic pieces looped
    within the vinyl labyrinth
    stuck on the puzzle
    c'est la vie

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Side Note

I am currently running a Kickstarter project for poems that I have written and compiled them into a book. If you like what you have read, do check it out and hopefully I can produce more content.

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Comment 1 | Comment 2

Posted Nov 14, 2016, 9:52 AM UTC

32
brenden_norwood•

This was really good :D

I loved the personification of time, and the way this piece entranced the reader with its gorgeous imagery. C'est la vie, indeed! This did a great job of capturing the feeling of getting lost in the vastness of the universe.

The ember stands out to me, perhaps is it symbolism of impermenance, of how temporary our time is in the big swing of things, only to be snuffed out by a windy fate?

Nothing to critique. Really enjoyed this

1
dirtyLizard•
the hands of the hourglass

underneath the abyss of the dark half of the blue

You use "of" 3 times in 2 lines. Maybe diversify your language a bit.

Similarly, you use "the" frequently which indicates that you are referring to specific things/places. I'm not sure that this works with your poem, especially since it seems like most of your imagery uses metaphors.

the hands of the hourglass

This line is kind of clever but does not add much to the poem other than nonsensical/absurd imagery. That's just my opinion though, other people may really like this line.

within the vinyl labyrinth

Are you talking about a record here?

where mountains climbed over and under
in the mosaic pieces looped

I really like the imagery here.

1