Source
r/beyondthebump•
Susie_M

Help deciding whether to transition to formula from nursing?

TL;DR - I've been having difficulty letting down during feedings due to anxiety and am not sure things will improve, which is making me a nervous wreck. I'm thinking about transitioning to formula but am worried that I will not bond with my baby if I switch, because I work outside the home and DH is the SAHP. Would love thoughts or stories about how others have made the decision to transition to formula from nursing, how you dealt with any tough feelings it raised for you, and how you felt it impacted your relationship with your baby, if at all.

Sorry, I wound up writing you all a novel. =P

My LO is 9 weeks old. We've been nursing from birth fairly successfully, despite some issues with difficulty latching on one side due to a seriously enthusiastic letdown and flattish nipple. Last Thursday, I got really stressed out while trying to latch her onto the tricky side early in the morning, and the stress kept me from letting down. I'm prone to anxiety anyway, so this kicked off a horrible cycle of more anxiety, not being able to let down for additional feedings, more anxiety - you get the picture. I've been a nervous wreck about this for almost a full week now and although I'm now letting down for most feeds again, I've still been missing one to two a day due to not letting down and having to make up the difference with formula or pumped milk.

Nursing is no longer the relaxing bonding experience with LO that it used to be. I can't nurse in my preferred positions anymore because the only way I seem to be letting down right now is if I sit upright and use a nursing pillow. Although I'm managing my anxiety a bit better now, I still dread feeding her and am having a really hard time being present and enjoying my non-feeding time with her and the rest of my family, because I feel so obsessed with this issue. I have no idea how much better all of this will get, and I go back to work in two weeks, on top of everything.

Basically, I'm trying to decide whether to end my suffering and just make the shift to formula. My main hesitations are that I nursed my first baby for a year, so part of me feels like I "owe" LO the same if at all possible and therefore need to stick this out until I've exhausted every possible solution (even though I just don't know if I have the energy to fight tooth and nail to make this work and, in some ways, the idea of formula and the freedom it would offer are sounding more and more appealing). Also, DH has been ever so helpfully reminding me that if I give up on nursing LO, he's worried I'd regret missing out on the bonding experience and that it would negatively impact my closeness with her, especially since I'm the breadwinner and he's the SAHP. Ugh. I just worry that I'll stop just as this is about to improve dramatically, or that I'll stop and then just feel sad and guilty instead of anxious (although I imagine I'd eventually mourn and get over it, because I really do think formula is a fine way to feed a baby).

Any words of wisdom? For those of you who have switched from nursing to formula, how did you know it was time to do that? Also, how do you think it impacted your relationship with your baby?

Posted Nov 16, 2016, 6:26 PM UTC

312
jobie285Boy (4/17/2016)•

Nursing doesn't equal bonding. In fact, our attempts to nurse hurt our bond. (For background: wasn't a supply issue, was related to severe pain while BFing and him not able to get food. Lip and tongue ties, surgery, thrush, SNS, LCs, all the things.)

Once I switched to formula I was better able to actually enjoy my baby. So yes, it impacted our relationship - significantly for the better. I believe breastfeeding at minimum contributed to, but more likely actually tipped me over in to, PPD. Breast wasn't best, not for us.

5
Susie_MOP•

THANK YOU. Every time I talk to someone about this, there's a part of me hoping they'll say exactly what you said about nursing not equaling bonding. I feel like all I hear is that it's an unparalleled way to bond with your child (the implication being that, if I give it up, it means giving up the bond we could have had). Yet here I am, having dreaded interacting with my baby this past week, because of the anxiety it generated. What you said about formula actually improving your relationship makes so much sense. Thanks for sharing.

1
TomRiddles•

Screw anyone that says it's better for bonding. A fed baby is a happy baby. After a month of horrible feeding attempts, triple feeding, and pumping non-stop to keep what little supply I could, I had a full day of formula feeding and was hooked. She was happier and more alert that she had every been, and was actually sleeping at night. I could actually enjoy my child and was no longer crying every time she wouldn't latch, or just wouldn't stop crying when I'd attempt to feed her.

Anyone that tries to tell you you're a failure because you can't BF or are quitting because formula is easier, don't listen to them. You're doing what's best for your LO and yourself, which is all you can do.

formula feeding-STOCK UP. We use enfamil for our daughter, similac made her more constipated (formula babies are constipated more than BF babies!)

3
Susie_MOP•

Those are really good points, and I keep coming back to what you said about actually being able to enjoy your child once you switched to formula. DH keeps worrying about whether it will make me feel less close with LO if I stop nursing, and I keep having to remind him that I am ALREADY not enjoying her the way I want to right now, because I'm so obsessed with this let down issue. Thanks for the validation and the tip about stocking up - it helps more than I can say.

1
silairrek•

I work full time and my hubby is a SAHP too! I switched to formula after 3 weeks of obsessively trying to breastfeed. I had basically zero letdown and was producing about 2 tsp of milk every 30 minutes of pumping. To be honest, I feel even more connected to my son now that we're not breastfeeding. I did feel guilty at first because it's so ingrained that "breast is best", and I was worried about not being as bonded to him. But in my experience, it hasn't changed anything. Hes healthy and happy, and smiles every time he sees me. It helped my hubby in the beginning also, because he got to bond with LO early on. Only you know what's best for you and your LO... trust yourself!

2
Susie_MOP•

Thank you, this is so reassuring!!!!

You're so right about how ingrained the whole "breast is best" mentality is. I've been feeling guilty about realizing that the idea of formula feels like a relief in several ways, and that I'm not "allowed" to consider switching unless I've tried absolutely everything to avoid it first (which just frankly sounds exhausting and completely unappealing). I'm so happy to hear that you still feel really bonded to your son, despite not breastfeeding and being the breadwinner...that's the part that scares me the most, honestly. Were there specific things you did that helped with staying connected, or did it just kind of just happen?

2
silairrek•

Yes! I felt guilty about how relieved I felt about switching to formula, but I got over it pretty quickly when I realized LO didn't care what he was eating lol. As for the bonding I didn't do anything special, he loves to cuddle, so I made sure to make time for cuddles before and after work. I talk to him and make sure I have time with him while he's awake, too.

2
TheHatOnTheCat•

If you want to stop that's all right. However, I feel it's a shame to lose breastfeeding over anxiety when it was going well before if it's something you want for you and baby.

My suggestion would be to have a bottle of formula or pumped milk (even better, keeps your supply up) ready so you can do some no pressure suckling time. Catch baby when they are a little peckish but not hungry enough to be distressed. Cuddle up to her, put her on your nipple, encourage sucking, gently stroke her, stare at her face, and talk to her. Loving positive thoughts. Tell her what you like about her, your hopes for her future, things you look forward to doing together, ect. Just use the suckling as a bonding/soothing experience like super cuddly pacifier time. Try to relax knowing if baby doesn't get enough or any you have a bottle ready. But spend quality time, maybe 10 or 20 minutes sucking first (then if no milk move on to bottle). This will hopefully stimulate your breasts and give you the bonding you want without the pressure. (If you can pump separately, you don't even have to stress about your supply going down so zero worries.)

2
Susie_MOP•

Thanks, this is a really good suggestion, and I will give it a try.

I'm adopting a "wait and see" attitude for the time being and am not giving anything up just yet, just experimenting with a few things like the approach you suggested for as long as I can hold out. I want breastfeeding to work out, but I just don't know how much longer I want to stick things out with the anxiety if it doesn't start to dissipate soon. I have a history of anxiety, and it can be really debilitating, so I have to be protective of my mental health, regardless of what I might want. =/

Interestingly enough, I've actually had thoughts about trying to dry nurse LO for comfort (e.g., before bed) if I do end up moving to formula and letting the boobs dry up. Your post reminded me about that, and I wonder if anyone actually does that.

1
TheHatOnTheCat•

I don't know anything about it myself but it was mentioned on an r/parenting thread as being called dry nursing.

My hope is that if you can focus on the comfort angle and know you have a bottle ready, really focus on baby/positive thoughts/bonding you won't be anxious? However, you are right that you need to take care of yourself so do what you need to.

Also, maybe try some of the foods that increase supply? I haven't had to do that but people seem to post good things.

1
SheStillMay•

We stopped at around three weeks. She wasn't happy, I was miserable, it just wasn't working. Formula was like a giant crane that lifted the monster boulder off of my shoulders. I felt free. Other people could take feedings and I could actually have a break. As a bonus, my husband got some great bonding time with her.

It didn't impact our relationship negatively at all, as far as I can tell. She has always been independent and not really a big cuddler/stage 5 clinger, but there is definitely a healthy attachment. You still have to hold the bottle and hold her while she eats, so the bonding time is there.

We are doing great and I really credit formula with saving my sanity and stopping my descent into PPD/PPA.

2
Susie_MOP•

Thank you for sharing your experience. Your boulder metaphor really hit home, because I felt a glimmer of that freedom/relief the first time she took a bottle during one of the feeds where my letdown didn't happen. I'm so glad to hear that there was no negative impact on the bond.

I struggled with PPD/PPA after I had my first baby, so I'm trying to be really careful with myself with this one. That permission to go to formula if I just decide I don't have it in me to continue trying to make breastfeeding work is a huge part of that.

1