Paralyzed by fear.
The meek escape on ravens wings.
Accepting retreat as fate.
The game of death.
Ding, Dong, Ditch.
Illusions as truth.
The weak shall suffer.
In continuous flight.
Feedback https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/66wuj1/comment/dgmdd08
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/66s0nf/comment/dgmemq8
Posted Apr 23, 2017, 3:18 AM UTC · edited
I'm assuming the uppercase letters signify the Line Breaks, so it looks like this.
Paralyzed by fear
The meek escape on ravens wings
Accepting retreat as fate
The game of death Ding, Dong, Ditch
Illusions as truth
The weak shall suffer
In continuous flight
That is correct
okay, well the way to format it to have the linebreaks you want is to put 2 spaces at the end of each line before hitting enter.
Thank you
no prob bob!
Can I still edit? Ding, dong, etc is a separate line...but not overly important, just curious
yeah! there should be an edit button around your post (if you're using mobile I don't know where that is)
This is really really nice! I really love how the short, disjointed style of the lines reflects the same short, disjointed thoughts while in panic! I can definitely relate to this so much haha.
I think the only critique I have, which is really just a nitpick, is that it kind of feels like the poem circles back into itself at the end without adding some depth. I actually really like the way that the ending references the beginning like that, but, to me, the continuousness of the flight seems like it was already implied when you said "escape on ravens wings," since escape makes me think of trying to get as far far away from the thing that you're escaping as you possibly can. So, I just feel like the last line could maybe be used to add some more emotional depth and characterization to the meek and weak people's escape/flight and the escape/flight's emotional qualities and overall meaning.
But dude, that's honestly the only thing that I would say could be played with a bit! I definitely really think this is an awesome poem that's got an awesome emotional concept to it and I would love to see it again if you decide to change anything! Hopefully the small thing that I said helps you out some! Thanks for sharing this dude! I really love it!
Thank you for the feedback. As the first of many poems regarding same topic and the battle between fight or flight, would you still recommend changes?
Hmmm.... Probably, yeah, only because a single poem should still be a little self-contained. I don't think you'd want it to rely too much on the other poems that you write, since each one is independent of the others, unless you're doing like a collection of poems on this. But even then, I think it might be worth your while to just give a concluding significance in that last line. Kind of like how the end of every novel not only wraps up the story to a close, but it also gives a peek of the future. So I'd say to give a bit of a peek at some further emotional meaning for the poem right in that last line.
I've been using Reddit less than 24 hours...i just commented on my post to reply to this...still catching on.
That's no problem haha!
For the most part, I like that briskness of each line (though maybe you could split Line 2 into two separate lines?) as it feels like someone trying to talk while running. They have to pause and catch their breath each time.
My biggest critique is the two opening lines are directly contradictory.
Paralyzed by fear.
The meek escape on ravens wings.
If they are paralyzed, how do they escape? Maybe use a different descriptor. Here's a few examples.
Engulfed by fear.
Consumed by fear.
Or even bring fear to life, giving the meek a reason to flee from it.
Encroaching fear
Consuming fear
Overall I really liked the poem and I really appreciate you sharing with us!
It is a collection, still in process...very cathartic. I particularly like the line "in continuous flight" as that is the destiny if you never face the fear...but I want to perhaps look to see if I can change around. Should I allude to the next poem...which is about...never mind no context, should there be a wink to the next or should a collection have more of a natural flow?
Ahhhhhhh, I see I see. I feel like the word "continuous" doesn't entirely characterize that destiny then. Obviously, flying forever and forever would be fairly torturous and regretful for having chosen to escape, but "continuous" doesn't have those same vibes, at least to me. Maybe "eternal" or "unending" or something similar would fit better. But it's all up to you. I think that this poem's last line is good to stay within the realm of its own self, so you don't have to worry about alluding to the next one in the collection or anything. It's just that, for me at least, "in continuous flight" doesn't give off the feeling that you described in this reply: "that is the destiny if you never face the fear." That strikes a lot more fear than "in continuous flight" haha. So try to write the line in order to give off that feeling that you described.