hey this is actually pretty interesting as a senryu (and a pretty damn bitter one) the only issue I really have with it is fluff for the sake of hitting a syllable count that's not really necessary.
considering striking the words:
the maxim of youth a cold bitch has left me rent: that love is fleeting
it keeps the same meaning (as i understand it) but shorter and more precise. Although, it cadence does changes slightly with the "has" taken out.
Thanks for your feedback, and I'm glad you find it interesting. I'll try playing with the syntax some, as I want to keep it to 5-7-5, to choose more precise wording.
One thing I was trying to convey, under the bitterness, is a hope for change. But I'm not sure how well that landed?
hey this is actually pretty interesting as a senryu (and a pretty damn bitter one) the only issue I really have with it is fluff for the sake of hitting a syllable count that's not really necessary.
considering striking the words:
it keeps the same meaning (as i understand it) but shorter and more precise. Although, it cadence does changes slightly with the "has" taken out.
Thanks for your feedback, and I'm glad you find it interesting. I'll try playing with the syntax some, as I want to keep it to 5-7-5, to choose more precise wording.
One thing I was trying to convey, under the bitterness, is a hope for change. But I'm not sure how well that landed?
why do you want to keep the syllables? just curious