Freezing Moon

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The blizzard bursted black, shattered day to duskness.
The bloody moon abrupt, dazing through the deluge
 
of snow, arose all rose colored, calling cruelly,
“The sleet will bring the sleep crashing down on careless
 
awakened. Woe be washed, racked and riled to battle.”
The warring weather wore reddish hues of radish
 
eclipse, the clotted snow broke the bearings brave men
held close. The close of night bore the broken frozen.
 
 
12

Posted Apr 27, 2017, 4:37 AM UTC

425
Mentioned_Videos•

Videos in this thread: Watch Playlist ▶

VIDEOCOMMENT
Mayhem - Freezing Moon (HQ)+1 - Feezing moon
Murmuüre - Murmuüre [2010][Full Album]+1 - I didn't, but I'll check 'em out as soon as I can. I'm still convinced this is the perfect album. Otherwise, metal makes me mad a lot, but its gems are p undeniable.
(1) Serious Beak - Han (2) JAMBINAI 잠비나이 - TIME OF EXTINCTION 소멸의 시간+1 - I've been dying to share these two bands (not metal, but still heavy): Serious Beak Jambinai
King Crimson - Red (OFFICIAL)+1 - So I take it you also masturbate to King Crimson?
The Mars Volta - Cassandra Gemini I+1 - probably sacrilege, but I'm more of a Volta fan.
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3
MirrorHeart123•

Your poem has great imagery, and I like that it displays your skill with alliteration.

2
GummyfailOP•

thanks, i'm working on my allitering

2
MirrorHeart123•

Im working on my Assonance, check my poem out give me feedback if you want

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/67gfzy/sharethread_april_25_2017/dgrkk5l/

1
hereforthegainz•

Wow, this is very good! Very thoughtfully constructed. I enjoy this poem very much! Your use of caesura draws the reader along at a halting jerky pace, which emphasizes the bitter tone.

2
GummyfailOP•

I know this is a bit to ask, but do you mind showing me how you scan it? It would be a huge boon for me to see how you read the rhythms.

1
hereforthegainz•

I'm not sure how to do that not speaking haha =/

edit: rather im unsure how to do so non-verbally. Would you happen to have an example?

1
GummyfailOP•
  • = unstressed ' = stressed / = foot ending C = caesura

I broke the car. I. Broke. the car.

would scan like this

 - '/ - '/ -C'/ - '

does that make sense?

1
hereforthegainz•

' / ' / ' / / ' / ' / '

The blizzard bursted black, shattered day to duskness.

' / ' / ' / / ' / ' / ' C

The bloody moon abrupt, dazing through the deluge

' / C ' / ' / / ' / ' / '

of snow, arose all rose colored, calling cruelly,

' / ' / ' / / ' / ' / ' C

“The sleet will bring the sleep crashing down on careless

/ ' ' / ' / / ' ' / ' / '

awakened. Woe be washed, racked and riled to battle.”

' / ' / ' / / ' / ' / ' C

The warring weather wore reddish hues of radish

' / ' / ' / / ' / ' / ' C

eclipse, the clotted snow broke the bearings brave men

/ / ' / ' / / ' / ' / '

held close. The close of night bore the broken frozen.

Not sure how to format it better but there you go!

1
Hamos_Dude•
1
GummyfailOP•

yup, that's what it was named after

1
Tsavich•

uh, do you like Deathspell Omega, too?

1
GummyfailOP•

I like Paracletus, but Fas feels a bit to space-y for me and [long latin quote from peter] was obviously them finding a sound (to me)

Not really interested in their early stuff (i'm not huge on str8 black metal)

1
Tsavich•

Paracletus is really great-- but I'm a 'Si monvmentvm reqvires, circvmspice' fan. Metal itself isn't my favorite genre but I come back to it often.

 

I'm sure you know Shining but here you go: [Låt Oss Ta Allt Från Varandra] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hH6R_7xfj0w)

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
13fullmoon•

I must admit for me the alliteration works against me. I find it hard to get into the poem as every words kinds of get stuck on the previous one... like an excessive on pronunciation. The fact that I am not a native English speaker is probably not helping.
So the words prevent me from seeing it, feeling it. Instead of going to my heart, it goes to my brain, and I picture myself reading it aloud, trying to exercise the words for what they are (words) and not feelings.
This is not a very constructive comment... I'm sorry.

1
GummyfailOP•

This is not a very constructive comment... I'm sorry.

don't apologize! you gave a lot to chew on! You were very heplful!

1
ahanes18•

Great imagery and colorful adjectives. Good stuff!

1
GummyfailOP•

thanks!

1
MandaPandaZ•

Great word usage. I especially loved the alliteration. It helped paint a picture.

1