Toy Soldiers
If there is a beauty greater than a child's innocence and wonder, do not taint my eyes
To create such purity is an honor, and with your entire being you vow,
protection
They join your ranks, with pleasure, with unconditional trust
Unaware of the traitor in their midst
The commander defends her troops, ever vigilant
the dangers are many, the consequences too high
Death lurks around every corner
Raise the defenses, consequences be damned (and they will be)
The virus most feared, forms in the mind
infecting my charges, molding their thoughts
I did not know my vow to protect from enemies, invisible or present included myself
Accepting no danger, nurtures only fear
Providing offense, has left them defenseless
The truth is impossible
I am the enemy, a criminal
recidivistic for years
Tactics must change, there is no famine, drought or disease
Too old for bedtime stories now babies
Here is the truth; mommy is the monster under your bed
Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/67ayeg/w_i_p/dgp2b8v/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/684pdw/first_submission_gemini_new_moon/dgw5nfy/
Posted Apr 29, 2017, 2:06 AM UTC
I feel like you missed out on a couple word-choice related opportunities to create a more flowing text. The line
seems to somewhat rehabilitate itself with repeated reading, but it still feels a bit clunky to me. A word more like "risk" would strike me as more fitting than "consequences" given the context. My first impression is that some revision with the above concern in mind would do the poem good.