Source
r/OCPoetry•
Nickfolian

Dreams of a Child

Feedback Received!
Dreams of a Child  

I am all one color,  
so I have come to change into another.  
Being one color is boring and bland,  
staying the same from your toes to your hand!  
How great it would be to be both violet and purple,  
or maybe something like my great aunt Urple!  
but alas here I am all one color,  
because I don't quite know how to be another.  

-Nickfolian Tiapass

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/689ddw/on_the_edge_of_saturn/?st=j23rxf00&sh=e61beb6f

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/68932r/your_day/?st=j23rynlb&sh=fd096e17

This is not my first poem, but it is the first poem I ever posted. I know it's short compared to most on here, but when I wright long poems they go haywire.

Hope you enjoyed.
-Nickfolian Tiapass

Posted Apr 29, 2017, 9:39 PM UTC

13
_nicole__h_•

I love the structure of your poem, maybe the aunt Urple part is not necessary, I think this rhyme may be forced. Otherwise, I love the message of your poem. Also be careful with your use of exclamation marks because they may make the poem sound different in the reader's head than you anticipated.

2
NickfolianOP•

Thank you so much for the response, I was going for a Dr. Seuss look and I see what you saw with the exclamation points and will work on it. Your advice is considered and will be remembered.

-Nickfolian Tiapass

1
gwrgwir•

I get that you're going for a Seuss-style rhyme with the piece, but 'Urple' forces the rhyme a bit. Meter could be more consistent, but the biggest issue is that there's not really much in the way of motivation in the piece - why is the narrator one color, and which is it? Is the one color a solid throughout, or different shades? Violet and purple are pretty similar, so that makes less sense to change to both than something like yellow and purple.

It's not a bad idea for a piece, especially a kid's poem - but it does need some expansion and cleanup to work well.

1
NickfolianOP•

Your advice is amazing and I thank thee greatly. I will use your advice when crafting poetry in the future. As for the Narrater and his color it is solid all the way through. But it is not literally color but rather a metaphor for another trait/talent "one color" refers to the fact that he has one trait which he thinks is of value. He is seeking more traits/talents to become more impressive. He is however naive in traits/talents and in the poem says two of the "same" colors. However for the rhyme and the meter I admit I didn't work all that hard.

-Nickfolian Tiapass

1