Shadow

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My dearest, turn yourself away from the shade,
In darkness your body burns and congeals,
And in an instant my sweetest will fade,
And my sorrow will begin to reveal.

The light will shoot out in a holy beam,
To bring you back to my now lonely side,
In contentment, my eyes so dully gleam,
You have returned, my most gentle bride.

I miss you so dearly from dusk ‘til dawn,
But you always return in the early morn,
To greet me with a smile as I wake and yawn.
You tell me in whisper, “Do not be torn,
For wistfully I leave without grace nor glee,
But always at sunrise, you will find me.”

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Posted May 1, 2017, 4:30 AM UTC · edited

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omphaloskepsis29•9 yr. ago

Most of my suggestions are in regards to the mechanics of this poem.

I don't know if you're intending to ask questions throughout.

I miss you so dearly from dusk ‘til dawn,
But do you always return in the morn,
To greet me with a smile as I wake and yawn.

I'm confused about whether this is actually meant to be a question, if so, include the question mark. This is also true for the first stanza.

For yes I leave without grace nor with glee,
But always at sunrise, you will find me.”

This sounds a bit clunky to me, maybe "For yes I leave with neither grace nor glee" I still don't like the phrase 'For yes' but I do think 'neither grace nor glee' is a stronger choice.

Illuminating eyes so dully gleam,
To wash me away with the raging tide.

This is just confusing to me. Maybe I'm tired and am missing something. Feel free to respond and clarify it.

I like your commitment to a consistent structure. I would be interested in reading another draft of this.

KSharpyOP•9 yr. ago

Thanks so much! I did some edits based on your critique. I completely omitted those two confusing lines, as I was unhappy with them even before posting. Hopefully it sounds a bit better now?