[700] Getting Ideas

OVERALL

I like the grittiness of the story. I feel like things are going to happen from the get go and that's always a good thing. On the flip side, I feel like the dialogue could use a good trimming and while I feel like something is going to happen, I really don't have any idea what. I was kinda picturing the wild west, but trying not to since I read your description and there was nothing about that.

DIALOGUE

Like I said, I think this could benefit from a really good trim. It's okay to have the guy holding the gun pontificate a bit, and I actually liked the first couple paragraphs for the most part, but all the characters pretty much sound the same so it loses it's power. Also, they're all too complete-sentencey for me. That may just be a personal thing, but I feel like characters, especially those in tense situation or who know each other well, have shortcuts that lead to more clipped dialogue. For instance:

“Don’t do anything crazy Chase, I can explain—”

I don't think there's any reason at all to have the part before the comma. The guy has a gun at his back, he's going to get to the point. And it's not like we'll be confused and think he wants to explain how to change the oil in Chase's new car or something.

Then the next line:

“I’m sure you can, boy,” He drawled, “I’m sure you can, but unfortunately for you I’m not your fourth grade teacher, and I’m not here because your algebra homework is past due.”

We really don't need the bits about "I'm sure you can." People who know each other don't always respond directly to the words the other person says, so when someone says "I can explain-" maybe a great way to respond is just "I ain't your fourth grade teacher."

I kinda feel like you want the dialogue to be grammatical and logical, but people don't really talk that way, especially when they know each other. A lot of what you have is good, but it's cluttered. If you went in and cut 20-30% of the syllables in your dialogue I think it would read better.

CHARACTERS

I got some distinction between Chase and the other two, but Dan and the MC don't seem different to me at all. I did get that Chase was a guy who loves to hear himself talk, so that's good. My main problem is that this situation seems super casual to everyone, the guy about to be killed, the guy about to do the killing, the guy who saves him. I get it that the reader doesn't think for a minute that the killing will happen, but I still think the stakes are underplayed.

STORY

I don't feel much forward momentum at all. This scene feels like a prologue where nothing of consequence actually happens. Sure, any time you paint a picture of a guy cheating death the reader is going to be on board, but what changes because of this? I felt like nothing. Chase will wake up with a headache and be pissed at the MC, then the actual story will start.

Maybe MC and Dan have some kind of plan but I got no hint of that. There's no, "hurry before he wakes up." or "now that he's out of the way we can...." If this scene isn't pushing the story forward at all then I would try to find a way to fix that.

SUGGESTIONS

I like to make suggestions. Feel free to ignore or use them as you see fit.

-You say this is about art rescuers but we get none of that here. They feel like thugs. Why not have the MC describing his surroundings something like "the sunset stretches out ahead of us like a Picasso (don't use picasso; do some research) and the ground is that burnt umber color that so-and-so got exactly right" You get the idea. If he's so immersed in his world of art then you can get in some cool description and characterization at the same time.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Trim that dialogue and give me some forward momentum and this piece gets a lot better. Show me how you're going to weave the art in and give me some more character distinction and I'd probably be on board.

I did not get the feeling from the scene that they were art rescuers, I felt like I was reading the events leading up to a gangster killing one of his lackeys.That being said, I don't feel that I was sold on any real emotion from either character. It lacked adjectives and because of that I couldn't put myself into the story. It didn't feel like a high tension scenario being worked through by the two characters who each had something to lose, it just felt like someone was poorly describing something. By the end of the page I didn't feel invested in the story and I don't really care what happens to either the protagonist or Chaser. This could probably be rectified by adding some relatable emotions. It was hard to tell if the prot was cocky or nervous, or both, and because of the lack of clarity of the conflict I couldn't sympathize with him. He could have been both of those things as well, it just needs to be clear that it he is.

edit - words are hard

As an opening scene to a story, even a novel, this is great stuff. It could lead off from here and deal with all the fallout of whatever seemingly-incredibly-intense stuff the narrator did and how he (she?) is going to have to deal with this (though without any flashbacks, because this kind of in medias res beginning deserves to be the only beginning we get).

It's always hard to give a lot of comments when things are more positive, but I really liked the dialogue. Snappy and realistic and pretty quotable. The back-and-forths between Chaser and the protagonist were very good, and actually a few more lines probably wouldn't hurt, maybe even heighten the tension. The way Chaser went out was probably too anti-climactic, but a little editing can probably fix that.

Though now that I am reading your description here on Reddit about dueling art anti-thieves and all that, I do think there should probably be more description (AFTER chaser is KO'd) about what exactly the whole point of this all is, because that wasn't clear in the story itself. However, since this is just an incomplete fragment, the beginning of a story, that may not be necessary within the portion here. You can probably go into it afterwards.

One thing that I'm impressed by is the film-like rapid pacing in the first half of the story. It's written with good prose so it doesn't feel like a screenplay, but you can feel the tension and it doesn't let off, not even for a paragraph of exposition or analysis or any of that. My prior suggestion of expanding the back-and-forths a little could be dangerous if you do it too much and it kills the tension, but I trust you'll probably know the balance for that.

My biggest reservations for the story: Number one is probably the setting, and the lack of it. We find out that the narrator is at the edge of a cliff, but that's all we get. What's at the bottom of the cliff? They lay Chaser on some pine needles, but how far away from the cliff? It's around a "bend" but the rest of the description needs more to make that part more clear. What time of day? What's the weather? A lot of these aren't just good for the reader, but they can help give more character details through their interactions with the setting, so I definitely encourage that.

The other reservation is the clunky working-in of the title at the end. It feels too forced, and not really like Dan would say that after talking about the narrator spoiling Chaser's plans. When he asks when he started "getting ideas", it isn't clear whether he means about trying to capture/almost kill the narrator, or ideas about if the narrator would spoil him, or what. It could also be a lead-in to the rest of the story, of course, but as it is now it wasn't the strongest final line, at least as it could have been.

I really hope you do something with this story, though, because the opening was very strong.

Hello there! I know you posted this a while ago but I stumbled upon yours! Now, first off, good for you getting back into writing! Now, for this story. It's nice to see a story opening up with dialogue as it is somewhat rare (in my opinion). With the first sentence, there is a lot of hostility, yet the whole wedding receptionist thing throws me off. I agree with the others, change that to wedding planners instead. However, it does feel like they are thugs rather than an art thief. Also, love this line: "You can’t let people like him smell blood, no matter if they see you standing in a puddle of the stuff." Really expresses the character's values. However, like you had said, I believe that adding details of the scenery or more on the characters would improve this piece tremendously. Cause all I'm really reading is more talking and more talking and a couple of threats, but tell me about what the air feels like, what the sky looks like, what shoes they are wearing, etc. also, this one line: "salt- and- pepper beard" ... it's not agreeing with me. I would pick a different image. Also, second to last sentence: love the imagery, but that is a run-on for sure. Overall, I see a lot of potential, but my biggest stresses are make the dialogue more natural, introduce the topic of art stealing more, and add on with detail and looks.

Overall

This was actually a challenge for me to critique because I feel that I don't have enough information from what you provided. That's not a criticism of you, it's an explanation for the areas I couldn't accurately critique.

I am not sure if this is dystopian, old west, mountain town, etc. I have absolutely no clues from what you have provided other than the cliff and old Winchester rifle. The rifle could be ancient at the time of this story so it's not 100% clear.

If it's western, could you just throw a cowboy hat or boots on one of the characters? I'm joking, but I would like to read more to satisfy my curiosity!

Character

One of the things you've done really well is establish the appearance and demeanor of your characters. For example:

Dan wasn’t really all that ugly, but the combination of his bulk and his sloping brow made him look like he should be in a cave somewhere, painting mammoths; maybe pointing excitedly at fire and exclaiming, on his off days.

His grin only sank deeper into his salt- and- pepper beard as he watched me stare.

These two depictions helped me to visualize Dan and Chaser.

Your protagonist is a different story. I haven't learned much about him, apart from his wit and what Chase says to him. I'd like to see a bit more from him about how he feels being held at gunpoint near a cliff(?).

Plot

Art rescuers? I don't get that impression at all. This feels more like cattle-thieves.

I realize that this is just the beginning and I can't discern much about the plot. As a reader, I am assuming that the kid being held by Chaser was given some sort of an assignment that went wrong, very wrong. He fortunately has friends (Dan) who help him escape. My prediction is that he will become the boss of whatever organization Chaser is leading eventually, or that he will leave to escape a bunch of angry henchmen.

Again, I realize this is just the beginning. I like to have some idea of where the action is headed within the first few paragraphs--even if that idea is inaccurate and meant to throw off readers.

Dialogue

I see that there are already some thoughts on your dialogue and I tend to agree that there is too much of it right at the outset. If you could reduce it by a third, it would make the story easier for me to follow. I feel like the overabundance of dialogue takes up the places where you could begin to introduce some of the setting.

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