Source
r/OCPoetry•
georgia36

A Vending Machine

Feedback Received!

In university, we shameless students sit in rows like  

cans of soda behind the glassy face of a vending machine,  

with our glinting surfaces, our labels turned outward,  

hanging at the edge, begging to be released and drop  

with that proud thud, at the base of the structure,  

announcing our entrance into  

the moving world with all its  

free pieces of air buzzing about and  

zippy quick people claiming them as their own and  

the daunting spires of skyscrapers  

daring us to climb them.  

Pick me! we cry out to out to the people passing  

by wordless on their coffee breaks and afternoon meetings,  

the drum of shiny pumps and heavy loafers barreling  

through the hallway.  

I have something to offer the world that the other does not!  

I am sweet and wonderful and bubbling inside with something to bring into this world!  

Another row of cans sit behind us, waiting for our  

tumbling descent to the opening at the bottom.  

Look at me! I bubbling inside with something to bring into this world!  

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7e6727/missing_christmas/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7ef0et/silence/

Posted Nov 21, 2017, 4:19 PM UTC · edited

14
incarnadyn•

I love the story behind this! It totally resonates with me right now as a uni student. I do feel like just another can in the machine....

My only suggestion so far is to scrap the last line - it feels redundant for no reason. I really like the ending just “tumbling descent to the opening at the bottom”.

1
LoneUnicornZ•

Love the imagery in this piece, thinking of students as cans in a vending machine is very original so kudos to that. With that said I think this piece could be stronger if you cut out the mention of students in he beginning and refer to all people as being cans. You won't lose the relatability from students but actually expand your reach.

Other thoughts: Please don't capitalize the first word of each line, just a pet peeve of mine as I think it rarely works well. I also feel like there is a lot of redundancy in this piece, ask yourself after each line: Have I communicated this idea already? Also I'm not sure about the italicized inner monologue. There's a lot of telling going on in that regard. "I have something to the world that the other does not," what exactly is it that you have? Show us what that looks likes. Overall a strong piece that can be pretty amazing with some editing.

1
georgia36OP•

That's not what I'm trying to convey - the piece is specifically about being a university student trying to enter the world.

1
georgia36OP•

Also regarding the inner monologue - I am not trying to convey that I, personally, have anything to offer the world. The italicized part is meant to express the sort of sentiment that all university students do their best to convince themselves. And the tragedy there is that it isn't necessarily true. And about the capitalization - that was sort of the result of laziness on my part, so thank you for pointing it out. I went back and changed it.

1
eolon_•

I am reminded of Malvina Reynolds, and the houses made of ticky-tacky; especially the last three lines. Just enough cynicism in this poem to make it work. I wonder whether the same feel could be achieved with fewer lines, if you could condense the thought into a more succinct expression. Thank you, and Best Regards, e

1