Far Away
I never thought I would like poetry. But because of a certain output in a school project, I started to like it. This is one of my first poems. Hope you like it.
Why? Why does it have to be like this?
I always feel that I'm amiss
I can't seem to find the right word
To express these feelings unheard
Something that I wanted to tell you
But something that I already knew
That I won't be able to do
Because I can't even approach you
I afraid that you might just reject
These feelings that I've kept
For a very long time
Going near you feels like a crime
I am greatly intimidated by you
The one that I personally view
As the Venus of the new age
And the one who caged
This weak heart of mine
And runs a chill down my spine
I feel an invisible barrier
The hinders me to take a step further
A strong force that pushes me away
Leaving me devastated each day
It feels like we are worlds apart
Though you aren't really that far
I wish that I am brave enough
To tell everything even if it gets rough
The line that separates me from you
Left me not knowing what to do
for I don't know how to engage to a conversation
Leaving only excuses out of desperation
I wanted to fill the gap between me and you
But I don't really have any clue
On what decision should I make
I really don't want to create a mistake
Each time you pass by
I could only dream so high
That I can make my stand
And tell you so that you would understand
How far I would go
Just to prove my self to you
I'll try to do things the right way
So that you won't stay away
I don't want to disappoint you
Because of that things I can't undo
There are times that I just wanted to give up
Thinking if I should just stop
But my heart decided to refuse
Leaving my mind really confused
Why do I still do these things for you
Even if it doesn't affect you
Maybe, I am just being stupid
A big fool indeed
All I needed is to stop and move on
So that my pain will be gone
I don't know how to begin
But I just want to tell you one last thing
I would like to say that I love you
And I hope that you'll feel the same too
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7obilt/escape/ds87b2u/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7o7l45/always/ds84xv4/
Posted Jan 5, 2018, 3:09 PM UTC
24
Hey, I like poetry and am in school too! Yay.
The poem has a playful style to it, because of it's 100% focus on exact rhyme, and it does that well; da da da da da da dee, da da da da da da dee, so well done on that.
What I think would give the poem a lot more UMPH, a lot more power, is to, because the poem is really focused on these thoughts of a strong crush etc is to give more lines somewhere in the poem about the beauty of your crush, eg.
I look at you, why do I care? Maybe it's your Unique hair, Spreading your person, through my damn air.
That's also what I would suggest, more 'damn' words. Because at the start of the poem you say "Why? Why does it have to be like this?"
This is great, but not expressed further too much, the idea of this persons beauty being so great it annoys you, frustrates you, for example you could say:
Christ let me pop this bubble, inside my head, because when I think of you, I'd rather be dead, when the odd thought comes, the thought i dread, that maybe me and this crazy lady, we'll never wed, or even talk on a weekend, fuck when I think of you, why can't I just think, that of coarse you do, you love me too.
I don't know, something along the lines. But that's my feedback :).
Hey, thanks for the feedback. I'm glad that you liked it. I will take your suggestions about using strong words. Although I might have to use other type of words because I don't want to use swears and curses to my poems. I'll try to use simple, yet strong words on my future poems. Thank you for your suggestions..