Today is highly anticipated,
says the media,
one big event,
lots of people coming,
friends and family,
winners and losers,
yeah it's pretty big,
she's going,
there's lots of things to do,
she says,
but I'm feeling a little off.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7o7ge1/lunchroom/ds7iz4y?utm_source=reddit-android
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7obr57/far_away/ds8aiy8?utm_source=reddit-android
Posted Jan 5, 2018, 4:34 PM UTC
Is this from Trump's voice? I feel like I need the keys to this kingdom, and my pocket is full of junk. I totally like the idea of today being anticipated, as if it isn't happening yet. I wonder if just some more contextualization would do well, bring it out of the vagueness a little bit. Keep at it!
I liked this poem, really made me think of some one desperately trying to feel excited about something or just feel anything, but just cant seem to force them self. except the line "She's going," and "She says," those two lines seem to convey emotion to me a feeling like your really trying for her but even despite that feeling you just cant seem to feel more.
I like this poem but wish it would continue...it had a great, promising beginning and I feel there's more to be explored, personally...very good, though.
I like thw simplicity of the poem. I feel like the persona really want to join a certain hype train. However, he/she is not able to do so because of his/her inability to feel the excitement and also because of his/her work. It's like I can see myself in this poem because I'm the type of person who really doesn't want to join a certain event, but still get excited regardless.
The poem captures the anticipation of an event, but then it does not give much more to go off of. I think there is an opportunity for this poem to come across clearer. It can remain ambiguous at the same time. It just seems that the question that is being created did not get resolved.
The poem captures the anticipation of an event, but then it does not give much more to go off of. I think there is an opportunity for this poem to come across clearer. It can remain ambiguous at the same time. It just seems that the question that is being created did not get resolved.
There's something I like about this. Phrases like
and
give it a very casual or detached vibe, which works, especially building up to the subtle turn at the end, when its vaguely revealed why the narrator sounds so detached.
My one note is that I feel like you could use one really specific image. Like, think of someone talking in a similar voice about going out to a bar:
but then with one (more specific) image:
This is just an example to illustrate my point, so I hope that gives you an idea what I'm getting at. I feel that the vagueness in general works for your poem, but I think giving us at least one solid image would help give this piece more of a bite, and really punch up the end.
Overall though it is a cool succinct piece that uses voice/tone really well to its advantage. Thanks for sharing! Hope this helps!
I'm thinking it's not finished as well, thanks for the detailed advice. All I need is a well placed 'again' or finally or a more visual line, to make the poem a little better.