Red Emotions
She was always a fan of the Red Emotions
Feelings that wrapped her in their arms Feelings that closed her eyes to the world Feeling that whispered a distorted view of the world in her ears
A View compelling enough to accept as her own A View tinted with emotions like anger or love
Emotions that can change the world, Emotions that Care only for themselves, Emotions that can leave her speechless when they leave
And she opens her eyes to a world that caters to emotions now fled
Edit 1 Formatting and typos oops* Edit 2 seems i clipped off the ending
Posted Jan 5, 2018, 7:47 PM UTC · edited
14
I think you'll want to remove the second 'that'
Who is 'she' in relation to 'you' at the end? How are these people connected? Are they connected? Is there a need for 2 POV's in this poem?
Wisped or whispered?
why mention 'world' twice? The first mention ensconces the 'world' as a visual item (i.e. closed eyes), the second mention then shifts it over to an aural sensation (i.e. words in your ear). There isn't enough overall repetition as a style for this to work, but there isn't any consistency in the world building either. I advise use 'world' once, for either sense, but the secondary sense should have a different concrete placement.
Again, who's eyes? Do they belong to the 'she' mentioned at the beginning? Why are the eyes closed? What do closed eyes have to do with red emotions? This ending is a bit non sequitur to the preceding text. There wasn't necessarily any world building that would allude to perhaps a day dream/musing on red emotions. Effectively, I don't think there is any reason for anyone to open their eyes, there was no imagery to ground the navel gazing, there was no setting for the narrator, its just an abrupt (baseless?) command from someone to someone.
I don't think the last line is necessary for this piece.
This could use a bit of polishing; there are some structural issues as well as 1 or 2 typos. You have a base; really think about what you want to convey, and how you want to convey it. You don't have to start over, but I'd advise you to revisit this piece with technique and structure in mind.
thanks for the feed back i will go back a take another look at it, i did however notice a few mistakes on account of copping the wrong version of the poem, i replaced it with the correct formatting and tense that where from the latest one.