Source
r/OCPoetry•
senbapiro

Light

Feedback Received!

Light

I closed my eyes in the middle of the track

Always been a risk taker

Had it not been for the road i have taken

I would not be in the middle of the tracks

All voices outside gone and suppressed by the beat of my heart

Or was it the train on the tracks

In the middle I stood

Wishful of all things arriving , but treadful of all things transpiring

In the middle I stood

The gravel crunches when my legs shake

Cold air numbs my face

I move my cheeks to circulate blood , to feel

In the middle I stood

My eyes squint as a bright light arrives

And in the middle I had stayed

The ground below me so weak

Or was it my knees

But the light passed

And I was still standing in the middle

Slowly my eyes open

my legs cease to shake

the gravel settles below my feet

When I look around the tracks are missing

But found when I turn around

For I had not stood in the middle

From a personal experience a Year ago after a bad heartbreak... much Love - M.B

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7ol50n/blown_away/dsacwmv/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7oiiw0/adulteration/dsad5bu/

Posted Jan 6, 2018, 8:34 PM UTC · edited

67
RobloxRobot•

I enjoy this.

I like the idea of the train acting as an experience, or obstacle, that is rushing towards you. It blinds you (being emotional) with its bright light, and when it arrives, death seems so certain, but it's gone as soon as it arrives, and somehow you survived.

I also really like the use of the word "feel". Sometimes, when I am depressed, I ask myself if I would give up ever feeling happy again, so that I could never feel sad again; to never feel again.

I hope you're doing better my friend. Excellent poetry.

3
senbapiroOP•

Thank you so much man! We all feel like that at certain times. I was very close to acting on it many times but proud to say I found something I love. Not many people can say that! Love this community

1
drysnx•

I agree with the first guy who gave feedback! I sometimes think that the notion of “feeling” has always been a recurring and cliche way of writing poetry but at the same time it’s massively underrated to feel empathy as well. Kudos to you!

2
sippinladyjuice•

You have a good narrative and I can tell you are a good storyteller but you might benefit from stretching your imagery a bit, a bit of purple prose can't hurt if the narrative is strong enough.

2
DopamineLaced•

This makes me sad a little, as I can tell where the emotion was going with it. Good story telling. How you end the poem gives me relief. A moving poem.

2
DBJohnson133213•

That hit me hard. (No pun intended) There was impact behind the words and it reaches deep in to the heart. This is really good.

2
LeazJ•

First of all, I hope you are now okay. I would like to commend your amazing use of imagery. I was able to picture what is happening in the poem easily. As for the message, I felt the deep sadness caused by the challenges in life and the strength to get over it. I really like your poem.

2