i tried to stay dry
but now im drownin in rum
caught by all the thoughts
i thought i could outrun
got sunk inside her words
i tried to numb the hurt
tried to run from thoughts of her
disguised lies like this my cure
swear to god i tried to stay dry
its just i ran out of lifes to burn
i guess i lost my way in the storm
at least i tried
Posted Jan 19, 2018, 10:22 AM UTC
i somewhat agree with the other comment, you would benefit from keeping the same rhythm all the way through. as i read it i first notice the change in line seven.
I really enjoyed reading it. one line i don't quite get is "ts just i ran out of lifes to burn" could be a saying i'm not familiar with
Maybe replace the last line with something that provides a purpose for being out in the "storm" (whether literal or figurative) in the first place? Also the lack of capitalization anywhere in this piece is a nice touch.
Like the message, not so crazy about the delivery. Keep going, you have things to say!
fair, thanks
drownin in rum
At first I though 'drownin' was intentional, like you were affecting a drunken slur. However it seems at be a typo? In any case, I think imbuing this piece with more typos would really add to the "flavor" of this poem. It already has a bit of an unstable, jaunty rhythm, so if you peppered some "mistakes" throughout the piece it could add to this image of a person drunkenly lamenting their drunkenness.
I don't know, just an idea.
I agree- establishing the poetic voice of the narrator would push the poem further in its identity.
I'd cut the last line as it undermines the poem. You've already stated that you 'try', 'tried', &c. throughout the poem. This has already been established to the reader. Using words like 'numb' is beyond cliche. Don't let language like this take your voice away from you.
Nit-picky: saying "lifes to burn" when using rain/storm metaphors seems aesthetically contradictory and bothered me.
appreciate your input, i see where your coming from, not exactly where i would probably take it, but good to hear nonetheless. i think the contradictions and cliches are an important part of the drunk/hopeless tone. i try to write as i speak, but from a writers perspective your input makes a lot of sense
it was intentional and ty for the great idea, i just didnt like the "ing" sound and "in" just sounded better, i typed it as i would of said it, thanks for the input
As some others observed, adding more tpyos could well do the trick here as it strengthen's the idea of drunkness. Perhaps even the alliteration of words using 'l' would have peaked the idea a bit more as well.
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I like the contrast between the jaunty metre and rhyming of the first four lines and the pathos of what it says. So I think it would benefit from keeping that rhythm throughout and trying to sustain the rhyming, or at least until you choose to puncture it for effect. The rhythm expands and shrinks even in those first four lines - that might be what you want to do, or maybe you want it in the pocket, in which case you want to lose a syllable from line 3, so you could make it caught by the thoughts. Read it aloud to get a feeling for the music of it.
great feedback appreciate it, honestly i only looked it over a few times, figured the rawness might come thru more that way, but after reading your feedback im sure there was some missed potential in that approach. I was thinking of turning this into 2 or 3 more parts to create an arch, will definitely utilize your input if i do