Thanks for the feedback. First attempt in years to be honest. 

I'll admit it was intended to be taken as broken and jarring to reflect the final thoughts of someone before death. But that doesn't excuse the lack of structure or guidlines, I'll work on it.

It does actually tell a story, mine. I guess I made it too personal. I'm just not sure how to express it correctly. This was my attempt at where I had reached with it so far and looking for advice. 

Enjoyed reading this. I'm a big fan of surrealist art and poetry. Your lines have some very strange and evocative imagery. Keep using that; you have a powerful imagination. The only problem I had was the images themselves,  while fascinating, seemed completely unrelated to one another (maybe on reading it again,  I'll find they are related). There also doesn't seem to be consistent rhythm, but it feels like you're trying to find one in certain parts of the piece. However, this was an enjoyable read, and you're very generous for sharing. Keep writing. 


Thanks, that was the goal I had in mind for the ending. 

Interesting feedback, during the time spent writting and going over it I actively tried to avoid using the same words with the exception of passing in that line. I was trying to avoid it turning into a sing songy rhyming thing which is all I could see when I wrote the first draft. I'm not sure how to use an anchor correctly so I'll need to look into it more and see what i come up with. 

It wasn't a style choice, it's the line I had the most trouble with trying to create the image I was aiming for. I've not seen those words used interchangeably before but you're right the line is off. 


Thanks for the feedback. 

Excellent work. I think the disjointedness of the statements in the beginning perfectly matches the haze of memory and emotion one might feel before coming to a "final" conclusion. The finality of which is also matched by the brief, clipped feeling of the lines at the end. Really gave them weight.

My only suggestion would be to provide an anchor word or feeling to form a small connection between the thoughts in the beginning. For example in line 2 you talk about passing emotions and in line 3 you describe emotions. It preserves the broken feel but gives the reader a sense that it's building to something.

As far as errors are concerned cutout and background are normally one word (unless that was a style choice I misinterpreted) but honestly everything else is excellent. I really enjoyed this.

Thanks for the input. I was cautious of the pauses as well and had a couple of lines into small sentences but it felt wrong. I guess I need to find the balance. 

As stated in another reply I made it too personal, while I agree generally thoughts do flow like that, in my subjective experience with a failed suicide attempt this poem was based on I found my thoughts singular and clear at the time. The closest I could describe it would be like auto pilot. Pre planning and prep work took out a lot of thinking at the time. 

Thanks for the feedback. 

Love the imagery and especially the last lines of the poem, the only thing I would change is the amount of pauses, reading it aloud I found it was very disrupting to the poems flow, I see you are trying to simulate the thoughts of someone before they die, however I find that the pauses actually go against this intention. I find thoughts often are more fluid than this poem suggests, they naturally lead on from each other, often times without breaks. I especially feel that on your deathbed the thoughts would flow even more vigorously without pause as a desperate scramble to justify your life or identify things that were wrong with it. But that’s just my thoughts, good luck and good writing.

I loved how it conveys the lack of a feelings that grows over time, and the wish to love again and be important to someone. The words you used are great especially "passing time unaccompanied by passing emotions " 

I really love this one. Images in your poem are vivid and strongly emotional. I think I see the connection between the lines, and it seem very personal.  It is difficult to find right words for this, but the only thing that bothers me a bit is the last part (last 4 lines), as it suddenly makes the poem "darker", and kind of breaks down the tension and emotion which has been established before.

Alone.

Continually plagued dreams disturbed by lack of presence.

Passing time unaccompanied by passing emotions.

Explore, live, laugh and love again.

Drowning in lies embraced only by pain.

I am the shadow of a nameless man.

Trapped in a silent grey wasteland.

The cardboard cut out in the back ground of your world.

Forgotten.

On the horizon a tree calls to me.

A resting place I finally see.

A fibrous kiss upon my neck.

For the price of release.

I cash my last cheque.

1 - https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7ssmlq/ants/

2 - https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7su4x7/one_street_of_yesterday/

Love's Shadow.